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Confused and feeling bad about my intentions but need opinions...

(22 Posts)
Kally Fri 29-Aug-08 18:14:05

Have posted on here before about my relationship with BF. We are in a LDR now for over a year. There have been some uncertainties due to the fact that I haven't been to his yet. (Some will remember about this post).

BF came to visit last weekend and it was lovely to see him. But I didn't hear from him for a few days after and when we eventually did speak it was a bit cold. When I asked 'gingerly' if all was ok between us (as I hadn't heard from him) he got quite shirty and asked if I was 'winding him up'. I didn't act submissive and put him in his place as to which he backed down and turned it into humour. We haven't ever actually rowed, as we don't see a lot of each other it seems futile to fill our meets with negatives. I, after all this time, still don't really know him very well. I feel this when I 'almost get near to a row' with him. We both don't go there as its too risky and I think we are both insecure about each other because of the distance and the fact that I don't know his life that much.

I care for him dearly, but I am dissatisfied with the pace this relationship if taking. He is very busy, has his life in his town (of which I know very little about). I don't know what I want it to become, but I know that I am not seeing/having/enjoying him as much as I would like. So we talked about him moving here. He seemed positive about that but I feel he is a bit unrealistic about it. The other thought is whether I could be responsible for bringing him away from his surroundings, his church, his family etc. (He is divorced and raising a child alone but child will go with his EW). All these things go round in my head. 'What if it doesn't work out, we hardly know each other to make such a break,etc etc'. Then I think, I am 51, not getting younger, have my DD to think about. I want the normal things that go with a relationship, for me and for her.

I don't have the freedom and funds to just nip up to him and he's not well off either and has his parental duties and work etc so we meet, it seems less and less. I feel like I am wasting my 'time'.

In between all this, a man I once was in contact with - but never met - has remained in intermittent contact with me, only ever on a friendly basis. He's very nice and we can chat for hours about everything. He's open, available, willing, (not badly off) (altho that sounds furtive), it is really not of consequence, but I have experienced how being poorly off can effect the ability of a relationship to flourish. He also lives just 1/2 hr away. A feasible distance..
In other words, I feel bad about wanting to meet this new man when present BF has no idea and to be honest it feels very selfish of me. But how much longer should I give DP to straighten up with me? Its almost as if he enjoys the beck and call control thing.
What do you think?

I am not a 'player' at all, I was married for 26 years to the same man and have only really had 2 serious boyfriends since my divorce.

AbricotsSecs Fri 29-Aug-08 19:44:38

Message withdrawn

Kally Fri 29-Aug-08 20:11:59

I have thought about doing this. I am not very good at two timing and being canniving altho I really am just curious to meet this new man.
The thing is, if that is so, then it means something is very missing or I wouldn't even be considering it would I?
every time BF comes I want to sit and clarify things with him. There is a lot to be sorted, dealt with. But it always gets shelved due to the hurried nature of his stays. I tried to broach it with him but he somehow wiggles out of deep stuff and when he goes I feel I was in exactly the same spot as before.
When I set out, I had a 'list' (sounds bad) of things I wantedhope for from a relationship. Some of those things I have (more than I bargained for) and some are just not there, as much as I try to tell myself and have trodden with care and patience, I think current BF is really taking what he wants. Thought to actually say that it hurts. He is a lovely man and I wish he could free up and be with me more, but he can't and its a year now and still the same. The more we know each other, the more I make concessions and see less of him due to his 'lack of funds to get to me, and visa versa, various happenings in his life', always something going on that keeps us from being together. And yet he continues to say he loves me and misses me. Someone once said 'man not there = man doesn't want to be there' and it has stuck in my mind...
I have tried to talk to him about this but he says that my insecurities are getting to me again. Really, I suppose, he is not listening. Same old same old. But I am discontent with it. It never gets sorted.
The thing is after having been thru such a lot in my life I have become the sort that fights with my hat, you know, I just throw it in...

girlnextdoor Fri 29-Aug-08 20:13:29

Hi Kally

Oh dear- what to say.

Second problem first really- if you have another man in the background who you like, and have no commitment to the McD man, there is no reason why you should not take that further- does he live near you? Could you meet up occasionally as friends while you try to resolve the MCD man? Would man B understand that you have a BF and need to see what works out?

Someone once said to me that all relationships reach a certain point when they either move forwards, or they stagnate and go backwards?

Where do you think you are with the MCDs man?

What would you like to happen?

Do you think that either of you moving in together is a big too premature- and that meeting at each other's homes first would be the "next step"?

I had a LDR and we met every week, or every 2 weeks, alternating his place or mine- mostly his, as I was house-sharing and he had his own place. We have now been married for almost 25 years after commuting at weekends before we married, for 3 years.

That relationship started to go stale, and I started seeing other people- and then he realised he wanted to commit.

I am not suggesting you do that, but I would suggest that you think of something to change the stalemate situation you seem to be in.

I would have thought the next step was you visiting him, and seeing how you are together on his home ground. There is still a lot you don't know about him, and it seems too soon to be talking commitment when you have doubts.

girlnextdoor Fri 29-Aug-08 20:18:14

How about asking him outright how he sees your future?

I don't think two-timing is the right word really, if you are upfront about it. You are not living together or engaged, or anything. You hardly see him, and he avoids talking about significant things.

Read your post back and ty to think what you would say to a friend saying those things.

And as always- actions speak louder than words- it is easy to say "I love you" but if ht only wants sex and friendship as and when it suits, and nothing else- is that what you want too?

Kally Fri 29-Aug-08 21:01:08

Hi GNextD. I really wanted to go to his, but with his Mum over at his etc, he managed to wiggle out of that and came up here. He never mentioned it at all (and he knows it is important to me). Infact he hardly mentioned anything about anything (apart from how much he loves and misses me). Ok, so maybe I should push to go up there, but again it'll be me mentioning it when really I'd love him to pick up the phone and say 'hey, sweet can't you come up here this weekend?' but he never does. That is the biggest fly in the whole ointment. I want to be invited up there.

I am going to meet the new man tomorrow for a coffee, he is driving to my town (not far from his only 1/2 hr away) and apart from that he has a Mum that lives in my town and he's always here visiting her etc. This man has been chatting to me for over a year now, I just started relationship with Mr. McD and altho we chatted now and then it never came to more than that. Just friendly on msn now and then and a few calls. Now he calls me nearly every day and I have decided that I will meet him. I have been won over I guess. I need a consistent freindship more than a lover... one being the base to the healthy other but with McD I think it went the other way about. Now the friendship thing with McD has got stuck. Its not flourishing because you have to nurture a freindship and he's just not here to do that. I feel sad and bad and more frustrated than anything else (before I have even done anything), that I can't get this out with McD.

Kally Fri 29-Aug-08 21:01:23

Hi GNextD. I really wanted to go to his, but with his Mum over at his etc, he managed to wiggle out of that and came up here. He never mentioned it at all (and he knows it is important to me). Infact he hardly mentioned anything about anything (apart from how much he loves and misses me). Ok, so maybe I should push to go up there, but again it'll be me mentioning it when really I'd love him to pick up the phone and say 'hey, sweet can't you come up here this weekend?' but he never does. That is the biggest fly in the whole ointment. I want to be invited up there.

I am going to meet the new man tomorrow for a coffee, he is driving to my town (not far from his only 1/2 hr away) and apart from that he has a Mum that lives in my town and he's always here visiting her etc. This man has been chatting to me for over a year now, I just started relationship with Mr. McD and altho we chatted now and then it never came to more than that. Just friendly on msn now and then and a few calls. Now he calls me nearly every day and I have decided that I will meet him. I have been won over I guess. I need a consistent freindship more than a lover... one being the base to the healthy other but with McD I think it went the other way about. Now the friendship thing with McD has got stuck. Its not flourishing because you have to nurture a freindship and he's just not here to do that. I feel sad and bad and more frustrated than anything else (before I have even done anything), that I can't get this out with McD.

Kally Fri 29-Aug-08 21:01:33

Hi GNextD. I really wanted to go to his, but with his Mum over at his etc, he managed to wiggle out of that and came up here. He never mentioned it at all (and he knows it is important to me). Infact he hardly mentioned anything about anything (apart from how much he loves and misses me). Ok, so maybe I should push to go up there, but again it'll be me mentioning it when really I'd love him to pick up the phone and say 'hey, sweet can't you come up here this weekend?' but he never does. That is the biggest fly in the whole ointment. I want to be invited up there.

I am going to meet the new man tomorrow for a coffee, he is driving to my town (not far from his only 1/2 hr away) and apart from that he has a Mum that lives in my town and he's always here visiting her etc. This man has been chatting to me for over a year now, I just started relationship with Mr. McD and altho we chatted now and then it never came to more than that. Just friendly on msn now and then and a few calls. Now he calls me nearly every day and I have decided that I will meet him. I have been won over I guess. I need a consistent freindship more than a lover... one being the base to the healthy other but with McD I think it went the other way about. Now the friendship thing with McD has got stuck. Its not flourishing because you have to nurture a freindship and he's just not here to do that. I feel sad and bad and more frustrated than anything else (before I have even done anything), that I can't get this out with McD.

Kally Fri 29-Aug-08 21:01:40

Hi GNextD. I really wanted to go to his, but with his Mum over at his etc, he managed to wiggle out of that and came up here. He never mentioned it at all (and he knows it is important to me). Infact he hardly mentioned anything about anything (apart from how much he loves and misses me). Ok, so maybe I should push to go up there, but again it'll be me mentioning it when really I'd love him to pick up the phone and say 'hey, sweet can't you come up here this weekend?' but he never does. That is the biggest fly in the whole ointment. I want to be invited up there.

I am going to meet the new man tomorrow for a coffee, he is driving to my town (not far from his only 1/2 hr away) and apart from that he has a Mum that lives in my town and he's always here visiting her etc. This man has been chatting to me for over a year now, I just started relationship with Mr. McD and altho we chatted now and then it never came to more than that. Just friendly on msn now and then and a few calls. Now he calls me nearly every day and I have decided that I will meet him. I have been won over I guess. I need a consistent freindship more than a lover... one being the base to the healthy other but with McD I think it went the other way about. Now the friendship thing with McD has got stuck. Its not flourishing because you have to nurture a freindship and he's just not here to do that. I feel sad and bad and more frustrated than anything else (before I have even done anything), that I can't get this out with McD.

Kally Fri 29-Aug-08 21:01:40

Hi GNextD. I really wanted to go to his, but with his Mum over at his etc, he managed to wiggle out of that and came up here. He never mentioned it at all (and he knows it is important to me). Infact he hardly mentioned anything about anything (apart from how much he loves and misses me). Ok, so maybe I should push to go up there, but again it'll be me mentioning it when really I'd love him to pick up the phone and say 'hey, sweet can't you come up here this weekend?' but he never does. That is the biggest fly in the whole ointment. I want to be invited up there.

I am going to meet the new man tomorrow for a coffee, he is driving to my town (not far from his only 1/2 hr away) and apart from that he has a Mum that lives in my town and he's always here visiting her etc. This man has been chatting to me for over a year now, I just started relationship with Mr. McD and altho we chatted now and then it never came to more than that. Just friendly on msn now and then and a few calls. Now he calls me nearly every day and I have decided that I will meet him. I have been won over I guess. I need a consistent freindship more than a lover... one being the base to the healthy other but with McD I think it went the other way about. Now the friendship thing with McD has got stuck. Its not flourishing because you have to nurture a freindship and he's just not here to do that. I feel sad and bad and more frustrated than anything else (before I have even done anything), that I can't get this out with McD.

Kally Fri 29-Aug-08 21:01:40

Hi GNextD. I really wanted to go to his, but with his Mum over at his etc, he managed to wiggle out of that and came up here. He never mentioned it at all (and he knows it is important to me). Infact he hardly mentioned anything about anything (apart from how much he loves and misses me). Ok, so maybe I should push to go up there, but again it'll be me mentioning it when really I'd love him to pick up the phone and say 'hey, sweet can't you come up here this weekend?' but he never does. That is the biggest fly in the whole ointment. I want to be invited up there.

I am going to meet the new man tomorrow for a coffee, he is driving to my town (not far from his only 1/2 hr away) and apart from that he has a Mum that lives in my town and he's always here visiting her etc. This man has been chatting to me for over a year now, I just started relationship with Mr. McD and altho we chatted now and then it never came to more than that. Just friendly on msn now and then and a few calls. Now he calls me nearly every day and I have decided that I will meet him. I have been won over I guess. I need a consistent freindship more than a lover... one being the base to the healthy other but with McD I think it went the other way about. Now the friendship thing with McD has got stuck. Its not flourishing because you have to nurture a freindship and he's just not here to do that. I feel sad and bad and more frustrated than anything else (before I have even done anything), that I can't get this out with McD.

Kally Fri 29-Aug-08 21:02:20

sorry... sticky pc

Kally Fri 29-Aug-08 21:04:48

I am so sorry don't know what happened there with post...

MegBusset Fri 29-Aug-08 21:20:08

Hi Kally, I remember your other thread. I remember thinking then that something didn't seem quite right with the relationship. I should think that after a year you ought to be able to feel secure in the relationship and that things are going somewhere (as long as you both want them to).

I have never been one to settle for second best so if I was in your shoes I would write that one off. In any case I don't see any harm at all in meeting up with the other man, on a friends basis. It's hardly like you and DP have a strong commitment to each other. But I would keep it purely friends until you have ended it with DP.

TBH it sounds like you know things with DP have run their course. That's not always an easy thing to accept, and many people get stuck in shit relationships because they can't/won't accept the truth. Don't become one of these people!

girlnextdoor Fri 29-Aug-08 21:43:26

Has his mother gone back? How have things been left re.seeing each other again? If it were me, for curiosity's sake, I'd want to see his place just once, even if I was thinking of ending it.

If you invite yourself and he refuses or comes up with an excuse again, then you've got your answer.

Are you sure his mum was actually there? how would you ever know?

solidgoldbrass Fri 29-Aug-08 21:44:56

Are you sure it's his mum that your long-distance matey is worried about? Might he not be, er, married to someone else?
Actually, have you ever talked to him about whether or not you are in a sexually exclusive relationship (because if you haven't ever discussed it then you can't actually assume that it's happening).

Mind you, one of the biggest truths in the world is this: you can;t change another person's behaviour, you can only change the way you react to it. Waiting and yearning and pleading haven't worked on McD so far: for whatever reason he doesn't seem very interested in more than occasional sex and company, so you kind of either have to accept that this is all that's on offer from him, or walk away completely.
There's no good reason why you shouldn't see him sometimes and date Other Chap as long as you tell both men that you do not consider either relationship to be exclusive at present.

OH, and please don't take this the wrong way but there isn;t actually that much need to force either relationship down the dating-moving-in-getting-married-breeding path when you're not in a place where your biological clock is ticking madly.

Kally Fri 29-Aug-08 22:15:18

Solidgoldbrass you are so right in your last paragraph. But I know we are exclusive (unless he is lieing to me) (doesn't bear thinking about). I have broached the subject about, re: it looks as if it's occasional sex and the odd weekend getaway, but he fumes and says it's not. (Words are easy I guess). We are exclusive to one another. (I am to him, at least, Gawd knows really if he is, suppose he is lieing... UGH). We spoke about moving in together, that is, him coming to live with me, I was even looking for a bigger place at one time, but lost my job and thought it best to stay put for a while, plus there was no urgency, we only discussed it in terms of 'that is what we would eventually like to do'...
But the signs say that is all it is I think. Hmmm painful realisation.

(No, he is not married)(he brought his little boy to stay with me and DD). Gosh I feel so low about this and don't know if I am meeting the other man out of 'realisation' or proper 'want to meet'. What difference does it make either way though eh?

girlnextdoor Fri 29-Aug-08 22:28:27

Maybe you need to either walk away from MCD man, or at least tell him how you feel.

On the face of it , it looks like one excuse after another about everything.

If all you are getting out of this is occasional nice sex and a pleasant weekend, but want more, and more is not on offer,well maybe you have to end it. Only you know if there could be more and if it is worth waiting for.

zippitippitoes Sat 30-Aug-08 17:42:03

i agree with what girlnextdoor has said

and even tho i am in some ways in a similar position

re distance

i think things for you are too one sided and dictated by your bf

i still find him suspicious re the going to his

place

and if he is touchy and defensive could that not be just because he feels you are getting less easy for him to manage as he wants

he has had things fairly much as it suits him up to now (perhaps?)

and he sees it coming to an end

i know what you mean about feeling you might not meet someone else but you have met him so really that fear is unfounded im sure...tho i know just where you are coming from i have a fear of getting too old to meet someone

Kally Mon 01-Sep-08 12:30:08

Internet went down for a few days. Meanwhile went and met the new man. He's very nice and totally the opposite to MrMcD. But I felt easy and comfortable and it was nice to just chat and feel at ease without a million questions going round in my head.
I went home and asked McD in a text to make time for a long conversation. He got a bit stroppy and wanted to talk to me there and then but I explained it needed more space and depth than a lunch break call.
He called at 10:30 after a days work and I sat and explained about my discontent and dissatisfaction re our relationship. He tried to talk me out of it, but when I said I wasn't prepared to have his rationed time on his terms, when he could manage it, he STILL didn't say 'well why dont you come up here'... Thats the obvious solution to that no? ie: When you can't come here, I can go to yours,prepare s an evening meal, I'll watch yr TV and you come home and we sit, as we do at mine, glass of wine, eat together..SHARE your life like I share mine with you.
It seems like I was talking to a brick wall.
I said I had hoped I had not been in some setup where I was unknowingly part of an extra marital affair... He got mad and swore that he is not married/not got anyone living there... I said, 'I don't know that and the thought will always be there niggling in the back'. Anyway with tears and heartbreak we parted with Godbless.
I have woken up this morning feeling much lighter and I feel as if I have made the right decision. (But if I think deeply my stomach aches and I get that empty feeling of wanting to be sick). But I can control it. I know I have done the right thing. It is not fair, it is a one way relationship, he controls when we see one another. He tried to plead with me to be patient and rational. But I stuck to my guns and ended it.

AbricotsSecs Mon 01-Sep-08 20:20:06

Message withdrawn

Kally Mon 01-Sep-08 21:40:46

That is what I hope. Get low and wobbly but will be meeting the new man tomorrow and we will be going for a dinner together. This man is bending over backwards to be sweet and it might be my ace in the hole to make the pain go away.

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