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people with toxic parents advice needed!!!!!

(17 Posts)
mum2samandalex Mon 01-Sep-08 18:11:13

Basically mil wants dh to walk her down the isle even though she disowned him 3 years ago.Its a classic toxic parent relationship.Shes been totally unsupportive of us just because she didnt like me taking her ds away. She didnt even look at my engagement ring or meet my family. We ended up going away to get married as an excuse for them not to come because we knew theyd spoil it and so they snubbed our wedding pictures and didnt even send us a card or congratulate us.Plus she had disowned dh prior to this and even her gs because we were buying a house near my mum and she was jealous that gs would see more of my family even though she wont admit this.She was jealous when i was pregnant with her first gc that my mum came with me to the scans basically she had ruined every happy occassion by having a temper tantum.

She always moans how dh has hurt her-hes done nothingexcept grow up.
Dh and her havent spoke in in over three years and since then we have a new ds whos 7 mths now she didnt event congratulate us on that when dh thought he'd better tell her the news out of respect. She hasnt come round once to see him or asked how he was. And now out of the blue she and fil are renewing their vowels (even though she has always told me and dh that she hates him and wished she never married him) and wants dh to walk her down the isle. She didnt even ask him herself fil rang him!!!!

mum2samandalex Mon 01-Sep-08 18:12:17

oh plus her daughter annouced her marriage was over on friday and they annouced their remarriage yeaterday so dh is fuming about the timing!

JillJ72 Mon 01-Sep-08 18:51:26

Think the answer's quite clear.... if I was your husband with that kind of relationship with my parents, I would politely and respectfully decline, as I wouldn't consider myself a suitable person for such a position of responsibility!

PinkyDinkyDooToo Mon 01-Sep-08 18:54:26

What Jill said!

FioFio Mon 01-Sep-08 18:57:55

Message withdrawn

mum2samandalex Mon 01-Sep-08 19:16:38

thankyou im just worried about dh as he his fuming that they dare ask him that and that they expect him to respect them and be happy and they cant do the same.Not to mention his sisters marriage ended literally on friday and pil announced their news yesterday after discussing for a just a week surely they could of waited.

JillJ72 Mon 01-Sep-08 19:52:18

Absolutely they could have waited, but nothing like people who like to play happy families and expect everyone to be equally as happy hmm

He can respect their decision, but it doesn't mean he has to take the job being offered! Sorry, I see a happy chummy families scene being played out, with bride centre of attention, surrounded by "adoring" children and grandchildren

Ally90 Mon 01-Sep-08 20:36:08

Does he feel able to say no? I just wonder why you posted if he felt able to turn them down.

If its to get compassion and understanding...fire away His mother sounds borderline personality disorder/narcarssistic pd. Her behaviour is very unreasonable and your dh has every right to feel hurt/angry and whatever else he feels about her behaviour and his fathers.

mum2samandalex Mon 01-Sep-08 21:08:12

he said yes initally out of shock but then realising what he said once he put the phone down. He wants to do the right thing but cannot forgive his mum for how shes treated us. I just dont want his siblings to gang up him like they have down before.His ds actually rang and said dm cried and doesnt think you love her and he told me he thats how he does feel but didnt want to be that cruel and say it. Thing is they seem to make excuses up or ignore how dm has treated him.

mum2samandalex Mon 01-Sep-08 21:08:13

he said yes initally out of shock but then realising what he said once he put the phone down. He wants to do the right thing but cannot forgive his mum for how shes treated us. I just dont want his siblings to gang up him like they have down before.His ds actually rang and said dm cried and doesnt think you love her and he told me he thats how he does feel but didnt want to be that cruel and say it. Thing is they seem to make excuses up or ignore how dm has treated him.

Ally90 Mon 01-Sep-08 21:15:27

Oh....emotional blackmail via third parties...thats a new one hmm

He needs to say no and not feel guilty about it. Harder said than done, I know from personal experience.

How about a letter/email then screen all phone calls after that? So he does not have to go through the emotional wringer each time she wants to twist the knife?

"I was surprised when you contacted me after 3 years and it was only out of surprise and manners that I agreed to x. However having thought further on the matter, due to your behaviour towards myself/dw/dc, I would rather not have any further involvement with your life.

I hope your day is all you want it to be.

Regards

x"

Or something else that is not too bitter...quite frankly the woman is a nutcase...and if your dh's siblings are ganging up...sounds like she's got to them too one way or another...its often the case you only get one healthy sibling out of a group of abused siblings. Very tough on the healthy one...

mum2samandalex Tue 02-Sep-08 09:16:53

should he go to the wedding even? i dont want to go and def dont want to take the kids.when weve been to weddings before when they are there sil's have literally taken kids off and straight to the gp's they cant even walk over to them!

JillJ72 Tue 02-Sep-08 10:31:54

If he doesn't feel that he can be there because he is honestly happy for them, then no, he is under no obligation, even if they are his parents. Just because you're blood related does not mean you can treat people willy nilly.

Send a card and, if you want, a small gift, wish them well and then do something nice for yourselves as a family unit that day instead.

nauseous Tue 02-Sep-08 16:15:34

mum2samandalex - I think if DH wants to protect himself and your family from this woman he will realise that he has to politely decline. I have a toxic, controlling narcissistic mother who pulls these sorts of stunts. They want you when its convenient for them, and not otherwise. Which can be very hard...

Through many years of counselling I'm 'over' being frightened of her and wanting her approval.

It comes down to this; why does he think she asked him to do this? When he acknowledges her narcissim - ie this is just for show not to honour DP in some way - he will learn to look after himself better vis a vis his mother. I can recommend this useful website: http://www.narcissism101.com/

Good luck supporting him.

domesticslattern Tue 02-Sep-08 17:31:01

What happens when you renew your vowels? Is it like, aaaaaaaaaaaa, eeeeeeeeeeeeee, iiiiiiiiiiiiiii...

sorry, couldn't resist it. wink

Anyway, I do think she is messing with your dh's head, and I am not surprised that you were upset that she didn't acknowledge your ds. But I diverge slightly from the other posters as I am of the - "would you go to their funeral?" mind. So, if you would go to her funeral, then you should go to her wedding. Just one day out of your life, showing yourself to be adults, maybe even only going briefly rather than boycotting the whole affair. Walking her down the aisle is definitely pushing it though, and Jill's advice would be a fall back position.

The decision though, must be dh's. As nauseous says, good luck supporting him.

mum2samandalex Tue 02-Sep-08 20:59:50

he doesnt want to i know that he says he has no feelings towards his mother except anger. I think the one thing stopping him is if he doesnt go will the rest of the family turn on him? But if he does go will he be forced into a emotional scene in front of the whole family having to play happy families pose for photo's etc pretending nothing has happened.I mean she hasnt acknowledged our children thats the most hurtful thing of all. Im planning a christening soon so im wondering whether they will make the effort for that as that is completely about the children and not us.

AttilaTheMeerkat Wed 03-Sep-08 09:40:35

His decision ultimately but I don't think he has any real choice by to dsy no and not feel guilty about it. Besides which guilt is a useless emotion. I think his initial "yes" was said out of shock, after all there had been no contact for three years up till then.

I would purchase your DH a copy of "Toxic Parents" written by Susan Forward as a matter of course and read it together. The rest of her family have likely turned on him anyway because she (who is to my mind has NPD Naricissitic Personality Disorder) has got to them as well probably by using the same methods. Everyone plays a role in dysfunctional families; your DH is the scapegoat for their ills. If he attends he and they will be playing the "happy families" role. Your MIL will lap it up as she will be the centre of attention again.

My response to your last question is that they have not made an effort up till now so why should a christening make any difference. I take it as read therefore this toxic mother of DH's and associated family won't be invited to your child's christening.

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