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In desperate need of some help, is my DP really that bad? (long)

(25 Posts)
npg1 Mon 01-Sep-08 03:31:51

Hi. It's really late so not sure anyone will be up but not sure I can do this anymore.

P and I have been together for 10 years, i was 17 when I met him. We have 2 DD's. We have always been very up and down in our relationship and have been on the verge of leaving several times but I have tried so hard to make things work as I dont want to split up the family. He used to be really nasty in the past but things have changed and he is alot better now.

He works abroard all week and has done for 18 months, he is a workaholic and always thinks about money. To me it seems money comes first in everything. His weekends are so busy doing other things. I had a day on my own yesterday but had a fall halfway through the day, he was really rude to me on the phone and i told him he needed to come home and take me to A&E as thought my ankle was broken. That disrupted his plan for the rest of the day. Today was meant to be a family day but because of my accident yesterday I understood he had things to do. He got the hump over a question I asked this afternoon and didn't speak to me all evening and when he finally came to bed I blew my top! He has now gone off for work leaving me a nervous wreck and i have to deal with this all week. I even told him I feel like I dont want to live anymore because i want him to realise how upset I am.

He has threatened and said he wont come home next weekend and I know the following weekend he will not be coming home also because he has to work, this has really hurt me. Maybe i should just let him stay away for a couple of weeks but thats 3 weeks in total.

I feel our relationship isn't equal, he earns the money and spends it as he wants, he is in charge. He says he wants me to be more independant (surely I am if I run the house all week on my own?), I put on him too much, im irrational all the time. He doesn't show me any emotion only when he wants something once a week and im sick of it, he says he's too busy.

I just dont know if i am happy anymore but i do love him. Is this a normal relationship? Not sure if this counts but have started back on the pill again and not sure if this is making me depressed. I also had PND when DD2 was born but fought back and was fine up until a few weeks back.

leothelioness Mon 01-Sep-08 03:47:11

I am not sure if this helps but my situation is a little similar to you r i.e I dont work he dh does. We live abroad and dh is very money money money too.
I really feel for you it is awful to be made to feel that you do not take responsibility just because he works and you donot. Please remember that this is just not true you do alot more that he probably realises and just takes for granted that it just gets done.
Can you take some time out and talk to him one to one without it ending in an argument?

npg1 Mon 01-Sep-08 03:54:45

Thank you for replying, I have been going out of my mind. The thing with him is he hates me confronting him about anything, he is always right and makes me out to be the wrong one. We just haven't had time to sit down and talk recently. He thinks the family time is enough but I said tonight we need more us time, I really dont think he can see that though. He is starting a full time course in october and i know I will be on my own alot then but i except that and will support him.

We have had the chance to live abroard in the past and I havent wanted to because I know he will still work long hours, he keeps telling me that money is the most important thing but im not so sure it is now. Yes I know it helps alot but I dont know if we have anything in common anymore.

leothelioness Mon 01-Sep-08 04:02:49

Maybe something to work towards would be to find some common interests again something that made you two get together in the first place.
Obviously I donot know the ins and out or your situation but I did the living in UK while dh worked abroad thing a while back too and my DH still works long hours but even that hour when dh gets in from work and you two can have dinner together helps us both living in the same place definately helped us as a couple eventhough it was sometimes easier when it was just me in the UK making day to day decisions and geting on with things but dh felt cut off from the family so we moved to where he worked.

leothelioness Mon 01-Sep-08 04:03:15


Iwanttobreakfree Mon 01-Sep-08 08:04:42

Honey, he is controlling you. He does not respect you as he is not taking your wishes into consideration. Using money to control you is not acceptable in a relationship.

Being a dick because you thought you had broken your ankle is despicable behaviour. How can a man like that respect you? How can you respect a man who will do that?

If he is "always right and you are the wrong one" he is twisting things. You know really that can't be true. The law of averages denies it!

He says he wants you to be more independant, but he is controlling the financial situation so you can't be.

I have come to understand recently that sometimes if you act like a complete arse and are irrational you are being like that because of the situation you are in. Yes we all make mistakes ut it sounds to me like you are acting like you do because of the way he is treating you.

Personally it doesn't sound to me like a man like this can ever change for the better. And you say he has got better recently? Jesus what was he doing before? How has he been nasty? Name calling? Aggression? Controlling? Has he shouted you down? Has he pushed you? I'm just trying to find out how far this man will go.

What it comes down to is making yourself happy first. And your DDs. They don't need an unhappy mummy. If there is a way to change your relationship you need to do it. If that means leaving, you need to do it.

You sound like you are willing to support him, yet say you have nothing in common any more. You are giving all you can yet get nothing in return. Whats in it for you?!

I would suggest that first off you need to speak to your Dr and say how depressed you are feeling. Ask if you can see a counsellor - sometimes you can see one for free for a short time. Either that or you can go to Relate. If he is controlling your money they will be able to see you for free as it is a charity and you pay what you can afford. You need to explore your feelings as at the moment he is making you doubt your own mind.

I really feel for you as I am in a similar position - except I am leaving my husband. Coming here and asking questions, finding ouy how you really feel is a big step. Well done. Keep talking.

Take care,

TimeForMe Mon 01-Sep-08 08:40:36

IWTBF is right, he is controlling you BUT, you can only be controlled if you allow yourself to be (sorry if tha sounds harsh, I'm not meaning to be smile)

The first thng you need to do is take some time out to focus on yourself. Make yourself your priority. Treat yourself kindly and nicely, get your hair done, eat healthily, anything that gives you a lift and boosts your self esteem.

Secondly, you have to recognise that your happiness is not dependent on him or his moods. If he wants to be a miserable, controlling git then let him get on with it. Don't let his mood affect you. Be happy, be independent, be proud of yourself for all you achieve, you take care of everything while he is away working, be proud of that! You do a good job, start believing in yourself and stop trying so hard to get his approval.

Once you do all this, once you take a step back from him and concentrate on yourself, I promise you, you will find him making more of an effort, you will find him coming to you. You just have to create the space for him to do it.

Believe in yourself! smile xx

gagarin Mon 01-Sep-08 08:59:48

What about thinking about working yourself? It's horrid being reliant on someone for money - and I bet he doesn't give it out gracefully sad.

Even if now is not the right time for that then spend some time thinking about a plan for future work. Is there a course YOU'D like to do for example?

Or maybe you could concentrate on friendships as IMO that's where many women get their support from as opposed to their grumpy boring partners grin

Iwanttobreakfree Mon 01-Sep-08 09:00:26

Message withdrawn

TimeForMe Mon 01-Sep-08 09:08:59

I agree IWTBF, thats why you have to get tough! You have to withdraw from the game really. Take a step back and focus on yourself. Don't feel you have to be the one to fix things, to make things ok. If he insists on staying away this weekend then surpirse him by not reacting. Change the pattern of control he is used to. Use the time he is away to work on yourself.

FWIW my partner was exceptionally controlling. He still would be if I allowed it. I had to get tough, change the way I react and respond, not let my emotions get in the way, not allow myself to be manipulated. In a way I became the manipulator, I manipulate things so that he is not controlling. It's taken me a long time to realise how this passive/aggressive control thing works but, it can be done smile

TimeForMe Mon 01-Sep-08 09:11:24

IWTBF (sorry for hijack) I wonder if your DH is reacting this way because he fears abandonment. He can see you getting stronger, moving on, leaving him behind. He will be panicking now.

Have you read the book 'living with the passive aggressive man'. It's an excellent book which helps you to understand why controlling people behave the way that they do. It was my bible in the early days.

Iwanttobreakfree Mon 01-Sep-08 09:18:48

Timeforme - Thank you for your concern. Yes I do have the book! I can label him as the "water torturer" down to a tee. It has taken me time to actually read the book, it scared me to do so, but now I do I see more and more of his behaviour in there.

Yes he is freaking out because I have been moving on for quite a while now. Every day I am getting stronger and more able to imagine life without him and his emotional and physical abuse.

This week I am sorting out a house and a job! just off to view the house this morning and hoping to hear about the job too by email. I would never be able to leave unless I took life into my own hands and got on with it. No regrets now, just "time for me"!!!

npg1 Mon 01-Sep-08 09:30:43

Thanks everyone for being so caring and helpful. I was in a state last night. Finaly went to bed at 4am and just got up. Sometimes i wonder how he can leave me in such a state, obviously I know he has to go to work. I actually feel ok this morning, I keep debating texting him and asking if we can talk later or sending him an email but to be honest at the moment I feel empty, like I have nothing to say. I am worried now because I told him I feel like taking my own life, I know I wouldnt because of my girls but I wanted it to be a wake up call for him. He also said the way im being he might quit the course but I really dont think he will quit.

He used to really emotional abuse me, shout so I could never talk to him and i used to talk to a couple of friends alot and then he found out and went mad, I couldn't talk to him though so that is what i had to do. He brought this up last night and says he cant trust me because he thinks im talking to friends again. It's hard though when he doesn't ring and I have no one to talk to. Im too scared to leave as worried i wont have any money.

I have no self confidence, think I am awful and fat, although really I an attractive. I do do things to focus on myself, the gym and stables. Im worried about going back to work, he doesn't want me to work and not sure how it would fit in with 2 children.

As I have got older i think i have changed and I will challenge alot more things now with him. Do I let him stay away for 3 weeks? Maybe it will give us all some time out.

I hope I have answered most of the questions! Obviously this is all one sided and i could be the one completely in the wrong here.

Please keep talking to me.

npg1 Mon 01-Sep-08 09:32:57

This is also a question concerning me, would he ever leave me?

TimeForMe Mon 01-Sep-08 09:44:26

NPG1 I feel for you, I really do. I have been exactly where you are now but, believe me, victim status does us no good whatsoever. It just hands your husband licence to control you.

I know this is difficult for you, I really do but, you have to gain some strength, some self esteem and control over your own life. I wouldn't reccommend texting him. I would leave him be for now. I can't urge you enough to withdraw from him for a while, take some time out to focus on yourself and get yourself strong!

Your life is valuable! You have tow precious children so we want to hear no more talk about suicide, ok? smile You really do need to read the book 'living with the passive aggressive man' you will realise that it is not you, that you are not going back and that actually, your H is prjecting his own insecurities onto you. The fact he does not want you to work or have friends, that screams insecurity. He fears abandonment too, just like you. By treating you this way he keeps you hooked, your tears, your begging, text messages all reassure him that you won't leave him. By being cruel he gets what he wants. All at your expense.

TimeForMe Mon 01-Sep-08 09:46:06

IWTBF Well Done! I am proud of you smile If you can't make it work then the best thing to do is walk away. So well done for being strong enough to do that. Good luck with the house and the job xx

TimeForMe Mon 01-Sep-08 09:49:02

Gsh typo error in my first post!! Awful typo error. We DON't want to hear any more talk of doing away with yourself!! So sorry for that.

We crossed posts npg1. You fear abandonment just as much as he does, thats why you panic when you think you have upset him and you want to make everything alright. This isn't healthy nor is it good for your health.

Iwanttobreakfree Mon 01-Sep-08 10:52:05

npg1 - I too have had those self destructive thoughts. But lets face it, you are not really going to top yourself are you? You have two beautiful kids to think of.

But you are depressed and need to talk to someone professionally. Its not a biggie. They will not call social services. Any idiot can see you are not a risk to your kids or yourself.

Also if you do eventually leave, don't worry about him saying you are unstable etc and said you wanted to die. I told a Dr this and she could see I was just depressed and didn't really mean it.

You are self destructing though and need to gain control of your life. You can do this. You don't need to be a slave to him. Change your behaviour, and either he will change his, or if he doesn't then you leave. Simple as!

I know from bitter personal experience it is not as simple as, but keep reading, keep talking, you need a friend and we can do that for you on here. You sound very alone. You need to take support where you can, if this forum is the only place then please please keep on posting.

XXX thinking of you.

npg1 Mon 01-Sep-08 10:56:37

Thank you. I have to go out in a bit for the afternoon but will you all be here for me to chat to tonight?

leothelioness Tue 02-Sep-08 04:37:06

I have just reread you op and you posts after that. I am sorry I missed the part reading it first time round that "he used to be really bad" I thought you were just going through a particularly rough patch. Having a go at each other sometimes is nothing big but by reading you othere posts I agree with the other poster that he is controlling you not just being unappreciative and undervaluing you. I would used this time with him away to focus on you and you DD's and really think about where you want to be in a few years time and most of all be kind to yourself.
Another thing that bothers me is that he stopped you from having friends that is just not right he is isolating you why on earth would he not trust you because you taklk to tfriends as well as him, everyone needs friends.

leothelioness Tue 02-Sep-08 04:37:06

I have just reread you op and you posts after that. I am sorry I missed the part reading it first time round that "he used to be really bad" I thought you were just going through a particularly rough patch. Having a go at each other sometimes is nothing big but by reading you othere posts I agree with the other poster that he is controlling you not just being unappreciative and undervaluing you. I would used this time with him away to focus on you and you DD's and really think about where you want to be in a few years time and most of all be kind to yourself.
Another thing that bothers me is that he stopped you from having friends that is just not right he is isolating you why on earth would he not trust you because you taklk to tfriends as well as him, everyone needs friends.

taxiservice Tue 02-Sep-08 14:19:03

I think many men find work easier than relationships because they can control what they do. It sounds as though work suits him far better than being at home.

Try to imagine what life would be like if he was at home more - it may well be an impossible situation for him, and potentially worse for you.

It seems as though he has got exactly what he wants from you - a family that doesn't get in the way of his life too much.

Remember you were very young when you started out. Consider whether this man is making you grow and develop as a young person, or stifling you and making your life worse. You were 17 and very vulnerable when your relationship began.

PortAndLemon Tue 02-Sep-08 14:25:27

"He cant trust me because he thinks im talking to friends again"

Can you explain more about that? Does he not want you talking to friends at all, or does he just not want you to discuss your relationship with other people?

npg1 Tue 02-Sep-08 20:26:53

Well I phoned him last night for a quick chat. I am trying to think more positively about 'my' life and my children, we had a nice day today!

The thing about my friends is I used to talk to a couple of friends about my relationship and then told him so every time we row this is brought up and the fact that he cant trust me because he thinks im talking to other people about us. I very rarely talk to other people now.

And now i worry that he will somehow find this post on here!

PortAndLemon Tue 02-Sep-08 21:26:17

If he doesn't want you to talk to anyone else about the relationship then he shouldn't go round threatening to sod off and leave you on your own for three weeks after an argument.


Buy him a box set of Sex And The City or something and point out that women talk about relationships; it's not some freaky thing you do deliberately to annoy him.

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