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Pregnant and friend behaving oddly towards husband

(23 Posts)
Bellchops Mon 01-Sep-08 15:57:09

This is a long moaning post. Sorry.

Am 34 weeks pregnant and living in alien city which i moved to when we married recently. Have no friends here and quite lonely so friends visiting is really important to me. So far though whenever friends visit they flirt with my husband and this weekend I blew up over it.

Spent the weekend with single friend telling me how lucky I am to have him, how good looking he is and wonderful around the house etc etc. All true. On Sat eve she was asking personal questions about our sex life - if we have dirty sex etc which isn't that odd as we used to be very close when we were both single and talk about stuff like this, but I really didn't want to discuss this sort of thing infront of DH. We went out drinking, when we got home DH and friend pissed... friend starts pushing DH on the sofa, almost play fighting. Didn't say anything as put it down to drunkeness.

Next morning wake up alone, DH already downstairs talking to friend which is fine, DH says he's off to DIY store, takes friend who really wants to go (I don't want to) which is again fine. They get back and we all go for breakfast. As I go to get into the car I say 'oh, the backseat's still down' (no reason, just saying what I saw) to which friend replies 'yes, we were having rampant sex in the back of the car' which makes me feel strange. (Odd thing to say, no?)

Get to breakfast place, sit down with papers, eat food, friend keeps asking me questions about the baby and parenting styles regarding smacking etc. Everytime I answer I feel attacked. (Have to explain why I don't really agree with smacking kids, why we have the buggy we do, why we have a baby carrier etc - felt like 20 questions.) When we start talking about the baby carrier thing we have for DH to carry baby I say that I know he only wanted it to make him look sexy - you know... catalogue man with baby strapped to front, but also said that I am worried about him tripping and squashing baby. He starts to make jokes about my worries, she joins in etc. DH then says it'll be easier to use the carrier than wheel a buggy. I point out that babies need lots of other stuff so we'll still need a baby for bits and bobs and he tells me this isn't true - that his friends have informed him of this! I say 'you're really fucking me off now' (eloquent I know) to which friend starts saying 'oooooooh!' like a child. I say 'erm' as I can't think of the words I need (increasing problem since I've been pregnant which I have founds very frustrating) and husband does an impression of me. Friend laughs and I get up, tears in eyes and go to the bathroom. Friend comes to bathroom and I ask her to 'leave it' - she does. After composing myself I go back to the table (only 1 minute max) and realised I was actually really upset, burst out crying and say 'you're always a complete cunt when my friends visit' - I then leave with the plan of walking home as it's only 10 minutes away. DH comes after me full of apologies, we agree I am walking home and he will take friend back to house. I sob all the way home.

Get back and have 10 minute crying fit in bedroom explaining why I am upset (feeling ganged up on, having to explain self, him suddenly becoming Gina fucking Ford when the spines of all the baby books I've bought him remain pristine, him making fun of my slowness of late etc...) then hear the front door slam and run down to find friend putting bags in car crying and saying she's out stayed her welcome.

I quickly regain composure and convince her to come back in then spend next 45 minutes trying to stop her crying and convince her that none of this is her fault. Even tell her things about relationship that frankly I didn't want to tell her just to make her feel it's our problem and not hers.

She ends up staying for another couple of hours and calms down a lot but the day after I actually feel more angry. I feel like I always have to be the strong person - even though I was upset she ends up being the crying girl who gets sympathy! Husband seems to think all is fine and I actually now feel more mad with her than him. I never thought I'd be so jealous and possessive but I hate the way my friends act like this around him. He isn't a flirt in any way so I don't think he invites it.

I think I should have been straighter with her and said that yes, I did think she was out of order for various reasons. She's just very very fragile - problems with depression and doesn't have many friends to talk to. She said as much when she was crying.

Am I being crazy? I am hormonal at the moment but even writing this down makes me feel lonely and teary. I feel very unattractive which doesn't help. I am now dreading her coming after the baby is born as I fear a repeat of last time. I do really miss my friends but not when they are like this. Help! I feel lonely and miserable but confused. I don't like being so alone here but then I don't want friends to visit if this is what's going to happen. Aware that I probably sound like a pregnant nutcase overeacting about trivial things. Does anyone have any advice?

janeite Mon 01-Sep-08 16:00:03

You sound very tired and very hormonal to me. My only advice would be to have a long bath with a book and just concentrate on pampering yourself a bit.

Bellchops Mon 01-Sep-08 16:03:17

Would do but living on a building site (even dust in bathroom). Good idea though. Perhaps book will have to do.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight Mon 01-Sep-08 16:06:04

I think you might need to tell your friends clearly that you don't enjoy the sexual innuendo with DH. Yes, you overreacted (unless you really think they were having it off? hmm) I have a friend who jokes around like that - means nothing, but if you don't like it, you are entitled and you must say so.
It's annoying when you feel criticised but I doubt friend was really trying to grill you - does she have kids? She was probably just interested. Again, I have a freiend like this (everything is 20 questions) and it can be annoying but it's not meant badly. I think you are a bit hormonal (totally understandable, I'm 38 weeks and very familiar with it!) Plus a bit of loneliness and maybe you wanted your pal to yourself a bit, or built her visit up until you were let down by the reality? Especially upsetting if you don't see friends very often.

Poohbah Mon 01-Sep-08 16:06:09

She's not much of a friend if she flirts with your husband when you are pregnant regardless of your hormonal madness. Don't bother with her visiting again it's too stressful. She is thoughtless. You'll meet lots of new mums soon and make some proper friends.

beanieb Mon 01-Sep-08 16:08:47

it is your hormones...

though one part of your post does ring bells "Even tell her things about relationship that frankly I didn't want to tell her just to make her feel it's our problem and not hers" ...

is there more to the feelings of jealoousy than you have said?

islandlassie Mon 01-Sep-08 16:09:17

Pampering sounds like a good idea to me but the stuff you talked about at the start would have really grated on me too.

Tell her next time you see her that you dont like her commenting on your husband. Being single it was fine but married is another ball game all together!

janeite Mon 01-Sep-08 16:11:34

So - you're living on a building site, your (first?) baby is almost due, you've been entertaining a guest, you probably feel knackered and big and a big fragile generally anyway - I say give yourself a break!

Friend was probably genuinely interested about all the baby stuff, especially if you are one of the first of her friends to have a baby: she's probably trying to pick up tips for when it's her turn at some point! Husband sounds like he was just trying to keep evrybody happy and really loves you; your friend clearly cares about you too and was probably a bit shocked and guilty about your (ormonally justified of course, "over" reaction.

Don't be too hard on yourself, hubby, or friend. And if you can get out of the bomb site for a cup of hot chocolate and a piece of cake (along with the book!) so much the better. Take care xx

Bellchops Mon 01-Sep-08 16:12:07

Definitely don't think they were up to anything. DH not like that at all. Just very hurt that she doesn't have more tact. And also just bloody annoyed that when I was upset she suddenly has a hysterical fit and needs more attention than I did. Just feels like I spend a lot of time walking on eggshells for her and never get the same courtesy back. She doens't have kids and most of her questions are just her being genuinely interested in my/our choices about babies and parenting. It's more her flirty comments and laughing at everything husband says that upset me. Am very hormonal though. Crying whilst typing this! Feel like I am losing my mind.

janeite Mon 01-Sep-08 16:12:21

"ormonally"?!!!! Help - I've turned into Phil Mitchell!

snowleopard Mon 01-Sep-08 16:15:11

God, I don't think you overreacted at all! She behaved terribly - I think your DH was also to blame of course, though I can see he probably got carried away with the flattery, but really! You are 34 weeks, hormonal, tired... both DH and friend should be treating you like a queen, waiting on you hand and foot and being sympathetic, not flirting and making jokes about sex and mocking what you say! DH needs to crawl and make it up to you (he does sound sorry) and I think this friend needs the cold shoulder for a while. Focus on you, DH and baby when he or she arrives, and make it extremely clear that you will let people know when you're ready for visits.

To be brutally honest, needy friends like this can be too much when you have a baby - your priorities change, and rightly so.

I want to give you a big (((hug))) and nice cup of tea...

Bellchops Mon 01-Sep-08 16:15:25

No - not more to jealousy - just that I ended up telling her about DH not having read any books about baby and how mad that makes me. Plus info about a row we've had before when he's 'shown off' (Ha! makes him sound about 5) in front of a friend of mine. Things that I don't like telling her as I think it makes us look like we're always rowing. Which after her behaviour I am wary of as I don't trust her intentions too much. We have actually only ever had 3 rows so felt I was misrepresenting our relationship purely to stop her crying - like a betrayal.

Bellchops Mon 01-Sep-08 16:19:53

I think I'm doubley (sp?) sad as she and I have only ever really got on when we're both single. She was very odd with me when I had a boyfriend pre DH. I do wonder if the friendship has run its course and feel terrible as she doesn't have anyone. Plus, I don;t really have anyone near to me anymore except DH. Lonely. Actually feel very child like after weekend. Like everyone was bullying me. Wish I could compose myself as I used to be feisty and quite an in control type.

poorbuthappy Mon 01-Sep-08 16:20:15

I can't string a decent reply together - also preggies and first day back in work after hols so brain is not playing ball today...

basically I think she and your partner were both out of order. Deal with them 1 at a time. (Sounds like you have made some headway with partner).
If you want to keep the friendship you will have to speak to your friend and explain why you lost the plot and ask her to curb her enthusiam for your partner as it is not appropriate.
If you don't want to keep the friendship then that is a decision for you alone.

To be completely honest I don't have any friends who would act this way to me or my partner, and if they did, then they wouldn't be my friend. Actually I did have 1 friend who hated the fact that other peoples world didn't revolve around her - needless to say she's not my friend anymore...

Bellchops Mon 01-Sep-08 16:21:26

Thanks to everyone for being so nice. Feel a lot better for writing this all down and getting others' perspectives. :0

zwiggy Mon 01-Sep-08 16:22:07

I would say straight out 'don't flirt with my husband, I'm pregnant and hormonal and I will probably read more into it that you mean'

poorbuthappy Mon 01-Sep-08 16:25:30

Or say - don't flirt with my husband, I'm pregnant and hormonal and I will probably run you over in my car and make it look like an accident!!!!!

Bellchops Mon 01-Sep-08 16:26:05

Hi PBH - I think that's why i feel sad as I just don't want her in my house again. Feel territorial and warrior like, albeit in a crying snotty way. I don't want her near to DH or baby as I think she's got a bit of a thing for DH. I have traditionally gone for quite ugly but amusing men. DH is very good looking and she comments on it constantly. I get the feeling she'd have had a crack at him if I hadn't met him first. She has also mentioned things I did sexually with exes (which I haven't and nor do I want to do with DH) in front of DH. Things that I have told him about but neither of us want them discussed publically!

snowleopard Mon 01-Sep-08 16:26:37

There's nothing like being pregnant for making you feel out of control - but you will get your feistiness back. You'll meet lots of other mums when you have a baby (don't feel you have to hit it off with all of them, but IME some do become good friends) - you could feel like you're making a start now by researching playgroups, mother and baby groups, baby classes etc. (If you've got the energy!)

Even sooner, you could look for a pregnancy yoga or pg aqua aerobics etc. class. I loved pregnancy yoga - hardly any work at all, tea and biscuits at the end and I made friends. It was time off from everything too, let me think and be calm.

Bellchops Mon 01-Sep-08 16:28:52

LOL - car accident! Is pretty much how I felt. I would talk to her about this and ask her not to flirt but to be honest I don;t think it would do any good. She's very much a 'the whole world is a nightmare and I'm the normal one' type so asking her not to flirt would be interpreted as my insanity.

Bellchops Mon 01-Sep-08 16:29:27

Sorry Janeite - yes, is first baby.

janeite Mon 01-Sep-08 16:32:08

I like your thinking Zwiggy!

And pregnancy yoga sounds great too.

Bellchops Mon 01-Sep-08 16:33:13

Am starting yoga next week - need to make friends and relax. Also just started NCT so hoping that will mean more friends. Hmmm...

Have to go and pick car up from service now. Just had call. Thank you everyone. Really appreciate the advice and POVs.

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