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Oh FFS dh used to be so lovely now he's turned into a miserable old fucker with the "seduction"; techniques of a 14 year old I am soooooooooooooo fed up

(22 Posts)
getsonmynerves Mon 01-Sep-08 23:46:50

He's grumpy and miserable and doesn't talk much

His idea of initiating sex is to act like a 14 year old, groping me in a not very subtle manner

His only redeeming feature I can think of atm is that he's a good dad and a good "provider"

but good god he's no fun to be around AT ALL

last week on holiday we had a crisis talk and said we'd make an effort to be extra nice

but there's nothing coming from him

OldLadyKnowsNothing Tue 02-Sep-08 01:57:20

Have you told him exactly what you expect from him? I mean, in great (though not necessarily graphic) detail?

It's always easier to fulfill expectations when we know what they are. If you only agreed to be "extra nice" that could mean anything from him rushing home to help with los to him booking you a dirty weekend in Paris.

Be specific.

SheSellsSeashellsByTheSeashore Tue 02-Sep-08 06:48:45

"His idea of initiating sex is to act like a 14 year old, groping me in a not very subtle manner"

why is that men still believe that this will work? my dh does this too. it didnt work when you were 14 love and its not going to work now.

my way of dealing with it is too anounce very loudly <particularly if we are at mils> "will you leave me alone and stop groping me" or "for gods sake will you get off me"

i have also explained that the reason we dont have sex much is because im constantly pressured to have it. its not much of a turn on hearing "are we doing 'it' tonight?" for the millionth time.

getsonmynerves Tue 02-Sep-08 09:01:58

OldLady, we did agree to just try and not snap at each other, but he just can't get through a day without an angry outburst. sad

SeaShells, that's exactly it. I do feel sorry for dh to some extent because we do it so very rarely, but I have said to him why don't you try a more subtle approach for once and he obviously just can't be arsed with that so I in turn can't be arsed to respond to his clumsy approaches. But when I just don't turn away from those he goes off in a huff...

FioFio Tue 02-Sep-08 09:06:49

Message withdrawn

HappyWoman Tue 02-Sep-08 09:08:24

Maybe try a different tact.
Are you being 'extra' nice to him?

My h turned into a very unpleasant character (but he was having an affair - unbeknown to me).
I decided to make sure he could not have anything to 'thorw' back at me iyswim.

I made sure i was still treating him the way i would expect to be treated and instead of everything becoming a fight and competition did what i knew was the right thing.

He did notice (and i think it did make him feel very guilty - he could not justify his affair by me being the bitch at home).

It also showed him how to behave without me having to have a talk or me spelling it out to him.

After the affair - my h begged me to have him back - and said that he had seem what a wonderful person i was (i knew that all the time anywaywink)

It did actually make me feel so much better about myself - i was not going to let him in his miserable state bring me down and turn me into a mirerable cow - i was still going to treat him with the respect even if he did not me.

It may not work but could be worth a try.

HappyWoman Tue 02-Sep-08 09:11:11

not sure what to suggest about the sex.
Again maybe you show him - what is it you would like?

Romanic film, bottle of wine, bath by candle light?
Just do it for yourself.
Drop subbtle hints - tell him about your friends and their romantic dp.

Anna8888 Tue 02-Sep-08 09:14:31

I think you need to go away somewhere grown-up and romantic together (without children) for a few days to rekindle some loving feelings.

And HappyWoman's advice is very good - don't let your DH's uncivilised behaviour fool you into being anything other than your normal wonderful self.

Take a look at Hip Hotels and plan an escape.

getsonmynerves Tue 02-Sep-08 09:17:53

Difficult to get away because we have three young children, one with SN.

It is very good advice about not being dragged down into grumpiness, but so hard...

TheHedgeWitch Tue 02-Sep-08 09:18:52

Message withdrawn

Anna8888 Tue 02-Sep-08 09:18:54

sad Is there no way at all you can ever get respite care for your child with SN?

getsonmynerves Tue 02-Sep-08 09:19:02

But do you think I should have sex with him even when he's like this just to lift his mood? Because atm we haven't done it for ages and ages and I don't really want to but I'm thinking maybe I should

getsonmynerves Tue 02-Sep-08 09:20:17

"Because i tell him to stop it he's started behving like a petty teenager saying i must not love him because i never want him touching me.~"

the HedgeWitch, this is dh, he feels rejected he says, but I just can't stand the groping

getsonmynerves Tue 02-Sep-08 09:21:21

He doesn't qualify for respite, he's still very small (2 years) and very clingy and needy. Might get better when he's a bit bigger.

Anna8888 Tue 02-Sep-08 09:22:34

No, you shouldn't.

You need to explain to him that his behaviour is very dangerous for your relationship and that he needs to treat you better.

I had a mini-meltdown on Sunday night with my DP - having spent the whole weekend being a support service for my DSSs and my partner's parents (his mother has cancer) and no-one doing anything for me, we finally got to bed/all children asleep on Sunday night, I gave him a little kiss and cuddle - and he started talking about his mother. Grrrrrrrrrr. I got very cross and went to sleep in my daughter's room and didn't email him at the office all day yesterday.

He came home with a huge bunch of roses and was very attentive all evening smile. All OK now.

TheHedgeWitch Tue 02-Sep-08 09:26:59

Message withdrawn

getsonmynerves Tue 02-Sep-08 09:34:11

dh says he's always been like this, but I don't think he has or in the past when I was younger and didn't have three children I felt differently about it.


Anna8888 Tue 02-Sep-08 09:36:40

My DP has to be reminded to be gentle. He quickly forgets that he is much bigger and stronger than me and that his playful squeeze or bite might break my ribs or give me a huge painful bruise smile.

I do think that, once they have overcome their initial shyness with women, some men completely zap about women's feelings. They do need prodding to be civilised and romantic.

SheSellsSeashellsByTheSeashore Tue 02-Sep-08 09:38:29

i wont go anywhere near dh when he asks for a hug as it means in man terms 'come over here so i can squeeze your tits and pull your top down' i have told him so and make him promise not to grope me before i go over to him.

he has started to calm down with it now that i ahve become more blunt about it instead of just pushing him away.

lowbattery Thu 04-Sep-08 10:11:30

I dont think theres anything worse than being groped. My ex used to do this, over the years he changed from a lovely man to a Benny Hill impressionist. Not only did i have the groping but constant letcherous comments , for instance i couldnt get dressed without him making juvenile remarks.
In the end i couldnt go near him in any way and all affection stopped because if i hugged him he would grope me or make horrible remarks that i found quite degrading.Of course hed then whine about the lack of sex and affection !

He disgusted me in the end because of the constant groping and leering , he was like a teenage boy.
Despite telling him to quit a thousand times he wouldnt and would say he was " only joking " or i was " too sensitive " and he would sulk.
Funny because he wouldnt dare speak to the women at work like that and if hed have groped me like that in the early days hed be old news.
Personally i thinks its a lack of respect, im quite certain he wont be groping his new girlfreind like that.Was the beginning of the end for me.

Washersaurus Thu 04-Sep-08 10:19:12

My DH tells me that I should be grateful/happy that he still finds me so attractive hmm

lowbattery Thu 04-Sep-08 10:37:15

Fwiw i dont think you should sleep with him just because you feel you ought to.If your telling him its unacceptable but then still sleep with him your sort of sending the message that its ok.
I used to make an effort ( simply to get him off my back ) and unfortunateley i simply taught him that the groping would get him a result.I hated it and grew to resent him to the point i could hardly look at him , used to feel like id been molested.

Looking back there were other areas of our marriage where he was also behaving very disrespectfully towards me but i didnt really see it until it crept into our bedroom.
Not surprising were seperated now but he does now acknowledge that it was wrong and aparently feels bad about it.
Is he generally respectfull and thoughtfull in other areas?

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