Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Don't need a reply.

(6 Posts)
mrslurkalot Wed 03-Sep-08 00:47:24

OK, can I start this by saying I love them all.
My family is DH, DS (3.5) and DD 5 months. My relationship with DH has gone astray, we have only had sex a couple of times in the last 2 years (one thankfully resulting in DD!).
I want a 'normal' relationship.
We are both overweight. I think he has worse body issues than me. Although I am sure hedoen't 'fancy' me anymore.
He snores VERY loudly and I am a light sleeper, this has caused major problems especially having a small baby who is also awake in the night (although thankfully not that much now) so now he sleeps downstairs most (nearly all) of the time - by the way he doesn't get up with the kids in the night and I think that's fair as he has to drive the next day often for long distances. I have tried earplugs, nose strap things, special pastels to stick under his tongue, sprays etc. He says he wants to be in our bed and makes me feel guilty, but will not go to the docs and is never proactive at looking for solutions.
DH is unhappy at work and money is very tight.
We made a decision that I would stay at home with the kids, I love being with them but I used to have a career and although I am physically very busy during the day I am not mentally stimulated which I find very difficult. We have no help with childcare, and fees mean that it is not financially viable for me to go back to work part time.
I feel that I give, give ,give all the time and have no time at all for myself.Sometimes I just want to sit in silence.
Our family live miles away and the last time we went out on our own or even had any time alone was over a year ago.
DH has athritis in his knees and is having an op soon to try to replace the cartilidge, he is understandably scared about this and he is in pain.
DH sees the children as my 'job', he has no idea about what DD's routine is etc although I know he loves them both to death and they love him.
DH is often away for a night during the week and has to drive long distances. He wants a rest at the weekend. I understand this, and we do have a lie in each but all the rest of the childcare is down to me and I need a rest too (would even like to go out ON MY OWN). Rather unfairly I also want more family time.
We have just started weaning DD and so there are 7 feeding times a day with bottles and solid foods - last weekend he fed her twice, one bottle, one solid feed which he got bored of after 2 mins and said 'this just aint happening' so I took over.
The house, washing, ironing,
shopping, cooking, bills, other finances, card and present buying, general admin etc are all my jobs. DH goes to work and gets up with the kids on a Sat am, he also helps with bedtime if he is at home but mainly lies on the bed looking at his laptop while DS is in the shower (I am bitter about this as I feel he should make the effort to give him a bath and play with him).
I needed to put it all in black and white, and I don't need any replies but if you do (reply that is) tell me if you think all these pressures are normal. I feel that DH and a I want the same things but are pulling in different directions.
End of long boringness, well done if you read it all.

sdr Wed 03-Sep-08 08:28:13

I feel for you. Seems like you've got so much going on it feels overwhelming. We've had times like that where you feel like yelling at the world to stop so you can think straight. What has worked for us sometimes is to get away as a family for a weekend (self-catering cottages are quite cheap). Means a weekend without chores and a chance to talk and re-prioritise things. Do keep trying - we've been through some very tough times and the family is still together.

smithfield Wed 03-Sep-08 08:33:20

Hmm- I would say some are normal par for the course with having young children.
You do however seem to be shouldering FAR too much of the load.
Of course you need a rest and a break.

You sound incredibly strong but you need to nurture yourself somehow and you need to be able to communicate some of your needs to dh.

If you could write a list of things that you could do to nurture/get time for yourself what would that look like.
For example, take a bath, a class one evening a week, an hour or two to yourself sat am, a family trip once a month?
Could you make a list and show it to dh?

How do both of you interact/communicate? Would he listen if you sat down and told him how you are feeling right now?

mrslurkalot Wed 03-Sep-08 09:54:53

Hi ladies, thanks so much for taking the time to respond. I know that all issues between DH and I come down to communication and when we do actually sit down and talk we do get somewhere which is why I know we want the same things. I suppose I just want him to realise things need doing and I need help without me having to ask (nag) as I just get so frustrated and angry that I don't recognise who I have become.
I think it would be a great idea for us both to sit down and write a list of what would make us happy. I am guilty of thinking that by doing everything I am showing him that I care, but I don't think he feels loved either.
We are going away next week so I am hoping that we will get a chance to talk and just relax a bit. We are going with my mother and father in law who are lovely and great with the kids so we may get a night out on our own.
Overwhelmed is the right word for what I am feeling at the moment, and I just can't stand any noise (not that easy with a toddler and a baby) I think its because I have so much going on in my head I don't feel there is room for any more.
Gosh, it feels so good to write this down - free therapy!!

smithfield Wed 03-Sep-08 10:31:45

Yes- I know the feeling of being overwhelmed. With Lo's it ends up with you reactively taking care of everybody elses needs, and your own go out of the window.

Someone recently presented me with a brilliant anology;

If you were on an aeroplane and getting the safety procedure talk you would be told,'.. in the event of emergency, parents must take the oxygen first...then the child.' Parents first, then the child.

You 'are' your childrens oxygen, that's how important you are. Therefore you must not feel guilty about taking time to provide and take care of your own needs.
It sounds like both of you need a break and time out together, to discuss how you can both get a bit more down time and start functioning better as a team.

Be honest with your IL's tell them 'before you go' how much you would appreciate some time to work things out. They've been there and Im sure they will only be too happy to help.

smithfield Wed 03-Sep-08 10:33:24

In fact I also meant to say- the title of your thread says an awful lot!

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: