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Why am I horrible to him? Long post - sorry.

(30 Posts)
pamelat Sat 30-Aug-08 12:26:39

Have been with DH for 8 years, married 18 months. 8 month old DD.

DH was a good friend of mine before we got together and we got on fantastically. We were always laughing and compatible. At the time I lived with my boyfriend of 6 years (am only 3- now so am a bit of a serial long relationship kind of girl!!)

Anyway, ex boyf was an idiot. He even went to prison a few times for violence, not towards me but he was an agressive volatile person.

DH is amazing. He is the opposite of previous boyf. He is stable, non confrontational, sensible etc etc. His only "fault" and we all have them (!, me too many!) is that he can be quite judgemental, but I dont think that he really even means it.

Anyway, am not sure that ex boyf is even relevant as it was so long ago wink

In RL everyone thinks that I am lovely, I am often told that I am "too nice" and that I need to have a higher opinion of myself etc etc. Everyone, except those that are close to me sad and to them I am not always very nice. It makes me sad as I want to be nice and its like I can't? Its almost like having an anger that I can not control. (Am never violent, its just that I say nasty things or think them).

Today, as a silly example. I am on maternity leave and look after DD in the week. DH is brilliant and usually gets up early with her (most days at 6am) and I get to lie in bed until 730am. He is a great dad. Most nights he does bath and bed time milk and the dream feed.

I love my DD with all my world, but have found motherhood a big shock. I think that I am naturally quite selfish and miss things like going to the gym, reading in bed and generally pottering. DD is almost 8 months but has always been high maintenance, bless her (she is like me!)

My DH has always played sport on a Saturday from Sep - April. I used to enjoy my time away shopping, meeting my mum/friends etc. This year, however, I have DD.

Today is the first day of his season. Its only a friendly game, he didnt tell me until last weekend. DD has been hard work for the last 3 days as she is teething and struggling with it (as am I!). DH will only be gone for 3 hours (which is nothing considering that he has been up since 6am with her, whilst I slept until 830am!)

I just dont know why I resent him going and why I am so horrible about it. I woke up, promising myself that I wouldnt make an issue of it but ended up being picky, mentioning all the things that I would have to do (again) by myself, going on about how he had ruined my Saturday and how life was ok for him. He retorted (quite rightly) that sport is what he has always done and that I knew that when I married him and I nastily said that I wished I hadnt bothered.

I know he will now be upset and not enjoy his afternoon out and that seriously was NOT be intention. Its like I just cant control the resentment?

Also, I think that having had DD most of our conversation has become a competition of who has done most with their day and I will often accuse him of having it easy by "just" going to work. Quite rightly, he tells me to go back to work then (not due back until Jan) but I would miss DD, its just that I find being with her all the time so exhausting.

I think that maybe I am secretly a horrid person? I wonder whether I really even know myself???? I cried when he left but DD got upset so I pulled myself together.

Is anyone else like me, or does anyone know what is wrong with me?

Alambil Sat 30-Aug-08 12:29:23

Can you go out with DD in a sling/buggy/pram and still shop?

pamelat Sat 30-Aug-08 12:39:14

Yep its all do able. Just wondered why I am make such a big thing about it.

She will shop for an hour or two but then she gets sick of the buggy and is too big for the sling. I often take her shopping in the week and just carry her for part of it (19lbs of her!). Its good exercise.

I used to spend my Saturday mornings at the gym and then either shopping or reading my books in the afternoon (I study with OU too).

Just resent that DH's life can continue as was and that I am the one who has had to make all of the sacrifices. But then I feel bad for even thinking of DD in that way.

I want to do family things together now that we have DD but DH still has his Saturdays planned.

I wonder whether I expected him to give them up, we never had that conversation though and they are a big part of his life. I think he would be unhappy to give them up and I wouldnt "make" him. Its just that I cant be nice, or even normal, about him going.

Overmydeadbody Sat 30-Aug-08 12:39:36

I guess one good thing about all of this is that at least you are aware of how horrible you are being.

It seems like you are taking your own frustrations out on your DS.

Poor guy. Count yourself lucky, you could be a single mum and never ever even have the prospect of a lie-in.

Life is hard. Get used to it. Stop acting like the poor hard-done-by victim and put some effort (REAL affort) into treating your DH with a little more respect and not being so selfish.

Overmydeadbody Sat 30-Aug-08 12:41:46

But the thing is, pamelat, you are not the one making all the sacrifices, you need to stop thinking like that. Your DH is getting up at 6am every morning, if that is not sacrifice I don't know what is. Sounds like he has adapted and adjusted his life to fit in his parental responsibilities, and deserves some time to do what he likes (football) just as much as you deserve your lie-ins.

Overmydeadbody Sat 30-Aug-08 12:44:23

and if you really want to find time for reading, going to the gym etc. you can find a way. Yes it is hard, but as soon as you accept that it is hard it instantly becomes less hard iuswim.

Lots of gyms have creches, take a book everywhere with you and grap 5 or 10 minutes here or there to read.

pamelat Sat 30-Aug-08 12:45:12

It doesn't help that in my circle of friends (4 of us) we are all quite similar.

1 of the husbands has given up his Sat afternoons and his wife spends the time at the gym and having a nice lunch, as her "treat" for looking after the kids all week. Another one has her kids in nursey on a Friday so that she gets "me" time and he gets Saturdays.

I dont WANT that, I just want us to be a family with "our" time. I feel that now I only get Sundays and thats when we visit my parents or the in laws, when are we ever just a 3?

I wonder why I am frustrated though? I want to know what the underlying cause is?

I need new views (however nasty they may seem to me) as my friends are lovely but "same-y"

Alambil Sat 30-Aug-08 12:48:00

But it's only 3 hours in a whole week; AND he still does the mornings/bedtimes/dream feeds - that's actually quite a lot for a working dad to do IMO.

I'm sure I've seen people carrying toddlers around in slings so perhaps you need a different type? Does DD have toys etc in her buggy to keep her occupied?

Does she nap still? - go out just before this time and she'll nod off in the buggy

You could still go to the gym; do they have a creche or get a babysitter/DH to have her another day or evening time? Read books whilst she plays/naps?

There are compromises here; you aren't sacraficing everything and your DH is doing his fair share IMO

berolina Sat 30-Aug-08 12:48:34

Bit harsh, OMDB (though not entirely unjustified).

Pamelat, competitive busy-ness/tiredness is EXTREMELY common in couples with young children, and so are relationship difficulties. Everything has suffered a shock, and it can very quickly lead to resentment with the person who (rightly or wrongly) sees herself as hsving made all the sacrifices while the other continues as normal.

To be fair to your dh, it doesn't sound like you have that sort of set-up - I take it the fact that he'll only be gone 3 hours means he is giving up some post-match socialising? nd your lie-ins are really worth their weight in gold. OTOH, of course you look forward to a bit of a break at weekends.

I wouldn't stop him doing his sport, and I would try to be more gracious about it. I would, however, find ways for your dh to give you a break at other times.

pamelat Sat 30-Aug-08 12:49:11

Overmydeadbody - yep I know all of that (at least on the surface I know that) but how do I change?

I was a much nicer person pregnant. I dont mean to look for excuses (when it could just be my fault) but I have been wondering if the pill is to blame. Since I have been back on it, things have been so much worse.

Sometimes its like although I know my life is nice, there is a black cloud that I cant see past. I know its not attractive to be feeling sorry for myself (and am not even sure that I really do). I just feel confused, resentful and unsure how to become the person that I was 6 years ago again???

Overmydeadbody Sat 30-Aug-08 12:49:27

the underlying cause is probably resentment at the fact that you have had to give up old lifestyle choices now that you are a mother.

Or resentment at the fact that the 'ideal' image of family life you held in your head before you got married and had a family does not match up to the reality of it?

I recommend you get yourself a copy of the book 'The Road Less Travelled' by M. Scott Peck. and start trying to be a bit more content with the life you've actually got.

Alambil Sat 30-Aug-08 12:50:26

I don't think there's much underlying cause other than the uproot a baby makes in a family!

It happens to us all; just takes some people longer to come round to the changes... nothing wrong in that per se

Can you do a monthly rota thing - one week at the ILs, one at your parents, two at home?

Janni Sat 30-Aug-08 12:50:57

It's fine to THINK rotten thoughts and FEEL resentful. You have a choice about whether to make them public or not. When I feel like you describe (very frequently, with three kids and no job), I get on here and whinge, I write furious missives which I then rip up, I try to do something nice for myself and I also say to DH that I will need some time for myself when he gets back.

I've been married a lot longer than you though and it's taken a long time to get to that stage!

If you allow your (lovely) DH to also have a social life beyond the home without him feeling he has to tread on eggshells around you, believe me he will worship you and want to do anything for you. Or you can make him feel henpecked and he will still be a good husband, but will resent you.

It's your choice.

pamelat Sat 30-Aug-08 12:51:20

Thank you. Today he will only be gone 3 hours because its a local friendly game with an hours drinks afterwards.

From there on in, it will vary from all day (9 - 5pm ish) to half a day for home games.

I dont want to stop him, I just want to be nice to him about it

berolina Sat 30-Aug-08 12:51:32

oh do cut back on the parents/IL visits. They will survive seeing you every other weekend or (if you alternate weekends between your and his parents) even once a month. You do need that time without any pressure or plans.

SpinMeRightRound Sat 30-Aug-08 12:51:53

I don't really have any answers for you as I find things very hard at the minute myself. But I know that they are my doing and not my dh's.

Overmydeadbody, thank you for what you just said. I know it was for the OP but its hit a nerve with me and I'm going to write it down in my notebook and read it every morning.

"Life is hard. Get used to it. Stop acting like the poor hard-done-by victim and put some effort (REAL affort) into treating your DH with a little more respect and not being so selfish."

Direct but honest, I think I need a bit of that.

Overmydeadbody Sat 30-Aug-08 12:55:02

the trick is, pamelat, not to try to become the person you where 6 years ago again, you are different now and will never get that back, instead you need to find a way of getting past the black cloud so it no longer effects your relationships. I know it is easier said than done and at least you are aware that you need to change.

I think, instead of looking for a reason why, you need to concentrate your efforts on changing your attitudes, expectations and automatic behaviour patterns from kicking in. It takes a hellofa lot of effort to fight against those automatic bahavioiur patterns (like you did by having a go at your dh for going to football despite the fat that you had treid not to) and it isnt easy, but I'm sure, if you are determined enough you can do it.

I recommend you reads the book I posted, I can't really summarise it well enough here, but it helped me change, and I used to react a bit like you with my ex.

pamelat Sat 30-Aug-08 12:56:24

Do you think I am looking too deeply (amateur psyhocology like) to think that maybe I treat him how ex boyf treated me?? Well, not as badly (I wasnt really allowed to do anything without him "incase some other bloke spoke to me")
Its so long ago though and DH is not like him.
I was never nasty to ex-boyf as would not have dared to be. I played the perfect little girlfriend role and even dressed how he wanted me to and dyed my hair blonde! I hate myself for having changed to suit him, and now I dont know who I am anymore?

Anyway, maybe its not anything like that. Maybe I am just finding being a mum hard. I will try to be nicer. When he isnt here its easy,I ring to say I love him, order surprises, write little notes etc and then once we are together I am fractious.

Jux Sat 30-Aug-08 12:57:06

First off, well done for realising and admitting that you not being entirely reasonable! OK, your dh is doing marvels and you know it. (Catch my dh doing more than rolling over in bed and going back to sleep for the first 2yrs of dd's life! He got up once in the night in that period, bathed her 4 times.)

You're angry and resentful about losing your old life and freedoms and taking it out on dh. I don't think you're the only person in the world who has felt like this or done this. Guilt-tripping yourself will only make things worse, so don't (are you? I'm can't tell); at the same time, don't make excuses for yourself either, as this will not solve your problem.

I suspect you are grieving for a part of your life which is now over and it is getting in the way of you enjoying this current phase of your life. Your dh is still doing 'normal' things, like going to work so his life seems to have been unchanged largely. However, it has changed - he didn't get up at 6.30 while you slept in, he didn't get up in the night and tend to a baby, while still having to go to work etc.

You need to talk to dh, and between you work out a way where you both get away for a while to do your own thing - he gets Saturday afternoons doing sport, you get Saturday mornings/lunch, with your mates - or something like that.

Remember though, that this part of parenthood is really hard; your baby is utterly reliant upon you and you are both feeling your way with no instruction manual (and no 'off' switch!). It will get better and easier as time goes by. Baby will become less dependent and you will both find your lives normalising. Talk talk talk in the meantime.

Alambil Sat 30-Aug-08 12:58:20

It could be partially that, it could be plain ol' jealousy - I don't know

Jux Sat 30-Aug-08 13:00:00

Ignore my post - it took so long to type it's completely out of date!

TotalChaos Sat 30-Aug-08 13:00:24

agree with jux and bero. restructure your weekends so you get more of what makes both you and DH content, not other people.

pamelat Sat 30-Aug-08 13:01:04

Thank you overmydeadbody, will order

The Road Less Travelled' by M. Scott Peck and see how I relate to it.

DH will probably think I am having an affair if I change too drastically!

I wonder how you learn to be nasty? Sometimes its like I look for the most hurtful thing to say to test him. I do think that he should stick up for himself more though too !

Overmydeadbody Sat 30-Aug-08 13:01:06

Spinme, I am glad I have helped you.

TBH the turning point in my life with regard to how I reacted to it came when someone siad to me "but Life is hard". As soon as it dawned on me that they where right everything became less of a struggle.

pamelat, ditch the in law visits, or at least cut them down, if you need more time as a family.

As janni said, you will reep the benefits of waving him off with a smile instead of giving him a hard time about it, so as hard as it may be at first, bite your tongue and you will soon see the benefits.

pamelat Sat 30-Aug-08 13:06:26

Have just placed a bid for that book on ebay, thank you everyone.

Will try in law and parents thing but cant see us making any headway as they constantly complain about how they dont see enough of DD. I did invite MIL over whilst DH out this afternoon but she's busy.

Thank you.

So I'm not crazy then????! Just need to try harder?

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