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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Having my breast reduction in a few days - h got angry with me

93 replies

mymittens · 31/08/2008 11:02

Last night i was getting stresses about arrnagements for my op and i admit i was being very difficult. H tried to make up a couple of time and then went of to the spare room to bed. He knows i have sleepless nights when things aren't resoved that evenign so i went in to the room after 30 mins or so and got upset about him going - and a huge row started. don't even know if i can have mu op now as he'll be looking after me

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mymittens · 31/08/2008 11:21

earlier on i told i was sorry for being difficult last night and he apologise for getting angry but things are still very frosty. we've been having problems anyway and this happening a few days before my operation feels like the final nail in the coffin. i just don't know what to do

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ThatBigGermanPrison · 31/08/2008 11:23

The time before operations is scary. I still remember my mother on the morning of her hysterectomy, being absolutely foul to me, and I was only 10. My dad explained that she was frightened, and afterwards she had calmed down fine.

You are both frightened and therefore, marriage being what it is, will shred each other. Tell him how scared you are, make it clear how much stress you are under.

QuintessentialShadow · 31/08/2008 11:27

mymittens, you have been stressing about this op, for all sorts of reason for months now. Threatening not to have it, etc, both you and him must be knackered by now, no wonder things are frosty. Do the op, recover, and let life go back to normal. YOU know why you need the op, you know why it is affecting you, you KNOW what you want from this, so focus now my girl, DO the op, LET him care for you, and give eachother a break. ok?

mymittens · 31/08/2008 11:32

thanks qs. I just went downstairs and sat next to him on the settee and asked him if he was scared about things. he just coldly said he was worried about all the stuff he had to do and then went back to staring at the tv. i asked him to stop watching it so we coud talk and that if he was going to continue to be like this i'd just keep away from him and try to manage on my own as much as poss

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QuintessentialShadow · 31/08/2008 11:35

It is good to "try and be strong", but at the same time, you and him knows that you will need help. Just reassure him you love him, you need him, and tell him you will stop being so stressed out when you have recovered from the op. You will be fine. Dont pull away from him. Ok? He will need a hug too. Men sometimes DO get cold when the emotions are flying high all over the place.

lulumama · 31/08/2008 11:35

i am sure you posted a similar scenario a few weeks ago, you need to not sulk and not make this op into the sole focus of your life.

you have this unhealthy pattern on rowing, sulking and withdrawing from each other

you need to take steps to break this pattern which means when H tries to make up, you accpet !

mymittens · 31/08/2008 11:41

Thanks. I'm going to go and try again....

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Blu · 31/08/2008 11:42

MM - if there is an echo in the room it's me, saying exactly what Quint and Lulu are saying.

He tried to make up last night...accept when he does it..not later when you then want to make up.

Just get on with what needs to be done - the only way for this to b over is to get through it. I am sure he WILL give you the help you need.

You have MN to hand - discuss your inner fears and wobblies on MN and let DH look after you in the way that he best feels he can.

And good luck.

Look - you will be fine, honestly. They will look after you fantastically in hospital, and you will be surprised at how quickly you recover. And you will know that you have done the right thing for you.

This isn't about DH's behaviou, it is about your doubts, worries and fears.

mymittens · 31/08/2008 11:45

I went o tak him if he wanted me to make him a drink, he just said and didn't even look at me. I don't know what else to do know

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Blu · 31/08/2008 11:46

MM - no, leave him alone!

Just be appreciative of what he does do, be nice, and acknowledge any practical help he gives...he will take any further 'please lets talk, I'm sorry, please make up and be nice to me' as a further demand. Which it is! At most say 'you're right, I'm being daft...what shall we have for lunch?" and leave it at that...even if he is non-commital in his response.

mymittens · 31/08/2008 11:47

Woops. I went to talk to him and asked if he wanted a drink. he just said no without even looking at me> i don't know what to do know. poor ds keeps saying "mummy sad" - he has been on and off for weeks

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QuintessentialShadow · 31/08/2008 11:49

He is just doing now what you did to him last night when HE wanted to make up. He wants to show you how this sort of behaviour feels like. Just tell him you now realize how silly you were last night when he tried to make up, and from now on you both should stop this game play of making up and refusing to make up.

lulumama · 31/08/2008 11:49

i don;t blame him, you have not accepted his apology last night.. you want it all on your terms.. did you not post virtually the same scenario a few weeks ago? and got lots of good advice..

you have to break this cycle

mymittens · 31/08/2008 12:05

just tried again but i messed it up by telling him how hurt i was at him getting so angry last night and shouting at me. he agreed on friday that in the days leading up to my op, even if he was angry he wouldn't show so i didn't get more upset. I wish he wouldn't agree to things he can't/won't do

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mymittens · 31/08/2008 12:14

He's just come in and said he's making lunch for us

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lulumama · 31/08/2008 12:16

i hope you said thank you and that this will be the end of it !

QuintessentialShadow · 31/08/2008 12:58

You have a dh that has the patient like a saint mymittens. Hold on to that one. and good luck on the op

mymittens · 31/08/2008 13:02

I'm sorry to say that i sat there virtually unable to eat and told him how worried i was that he's be shouting at me again when i m in pain after the op, if i annoyed him so now things are worse again. He was shouting at me and saying horibale things about a week after i gave birth and when i've had other medical treatment.

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QuintessentialShadow · 31/08/2008 13:23

Is he generally a very shouty person?

If you had an argument, and you make up, that normally is the end of it. You dont make up just to be able to keep arguing? If you have genuinely made up, why keep arguing?

You seem to be in a vicious circle. Do you feel that you have to make up just so that you get to voice your concerns to him again?

Would going to some counciling help you communicate without arguing, and shouting, making up and giving eachother the silent treatment? It seems like the pair of you needs to learn to communicate on an adult level without emotional blackmails, tantrums and humps.

QuintessentialShadow · 31/08/2008 13:24

Would you be offended if I ask how old you and your dh is mymittens? You both seem very young to me, and please dont take me the wrong way.

Blu · 31/08/2008 13:52

WEll, I can see that you would fel apprehensive and upset if he often shout when you are feeling v vulnerable.

Unless he does this because he is , fundementally cruel and bullying and controlling (in which case you need to stop trying to make him be kind to you and get the hell out) or it has become a self-fuelling circle betwen the two of you, with him unable to manage his outbursts, and you unable to make boundaries around your neediness.

It really does sound as if you would benefit from assertiveness training of some kind, him anger management, and both of you counselling together to work on your communication!

That sounds a lot - don't panic - I'm hardly talking from a perspective where versions of these things don't go on, (ooooh, no!) but once you recognise what is happening it is much easier to feel less a victim of it all.

You could get a lot of help by yourself from attending a course of Relate sessions.

mymittens · 31/08/2008 14:15

I'm 37. We've been to counselling in the past, together and separately and it doesn't work for us. We both know what we need to do. Things are even worse now as he said he was going to take ds out (we had planned earlier in the week to take him swimming later today) I asked him if he's be back in time ot go swimming and he said he didn't want to go anymore as he was too tired. I siad we weren't going for us, we were going ofr ds. he then blew up again and said he wasn't going to take ds out at all.I asked hom to move the car seat into my car so i could go out ( ican't lift it) and he refused. He then decided he would take ds out and thye're out now. ds heard all this and was clearly upset.

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FluffyMummy123 · 31/08/2008 14:19

Message withdrawn

mymittens · 31/08/2008 14:21

sorry what do you mean?

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FluffyMummy123 · 31/08/2008 14:21

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