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I've destroyed everything

(123 Posts)
pinkpen Tue 02-Sep-08 13:25:33

I have a 5 month old ds who was born after an affair. I work away a lot and managed to keep the whole thing secret although everyone knew something was wrong.

I told my partner of 16 years last night.

My parents, brother and sisters don't know still.

I feel like the world is falling in on me. I am consumed by guilt - for my ds, my dp, my family.

I don't even really know why I am posting here. I think I just need to say it out loud.

eeewahwoowah Tue 02-Sep-08 13:29:17

wow - that's a big one. how did your dp take it?

heroicsavage Tue 02-Sep-08 13:29:30

Hi Pinkpen,
It sounds like an awful situation to be in but there must be some sense of relief in having told your partner now as it must felt awful keeping it to yourself and struggling with it for so long.
How did your partner react?

Dior Tue 02-Sep-08 13:30:07

Message withdrawn

solo Tue 02-Sep-08 13:30:36

Is she your partners or a result of your affair?
What has your partner said?
Is the affair finished?
What do you want to do now?

pinkpen Tue 02-Sep-08 13:36:37

I had to tell him as the lies had gone too, too far. We are supposed to be going away but I can't leave ds.

He was stunned. He said he needed to think. He asked if I would consider adoption. I left and he has been ringing me since asking me to go back to talk but I can't until I can get ds's dad to look after him which won't be until this evening. Now dp feels abandoned.

I have no idea what i want to do. I haven't even thought about that and to be honest wouldn't know how to start thinking about it.

Dior Tue 02-Sep-08 13:38:07

Message withdrawn

BecauseImWorthIt Tue 02-Sep-08 13:40:39

Do you mean that your DP wanted to adopt the child, or that he wanted to give him up for adoption?

If the former, surely that's a very positive thing.

If the latter - a worrying response - although perhaps not surprising given that you've betrayed him in such a way.

I think you have to come clean to your family as well, because if nothing else you are likely to need their help/support in the next few months. Why can't you tell them?

But it also sounds like you're still involved with the other man. Is this true? If so, how do you expect your DP to respond?

mumblechum Tue 02-Sep-08 13:40:44

What do you mean, "we were supposed to be going away but I can't leave ds"? Did you have the baby in secret and leave him with the other man?

GooseyLoosey Tue 02-Sep-08 13:41:02

Does your reference to ds's dad mean that he has known all along that he is the father of your child?

Is your DP suggesting adopting another child or that you get your ds adopted?

You must be finding the situation really hard!

pinkpen Tue 02-Sep-08 13:41:27

I can't take ds - who dp didn;t know about until last night - on holiday with us.

We lost a baby 10 years ago and haven't had any since. In fact in 6 years we've only slept together 5 or 6 times. But we're very emotionally close. Or were.

Lauriefairycake Tue 02-Sep-08 13:43:15

how did you carry to term without him knowing you were pregnant?

solo Tue 02-Sep-08 13:44:10

So your Ds is not your Dp's? is that for definite?
If you consider adoption for your son, what/how would you feel if Dp buggers off anyway?
I'm sounding really hard and I don't mean to, I'm sorry. It's just that at the end of the day, you have to do what's right for you and not Dp, because the only person that you can rely on for stability is YOU and you would need to take into consideration how you'd feel/cope if you did give up your baby and the relationship broke down anyway. I know I'd feel like crap and really let down. I know that I would not get over that. Ever!

pinkpen Tue 02-Sep-08 13:45:23

He is suggesting I give ds up for adoption.

Yes, I had him in secret. Since his birth I have only been "home" sporadically leaving ds with his father.

Ds's dad has yes, known all along he is the father.

MascaraOHara Tue 02-Sep-08 13:45:56

Are you a man PP?

And the baby is with the woman you had a n affair with?

I'm confused..

solo Tue 02-Sep-08 13:46:09

Oh blimey! just caught up...

eeewahwoowah Tue 02-Sep-08 13:46:34

phew! It sounds like you did right thing getting this out in the open. I have to be blunt and say that your relationship with your partner can't be that close if you have only just revealed the existence of your 5 month old ds to him/her (assume him). I am sorry to say that, it's just my opinion. I do understand that relationships aren't straightforward. But .....

BreeVanderCampLGJ Tue 02-Sep-08 13:46:39

Good grief what a lot to deal with, I am sure MN will be very supportive. Don't worry about this being your first post.

Flamesparrow Tue 02-Sep-08 13:46:48

Ok - you need to spell this out for us as it is all very confusing.

You live alone with DS.

DP didn't know about him.

You were having an affair, DP is not the father.

DP wants to adopt DS, or wants him to BE adopted?

MascaraOHara Tue 02-Sep-08 13:47:29


does the abbies father know about your dp? or are you leading a double life?

wouldn't you just leave the man you didn't have kids with for your new family?

JuneBugJen Tue 02-Sep-08 13:48:06

Not sure what is going on in your life, need more info.
Please could we have a brief cast list?

pinkpen Tue 02-Sep-08 13:48:11

I can't give my baby up. I have become cold and hard but I will not do that.

solo Tue 02-Sep-08 13:48:33

You poor, poor lady.

Would you consider splitting with Dp and maybe setting up your life with Ds's daddy?

zoo123 Tue 02-Sep-08 13:49:13

Poor you.

I'm not sure if I've got this right, you have been with your dp for 16 years and have had an affair which has resulted in your having a baby that your dp didn't know about. You managed this because you are away from home a lot? where have you been for the last 6 months? The man you've had the affair with, he knows he has a baby then.

I'm not being judgy just trying to get things straight in my own mind.

MascaraOHara Tue 02-Sep-08 13:49:32

what makes your dp a dp??

you don't live with him.. rarely see him for at least a year.. isn't he just some bloke you occassionally shag, maybe, sometimes?

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