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If you work PT and DH/DP full time- what is a "reasonable" split of chores/admin??

(20 Posts)
herbgarden Sun 31-Aug-08 20:53:37

I work 2/3 days a week. It varies week to week. On my "days off" I look after ds who is just 2 and am pg with no 2. On those days off I get up with him most mornings- DH leaves no later than 7.30am but sometimes earlier and in my days in work I drop him at nursery for 8am.

During the day, I do the supermarket shop, washing, bed changing, clearing up and all other boring domestic admin plus eg buying of birthday presents, making appointments for day to day stuff basically everything else - I'm sure you all know the routine !. I do have a cleaner 3 hours per week who comes when I'm at work but with a toddler in tow I do supplement the cleaning when I'm at home. DS and I do a few things together just me and him like seeing friends for an afternoon or a visit to the park or my mum but these are to keep us all sane rather than me getting a huge amount of pleasure from them. I also cook dinner every night for when Dh gets in by 7.30ish having put DS to bed and bathed him by 7.

At weekends, I give DH a lie in on Saturdays and he gives me a lie in on Sundays. He'll sometimes take ds for an hour or so for an afternoon or swimming or whatever and the rest of the time is family time.

Recently though, we've been trying to move house in the early days of my pgnancy (feeling crap) and I've been doing everything - co-ordinating everyone doing mortgage applics (whilst at work or at home with a demanding toddler which has been difficult). I also have started to feel resentful about his inability to do anything other than work. I've asked him to do something like book the car in and it'll take him a week. He wouldn't perhaps look for a holiday online for us but would be able to book a weekends golf away at the click of a finger....

I just wonder whether I have high expectations of what he "should" do - I used to have a well paid career and now know that working part time is good for us as a family, I can't help wonder whether in other families where there is a ft and a pt worker whether the pt one feels they do "more" sometimes than they "should". I'm still the one "on call" 24/7 for ds (dh rarely gets up even if I'm off to work the next day too) - never thinks about what we might eat at the weekends for lunch or thinks about ds's lunch or whatever....

I think you get the picture - we are arguing a lot more and I wonder whether it is partly due to me being a bit worried about baby no 2 coming and me feeling even more put upon when they do - it's not that I can't cope even - I think I'm quite organised and our day to day life runs ok but I just feel a bit put upon sometimes and I suppose maybe a bit taken for granted .......

Sorry for whingeing....tell me to pull myself together if you feel the need !

herbgarden Sun 31-Aug-08 21:30:32

bump

giddykipper Sun 31-Aug-08 21:37:01

Your roles sound remarkably similar to ours. I work 4 days and much shorter hours than DP. I do sometimes feel a bit resentful that I seem to be doing a lot more than DP but then I look from the angle that I'll work when he's working, so I'll cook evening meal, get DS ready for bed etc before he gets home. Then once he's home we both kick back. I know there are women on here who disagree with this approach though and think that irrespective of the hours you work 'chores' should be split 50:50.

I think my outlook might change though if there were more than one DC.

Hulababy Sun 31-Aug-08 21:37:58

I work 2 days a week, DH FT. I am busy n my days off with other stuff as well though (one day look after godson, another day in school) so only have one day to myself.

DD is at school Mon-Fri. DH does 2 drop offs, I do the rest and the pick ups, although I collect from after school club r a friends on my two work days.

I do pretty much all the cooking so that it can be ready for when Dh gets home at 6:30pm, so we can eat together as a family. DH then tidies away and sorts dishwasher. I do the online shop,a nd plan the meals.

DH does all the ironing for the house and puts all clean clothes away. We both put washing on to wash/dry, that is probably equal.

DH does help round house tidying up, he cleans cars, cuts lawn, puts rubbish out, deals with bills, etc. I do most of the day to day stuff, and almost all of the deeper cleaning type chores. But thatis simply that I am around at home far more than DH is.

With regards DD, at weekends we tend to spend most of time as a family, rather than sperately with DD. DH does lots with DD, and he also does a lot of the bedtmes, probably more than me.

Ours seems to work quite well fr us. Seems quite traditional in job division, but in truth it is just what works best considering when each of us is about int he house.

pinkbubble Sun 31-Aug-08 21:38:55

I work 20 hrs a week - term time only, DH works full time (occasionally he works away for a week at a time)! But our routine carries on through out the yr.

We have 3 DDs - 14yrs, 11yrs and 8.6yrs.

I do most of the cooking.
DH does majority of the washing.
I do majority of the ironing.
DH sorts/pays all the bills.
I make the majority of packed lunches.
Between us we do the hoovering.
I do the majority of actual cleaning.
DH does the food shopping.
Between us we do the recycling/rubbish.
I organise DDs social life/babysitting.

DH tends to get up alot earlier than me, even on a weekend although I am normally up around 8:30. Plus our DDs are that much older!
We do the decorating between us.

Hope that helps.

pinkbubble Sun 31-Aug-08 21:39:43

Oh and I do the gardening, DH absolutely loathes that!

giddykipper Sun 31-Aug-08 21:40:16

The only chore that DP does exclusively is the ironing - it's all his shirts and I refuse to do them! We have a cleaner too so that takes care of a lot of stuff.

Dropdeadfred Sun 31-Aug-08 21:44:58

I think (as I belive Morningpapaer said recently) that it's not so much evening the work and chores out as how much relaxing with bum on sofa time....

Once he is home - EVERYTHING should be a 50/50 split. By which I mean the care of your son and the runing of the home...how you divide the chores is up to you but you should both have the same righ to relaxation time

giddykipper Sun 31-Aug-08 21:46:10

Completely agree dropdeadfred.

mymittens Mon 01-Sep-08 07:53:31

Mesahm)
cooking
planning meals
shopping
cleaning
household admin/arranging babysitters/etc
washing (both)

Him (at work approx 7.30am - 6pm mon-fri)
Ironing
gardening
sorting rubbish/recycling
washing (both)
put ds to bed

seeker Mon 01-Sep-08 08:20:55

I think that the person who is home more should do the lion's share of the household stuff. But looking after children should be a 50/50 split when both parents are home. I don't think it's fair that a parent who works outside the home should be expected to do as much housework as a parent who doesn't - there is always "bum on sofa"or "bum on park bench" opportunities when you're at home with children that there aren't when you're out to work.

herbgarden Mon 01-Sep-08 08:44:41

Seeker - you are right - although as ds gets older and is not a "potterer" but a mad running around thing, my "bum on sofa" time ( I like that expression) is more and more limited. I am mean in that for example he does cut the lawn and he is responsible for the bins.

I suppose it's the little things that I'd quite like him to remember sometimes but as life goes on I don't know why I expect him to when he hasn't ever really done that. I do for eg make him write half the thank you letters for ds's gifts at birthday and xmas -most come from his side of the family from people i've never met before (I've been with dh for over 10 years) and I've asked mil to ask them not to send them but I've been ignored so he has to do the t'you's !....

Maybe I just feel a bit tired and don't love all the household drudge and sometimes wish that I could focus on just my work and have someone look after me 90% of the time (like dh)...I know he works really hard and doesn't always love that either and provides well for us financially.

God I sound like a right mean moaning old cow now.

rubyloopy Mon 01-Sep-08 08:49:29

Message withdrawn

bellavita Mon 01-Sep-08 09:00:55

DH works full time and I work around 18 hours a week (although 15 of those hours are 3 evening shifts 7 till midnight)

I do all the cooking of the main meals (on a weekend he will happily get the ds's breakfast/lunch if they say they are hungry)

I do all the housework (if we have guests coming to lunch on a weekend he would happily do a quick hoover and polish for me)

I make sure all the bills are paid

I do the sandwiches for the next day on the evenings I am here

I food shop online, but if he is here when it arrives he will gladly put it away

I do all the washing and ironing

I sort out the holidays

DH does the gardening, all the recycling, reading of meters and switching of gas/electricity, sorting the pc out if it goes wrong, unloading/reloading dishwasher and clearing up after I have cooked a meal

snickersnack Mon 01-Sep-08 09:29:26

This seems to be a common problem - I work 4 days, dh 5 but I also work in the evenings and at weekends, and he doesn't. He will do chores but only when nagged reminded, which drives me crazy - he never complains about doing it but I get so bored of saying "the recycling needs doing, please can you take out the rubbish". He's great with the dcs, but in terms of who does what, I do washing, cooking, shopping, ALL the administration of the dcs (social lives, presents, clothes, nursery, school, doctors, etc). We have a cleaner, which helps, otherwise I'd be at my wits end.

It is the "bum on sofa" point that gets me. It's definitely not 50/50. He is very much of the "lounge on the sofa reading the paper while the children run round" school of parenting, which means that even if I am having a lie in or out for a couple of hours, when I get back there's all sorts of chaos.

sayithowitis Mon 01-Sep-08 10:37:43

Before children we both worked full time and shared household chores equally. When children were small I was at home with them and therefore did majority of housework. In the evenings, we shared any jobs relating to the children. And he always helped out with night feeds etc when they were babies. Now they are grown up ( ie almost adults) I work part time, 5 days a week, term time only. We are virtually back to sharing housework equally. He does most of the ironing, I do the washing.We share tidying and cleaning, thoughhe tends to be better at tidying and I am better at cleaning! He does gardening, I do decorating. He sorts out the bills and does the shopping. I do most of the cooking but he does take a share and will also do all packed lunches as well as often taking over the kitchen completely at the weekend, giving me a whole weekend off! During school holidays, when I am at home, I do more of the stuff he normally does and that way we both get extra bum on sofa time together! It may not suit everyone, but it suits us. I think that everybody finds their own solution that works for them and it is not really possible for anyone to tell you what is fair as only you know your own circumstances. I do think though, that as you are pregnant, it would not be unreasonable to expect a bit more help from him as you will be more tired.

herbgarden Mon 01-Sep-08 10:40:57

Ooh, snickersnack my dh does that too - I got really mad the other saturday when the Olympics were on and he lounged around all day with the telly on either actively watching or in the background and ds was sometimes just sitting there too. I am not a complete TV Nazi but I think it's a really bad example for ds to see dh slobbing around ALL DAY making no effort to do anything with him (or anything for that matte) at all. I think it was raining, but take him swimming or something. I'm not up for entertaining ds for 12 hours but he is only 2 so does require some parental input. DH then complains when I eventually flipped my flippin' lid "but I've been looking after ds"....mmmmm. When I get my lie in on a Sunday I come down to find the place in a tip and the two of them watching match of the day all still in pj's. On his lie in I've got up cleared up kitchen, put a load of washing on, got ds up and ready to go when he's up blah blah....life just doesn't change. No doubt baby no2 will be a boy aswell and I'll have 3 men to then take advantage of me. I used to go on "strike" when it was just me and dh and we were working full time and he'd occasionally go "god this place is a tip" hmm - "really, oh the clearing up fairy hasn't been has she ?!"

Dropdeadfred Mon 01-Sep-08 10:56:30

Seeker - for alot of my time working in an office environment I had alot of bum on seat time, coffee drinking, office joking, chatting, internet surfing etc

I know my DH has the same time as well as lots of stressful times...just like me at home with dd3....

Its swings and roundabouts..and anyone who loves and respects someone will do what hey can to make sure their other half is happy and relaxed in the evenings too, not running around like a skivvy.

herbgarden Mon 01-Sep-08 13:27:06

I wish my dh would "make sure [I'm] happy and relaxed in the evenings" instead of walking in and the first thing he says is "when's dinner ready??!!!

I do think though that DH doesn't really stop all day at work. I asked him whether he took at least a small break to eat his sandwich and he said that "no" he took it back to his desk and carried on working - It's so unhealthy. Does he think the world will fall apart if he stops for even 20 mins to read the paper on line or just go outside and get some air ?!

Dropdeadfred Mon 01-Sep-08 14:04:10

Herbgarden..but don't you have days where you don't physically stop? or at least feel like you don't?

If you were both working full time who would he expect to present his dinner with a flourish?

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