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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

A relationship between two 14 year olds.

221 replies

SparetheDetails · 31/08/2008 19:05

Posted this in teenagers but it sort of fits here too.

DS1 has been seeing the same girl since he was 12, he's now 14 and they are as inseperable now as they were at the beginning. They're together all the time. She spends ALOT of time here, her parents don't seem to give a toss what she does.

Anyway we were recently talking about booking our next holiday, Florida in a villa and DS suddenly said "oh, please mum...can we take (we'll call her Katie)"?

I said "don't be daft, I can't afford to pay for another one for a start and her parents are hardly going to let her jet off to America with people they don't know!" so he said "no, I mean if they pay, they'll let her, I know they will, please can I ask?" I honestly didn't think they'd agree so I said "ok, ask but don't hold your breath".

So he asked and they said yes he was so excited he actually started crying and she cried (they couldn't be more 'emo' if they tried!) and I just didn't have the heart to say no. They're both very good kids, quiet, hard working, never in trouble...is it really such a bad idea?

Only trouble is, the villa is only 3 bedroomed. Meaning they'd have to share a room. He parents when I spoke to them actually said they don't mind this as they're sensible in other words I think they were saying "as long as she doesn't come back pregnant we don't really care".

DH has suggested that we should let them share a room as they have earnt our trust so far but they're 14! they do act older but...please someone, someone inpartial talk some sense about this whole thing. I'm so confused about what to do for the best.

OP posts:

Report

unknownrebelbang · 31/08/2008 19:07

Who will be in the other bedroom?

WideWebWitch · 31/08/2008 19:07

Can she share with another one of your children?

nervousal · 31/08/2008 19:07

I would be happy for her to come along - but wouldn't let them share a room. If its 3 bedroomed how come they would have to share?

unknownrebelbang · 31/08/2008 19:08

I have a 14 year old lad, and there is no way he would be sharing a bedroom with a girlfriend.

hatwoman · 31/08/2008 19:09

or give her her own room and have the siblings share?

VanillaPumpkin · 31/08/2008 19:11

Do not let them share a room!
Too young even though they are committed and sensible etc.
They would take that as permission to sleep with each other for sure. I don't think this should be encouraged at 14, so at least try to make it a bit tricky for them....imo.
Not emotionally ready if they cried because they could go on hols together. And it seems you are doing the parenting for her parents too so rightly or wrongly you need to protect them both.
Separate rooms.

Anna8888 · 31/08/2008 19:11

I think that it's fine for them to share a room - I mean, if they are 14 and have been together for 2 years and are as in love as you describe, they are either:

(a) going to want to have sex (if they aren't already) and going to have sex regardless of whether you let them share a room on holiday or not

(b) not wanting to have sex

And either way nothing you do or say will influence them.

If I were you I would get back to the girl's parents and say that you are fine about her going along with you on holiday but only if she is on the pill.

SparetheDetails · 31/08/2008 19:13

Its complicated, DS2 would be sharing other room with BIL. Originally 2 DSs would share and BIL would have other room but I can't put her in with BIL or DS2...

OP posts:

nervousal · 31/08/2008 19:13

I wouldn't assume that 2 14 year olds would necessarily be thinking about having sex - but wouldn't want to encourage it. Am I really that out of touch???

And - if htey are going to have sex - why should she go on the pill? Shouldn't they both take responsibility?

Anna8888 · 31/08/2008 19:14

nervousal - she should go on the pill because teenage sex is crap enough without worrying about the logistics of condoms. If they are going to have sex, at least let it be worthwhile

SparetheDetails · 31/08/2008 19:15

Anna8888, DH said exactly the same thing which made me think I was being a bit prude. They have been together alone in the house before and at her house alone so DH is certain they either would have done it by now or don't intend to.

BTW, room has seperate beds. Its not a double bed.

OP posts:

lunavix · 31/08/2008 19:15

2 ds's in room 2, girl in room 3, bil on sofa?

or ds1 on sofa?

RTKangaMummy · 31/08/2008 19:16

each night take the matress off the single bed in 3rd room and put on florr in room with BIL and DS2

then put back again so the cleaning staff don't wonder why?

Or if self catering just leave it on floor

SparetheDetails · 31/08/2008 19:16

OH and DH has already given DS condoms incase he was too embarrassed to get them himself.

God this is starting to sound terrible I'm just trying to do the right thing. I just don't know what that is.

OP posts:

Hulababy · 31/08/2008 19:17

Ah, seen BIL there too.

Wouldn't be happy with sharing at 14y TBH. I wouldn't want to be seen to be encouraging a closer relationship.

Mattress on floor for DS1 in the boys room?

unknownrebelbang · 31/08/2008 19:17

At 14, if they're having sex, they should be responsible enough to work out how to use condoms. The pill is not enough on its own.

I would not have my son sharing a bedroom with his girlfriend at the age of 14.

If that makes me a prude, so be it.

WideWebWitch · 31/08/2008 19:17

Anna888 has a point actually. What would her parents say if you told them you only had 2 rooms?

Anna8888 · 31/08/2008 19:17

Your DH sounds very pragmatic to me

AttilaTheMeerkat · 31/08/2008 19:18

Think your son is jumping the gun a bit; they may be together now but who knows by say this time next year. People change.

Have you ever had any face to face conversations with this girl's parents with these young people also present?.

There are three bedrooms in this property - who will be in the other two?.

Legally speaking the age of consent for both parties is 16. He is breaking the law if they have intercourse even if she has given consent.
I don't honestly think either are emotionally mature enough to share a room.

You will likely also need to have Katie's parents written permission in order for her to holiday with you in the US. US Immigration officials are strict on this matter.

nervousal · 31/08/2008 19:19

teenage sex is crap enough without worrying about the logistics of condoms. If they are going to have sex, at least let it be worthwhile - Assume this is a piss take?

Not very worthwile if either of them ends up with an STD? If you're going to encourage your kids to have sex at least encourage them to have responsible sex.

WingsofaAngel · 31/08/2008 19:19

Why not have a word with her parents and see what their view on them sharing a room is ?
(did they know they might have to share a room before they agreed to her going)

I agree that if they want to have sex then they aren't going to wait for you to give them a room before they do it.

Have you talked to your son about your concerns ?

Hulababy · 31/08/2008 19:21

OP seems to have alreasy asked other parents:

"He parents when I spoke to them actually said they don't mind this as they're sensible in other words I think they were saying "as long as she doesn't come back pregnant we don't really care". "

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nervousal · 31/08/2008 19:21

And - think of the pressure you're putting them both under if one of them doesn't want to have sex??

morningpaper · 31/08/2008 19:21

While I accept that most 14 yos in this situation will be having sex (although pumping the teenage girls full of hormones is a bit of a depressing default position) I wouldn't want to be seen to be ALLOWING them to have sex by sharing a room. It might be dodgy legally and also it's the sort of thing that the tabloids would slam you for...

Anna8888 · 31/08/2008 19:21

They are unlikely to end up with an STD if they are both virgins (which seems more than probable).

I am not one for encouraging sex among the young when the feeling thought hasn't even entered their groin mind, but once it has, parents, in their wisdom, can do their utmost, discreetly, to ensure their children get the most out of it.

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