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Would you rather have a romantic and affectionate Dh or one who is supportive and a great father?

(54 Posts)
Bringbackmybonnietome Tue 02-Sep-08 13:04:21

Ok I know you'd really want both.

But if you had to choose?

I have the latter.

My DH loves me, works hard, supports and encourages me in my career, does loads around the house, is devoted to our sons, does loads with them we have similar interests, views on life and spend loads of time together.

BUT

he has never been romantic and is not very affectionate. I complain about this and feel that I am missing out on something.

I think I should just really appreciate what I have with such a good husband, but still hanker after the 'romance.'

Which wold you choose?

LucyJones Tue 02-Sep-08 13:05:13

the latter

Pinkjenny Tue 02-Sep-08 13:05:51

The latter.

BlingLovin Tue 02-Sep-08 13:05:59

yup- the latter. You can bring the affection and romance if he's doing the other stuff?

OrmIrian Tue 02-Sep-08 13:06:37

I want the latter from my DH. Which is largely what I get.

However I may advertise for the post of wildly romantic (unmarried) lover to fulfill the other bit.

well-if i had a dh who always bought me red roses and called me sweet names and whisked me off to paris every month but did fuck all the rest of the time i would be very unhappy.

i wouldn't enjoy the romance if i wasn't happy the rest of the time.
but yes-i would want both i think.

in what way is he not affectionate or romantic? how does he express love?

melpomene Tue 02-Sep-08 13:08:15

latter. If he's supportive of you then that's showing that he loves you, isn't it, even if he doesn't say it romantically. Far better that than someone who showers you with roses petals and then leaves you to sweep them up while he goes off to do his own thing.

mehgalegs Tue 02-Sep-08 13:09:33

I have the latter, for which I am eternally grateful but I'd like a bit of the other (fnar fnar)too.

My self esteem is very low and I know a little more affection would be a boost.

WideWebWitch Tue 02-Sep-08 13:10:32

I have one who is both but can't you teach him the latter? In a nice way, just tell him you'd like some romance in your life and do some romantic things for him?

SpandexIsMyEnemy Tue 02-Sep-08 13:10:46

what do you mean when you say you want romance?

I don't want or need the overly romantic gestures.

little things like a post it in the fridge saying I love you, or something like that's enough for me - but would rather have a loving, respectful supportive husband who's a good father than a romantic bloke who was found wanting at the other stuff.

Bringbackmybonnietome Tue 02-Sep-08 13:12:05

He expresses his love by being supportive and devoted to our family and by doing things for me and the DS's. He says.

I say , yes I see that, but I'd like cuddling on the sofa as well as you taking the bins out.

NO 'I want both' answers please.

Youhave to choose.

WideWebWitch Tue 02-Sep-08 13:12:17

Could you arrange an evening out, talk to him, tell him how much you appreciate and love him? In some ways I do think the things in the first list ARE romantic: romance is about more than hearts and flowers.

in what ways are YOU romantic? i think leading by example is a good way of going about getting what you want.

if you want candles and champagne-you do it first and say lots of positive things 'i love it when we spend tme like this-it makes me loved and sexy' etc etc

Kally Tue 02-Sep-08 13:16:34

Was he ever romantic? You can tell this from the begining (whether it's forced and he's acting 'textbook') or whether he is naturally romantic.
You can tell this by the books he reads, the movies he likes to watch, his humour... you must have known originally whether he was the romantic type or not.

dittany Tue 02-Sep-08 13:22:23

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

funnypeculiar Tue 02-Sep-08 13:25:51

If I had to choose, the latter.

Agree with dittany that there's a big gap between romantic (which I personally could live without I think- although it certainly gives me a lift when dh remembers)
and affectionate. eg dh brings me a cup of tea every morning in bed. It ain't romantic, but it is affectionate, & it tells me that he understands me (I'm not a morning person) and looks after me.
I wouldn't want to live in a marriage without affection, I don't think...

Kally Tue 02-Sep-08 13:38:15

True about affection. Romance is something you can conjure up yourself. I am not crazy about romance. Affection yes.
Funnypeculiar you are so right about the cup of tea business. My Dad used to do that for me as far back as I remember, I adore it when a man does that... It hits my inner appreciation and safe spot.
Prefer that sort of care than any bunch of 24 roses or chocolate box...

SpandexIsMyEnemy Tue 02-Sep-08 13:41:45

agree with the affection thing - and also after a marriage which was lonely I now say I definatly want intimacy but WITHOUT being physical iycwim.

that's also v important to me.

Bringbackmybonnietome Tue 02-Sep-08 14:45:39

He was never really romantic, but the attraction was great and mutual so that saw us to marriage.

He does bring me tea in bed actually, but I never really considered that affectionate.

I think I may be guilty of discounting much of what he does do. When we have argued about this, he accuses me of that.

He tells me I'm attractive and sexy, but he's not very physical, accept when it comes to sex, and he certainly never does any grand gestures, or small ones, like the 'I Love you' note on the fridge, he'd never do that.

But I'd have to admit neither do I and also that maybe I'm not terribly affectioanate or physical myself.

In the evening if we watch Tv together we sit separately, we are realxed and have good chats about stuff we are watching, and TBH I'd proabably get fed up of cuddles and want my space quite quickly.

We do talk about this. He promises to try harder, and he does try, but I just don't think it comes that naturally to either of us, but still I am wistful for the romance.

OrmIrian Tue 02-Sep-08 14:50:35

That does sound horribly familiar bringback. We do affection and sex, but not passion I suppose. Which is why I want my DH for the supportive daddy stuff and another man for the other stuff wink. As a couple we don't do passion that well. And mostly I don't want it but sometimes I do.

InsidiousViolet Tue 02-Sep-08 16:59:08

I agree, can very easliy live without romance but not without affection.

Anna8888 Tue 02-Sep-08 17:01:38

I have both, but he doesn't score equally everywhere. He is superlatively affectionate, reasonably romantic, supportive as long as I am clear about my needs and a fantastic father.

LackaDAISYcal Tue 02-Sep-08 17:11:42

My DH is supportiver and a great father, but is also affectionate and has been known, occasionally, to send me lovely exotic blooms for no other reason than he thinks I needed cheering up, so I suppose I have the best of both worlds grin

He isn't perfect by any stretch of the imagination though and we have our moments. Our main gripe is that he is away all week and I'm knackered at weekends so our sex life is a wee bitty lacking, but he's a pretty good all rounder I'd say.

susie100 Tue 02-Sep-08 18:18:28

The latter but affection is key. I think the things you mention your husband doing ARE romantic, much more than a bunch of flowers or a weekend away. I have never gone in for flashy shows of romance, on anecdotal experience the most overtly romantic men I and my girlfriends have been out with ended up being rotters/unfaithful.

My grandparents were married for 70 yrs and he never bought a flower or birthday present (ok maybe a bit extreme) but was the ideal husband in my view because of the respect and love he showed.

DanJARMouse Tue 02-Sep-08 18:20:34

I have both! Lucky I know.

Affectionate is key - cant be in a relationship without affection! Same for supportive. The good father and romance can be worked on!

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