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Another "husband drops the bombshell" thread.....advice please..

(116 Posts)
LostinOz Fri 29-Aug-08 02:09:00

Ok, won't bore you with details, but finally my husband has been honest with me and said that he is feeling lost, like he is drifting and that he does not know if he wants to or can do what he knows he needs to do to keep our marriage together.

He wants to go and se a counsellor, and wants some space to work his head out. We live in Australia, family are in the UK. Have DS (nearly 4)

What is better, stay and co habit whilst he works out what he wants (I want to work at it and have been trying to so so for ages with no response), we are good friends there is no rowing etc, then when we do need to talk we can do it face to face, or go back to the UK for a while and let him have proper disctance.

By doing that we are quite literally a world apart, which has it's pluses (e.g he can feel what it really will be like without us) but will the not having face time be a problem???

He travels extensivly anyway, most weeks, school hols are coming up here and he is away for nearly all of them overseas.

Any advice please, don't need any "throw him out and change the locks" advice, it is just not like that. He is very emotionally closed and has become more and more distant over the years since DS was born. I am just lonely and it is affecting my self esteem massivly, not to the point that he thinks it is cruel to me to carry on when he does not think he can or wants to change,

lickleolme Fri 29-Aug-08 02:15:50

Go for counselling, what is stopping you? It will help both of you to see what you need out of life and for your marriage.

BitOfFun Fri 29-Aug-08 02:16:39

He is the person you have commited yourself to, so you stay together and work it out in my book - at least he wants to! Stay close, and talk to each other - good luck to you both! x x

ozirish Fri 29-Aug-08 02:29:21

I too am in OZ and husband originally from UK. He and I have had two years of either continually rowing or being distant. He too kept saying he wasn't happy. I thought we could carry on and things would improve but they didn't.

We have a dd whos is nearly 2 and things are just getting better.

You both have the adjustment of a new country with family miles away. I understand that. It was only my husband completely breaking down and ending up shaggin a young girl that brought our relationship to a head. Not that I suggest your husband do that! But he was truly unhappy and although the appropriate thing for him to do was get help instead of involving a third person we have worked it out.

I blamed him and he blamed me for our unhappiness. We are both in counselling separately and I hope we will continue b/c life is great now.

He is just seeing the immediateness of his unhappiness. He needs to talk to a professional.

If you're in Melbourne it's a small town.

LostinOz Fri 29-Aug-08 03:30:06

Thanks for the tips, he wants to go to counselling alone, I would like to do couples as well. I think there has been so much water under the bridge and the time we have both been saying the same things about our needs and wants, that we both feel that we are not optimistic things can get better, and he , after total silence on the subject (he suppresses how he feels big time) has now said that he is not sure he wants to imporve things.

I do, I desperatly do and always have, but my DH has got busier and busier at work, with more and more travel, and my needs are aroud time together, more talking, more fun together that there are obvious mis matches.

Moving overseas has exazerbated it further, new faces in a new city (yes melbourne, hi OzIrish).

LostinOz Fri 29-Aug-08 03:33:50

He has just called and has said that he knows what he should do but no longer thinks that he wants to. That he has been feeling like this for ages and has just bottled up up, putting it in the "too difficult to deal with box".

He thinks his mind has been made up, and therefore the issue has become too big and scary for him to hide anymore. He wants to talk to a counsellor, but just to verify what he already knows, that he does not want to be together anymore.

I am so sad, sad because I have asked him so many times to talk to me and he has not, just kept it bottled and now it is too late.

slim22 Fri 29-Aug-08 04:34:16


I'm sorry not very helpful but there is a child too in this mariage.

Why can men get away with "i'm bored in this relationship" so easily? that's just so self centered.

You are sad but you should be angry too. He may be over you but hasn't he thought about giving his child a chance during these 2 years.

No of course not. it's just me me me. poor old me needs space.

sorry really not helpful

LostinOz Fri 29-Aug-08 05:01:25

I don't feel anger, he is and has always been really bad at talking about how he feels. Before DS,we used spend hours in bed talking and both love walking, so would talk then. I got pregnant and things changed, he really did not want to know physically, then when DS was 3 months old, he went to work overseas and I was home with a new born (who was very prem) and also managing a building project on the house that lasted 8 months. I really was not coping and begged for help, but the promotion carrot work dangled blocked his ears. When I went back to work I found leaving DS really hard, but DH was now promoted and even busier, I decided to quit work as I could not cope with commute and seperation anxiety, my boss had other ideas and was really much so that I ended up in bed with him.

DH found out pretty quickly as I did little to hide it, forgave me sraight away taking the blame, and since then has refused to mention it or talk about, just has got more and more distant from me phsically,and emotionally.

Said today that he thinks he is still not over the affair either.

I have been trying to get closer to him since the affair reconginsing that I had it in the first place as I felt abandoned.

How you you get the spark back between you when so much has gone on?? What a mess. Our son is so sweet and LOVES his Daddy, he little inncent eyes, cannot bear the thought of what i tell him

ozirish Fri 29-Aug-08 05:36:35

Yes alot of water has gone under the bridge and maybe you both need time apart. He really hasn't deal with your affair either. He needs to see what he will miss out on and if he has grass is greener next door thoughts, he may come to his senses and realise what he has with you and ds.

A child changes everything. Women seem to get that and deal with it yet so many men never get over it. That they aren't number one anymore. They don't seem to handle the responsiblity.

Seems like your dh has lived in denial for a few years and buried himself in work. It would have been a very lonely life for you and I don't blame you for seeking affection from another. I remember saying to my dh that I felt like a single parent as he never helped around house, never showed interest in me etc. It wasn't until things were really rock bottom that he started seeing a counsellor and for the counsellor to actually tell him to put the effort in that he became engaged as a family. They need to be involved to feel involved.

It is possible to get the spark back but you are both different people than when you met.

slim22 Fri 29-Aug-08 05:42:45

well that's a whole different ball game.

Sounds like he is not over the affair rather than you just drifted apart.
Maybe he also had something on the side subsequently?

Counseling definitely.

You can't just re-ignite the spark. There is too much unspoken between you two. Don't even try on your own or you'll just get caught in a nasty blame game of who did it first.

I think giving yourselves space for private counseling would be a good start.

My view of marriage is through thick and thin. Not taking the easy path.
For that reason, I would not go under separate roofs because that's just implicitely agreeing that going separate ways is the answer.

Good luck.

Have no experience with infidelity so maybe I'm being very naive and optimistic. Just did not want this to go unanswered until the (more experienced) UK crowd wakes up.

Take care

Hethbell Fri 29-Aug-08 06:03:43

I am in Oz(Adelaide) without trust you don't have a relationship. It is very hard but once you make a decision stick with it then you can start to rebuild your life. I would want and need the support of my family. Try to keep the lines of communication open if that takes a counsellor then so be it. Look after yourself and remember that your child will know something is wrong and will need lots of reassurance.sad

LostinOz Fri 29-Aug-08 06:39:20

Thanks again. We have spoken again this afternoon and I said that we should get counselling together, we should try and re build things. He just said that he does not think things can be fixed and I should try and find "solutions" to everything as the issues may not be able to be fixed.

I told him again I wanted to fix things and that we had a responsibility to try (if nothing else for our DS). However he needed to WANT to fix things or else we will fail.He said he did not know if he did, and thought the consellor would help.I told him to make up his mind or let us go.

I really really don't want to break up, I really really want to make it work.I think I have lost him though. Because he does not talk much about stuff, he has actually communicated the conculsion he has come to, rather than working through the steps together.

Hard one to know if I should go back and let him see what he is missing, my instict tells me not, I'd rather talk face to face.

What a mess,

laidbackinengland Fri 29-Aug-08 07:20:58

It sounds like he NEEDS counselling by himself to start off with. Why not support him to do that and maybe get some for yourself at the same time to work hrough the things that have been happening in your life for the past couple of years (which also sound stressful and as if you have had to do much adjusting.) If at the end of that you are still on the same page, you could go for counselling together.

If you give him the dilemma of 'either we have couple counselling now or I'm leaving', you are depriving him of an opportunity to establish how he feels. He needs to do this, and to be honest, if he has really made his mind up, no amount of couples counselling will change that.

skidoodle Fri 29-Aug-08 07:27:00

I would not go. Distance seems to have been part of the problem between you.

Can you start counselling alone? If you were both talking things through individually it might help get you to the stage where he is ready to go together.

Sounds like you have a tough time ahead, but he is finally talking to you and he hasn't gone yet. You will get lots of advice and support here for fighting for your marriage.

Good luck.

Anna8888 Fri 29-Aug-08 07:29:05

Stay in Australia and go for counselling - separately and together. Please please do this - it is far the most constructive way of approaching your difficulties.

LostinOz Fri 29-Aug-08 07:30:54

I think good advice, he has a lot of hidden things that could do with being addresses. His family all talk about the fact he never cried when his dad died suddenly, he was 15 and going through his school exams, did not miss one examination.

He is lovely, gentle etc, but just not experience emotions like most people I know. He said about his dad that you all have to die one day, he is like that.

It could be that he dealt with the affair like he does with everything else and yet the effect of it on him was so massive that he could not sweep it under the carpet.

However the things that led me to having the affair, were there years before I had it, and I begged to talk about them, he refused, the affair was really out of character for me and a cry for help. So, in summary, I think he needs counselling to face the fact that he does not want his wife and family, this is the issue that is getting too big to hide. One that is being there well before the affair.

he is on his way home now, have booked a babysitter, we are not a couple who are aggresive or rwo much but I can feel my blood boiling. How dare he feel like he has for all these years and make my life a misery at time and sit back and watch was he does not want to acdept how he feels.

How do I keep the peace though, I want to be civil and strong

Anna8888 Fri 29-Aug-08 07:33:04

sad and angry for you that your DH seems to be so emotionally stunted. But the good news is that counselling/therapy really can help with that and you are in Australia which is an English-speaking country.

gagarin Fri 29-Aug-08 07:42:10

Sadly whatever the reason for your affair I suspect it is a much bigger deal than he lets on.

Think of all the sad/angry threads on here about husbands who have had an affair, however brief and meaningless (and in the husbands eyes caused by the wife's disinterestedness like you suggest your dh had a role in your affair).

Just because he doesn't react on the outside to things that doesn't mean he doesn't react on the inside.

Your anger with him may ne understandable but I suspect it reflects his anger with you for your behaviour too.

"How dare he feel like he has for all these years......he does not want to accept how he feels"

What?! Do you think he is deliberately refusing to communicate? Or do you think he has learnt one way of communicating and dealing with emotional stress - to withdraw.

If you think he's doing it on purpose then be angry.

If you think this is what he has learnt then only he can l;earn how to change that - and only if he wants to.

You can't make him.

Good luck with the conversation this evening - hope you both get a chance to be listened to and do some listening.

LostinOz Fri 29-Aug-08 08:20:35

Yes, I think I am going to stay in Aus, I am going to listen and I am going to understand him. It is right, he deals with things by withdrawing.

So I just listen, get some counselling too, support him, anything else?

gagarin Fri 29-Aug-08 11:17:36

Not just listen - be listened to! That's the hard bit I expect if you're living with a natural withdrawer.

And conselling for you to deal with your bubbling anger and other stuff. Interesting he wants to do it alone - perhaps there are things he's still not able to share with soemone who knows him. Or maybe he wants to yell about his life without you hearing it and saying "yes, but..."!

Make a life for yourself in the meantime which doesn't totally rely on him! Sorry to be negative but as well as trying to do things together as a couple IMO you also need to feel confident that you can deal with whatever comes your way.

You need friends who understand you, a job (if you can in Oz) or interests. You need your self esteem sky high if it all goes pearshaped.

Good luck.

slim22 Fri 29-Aug-08 11:37:33

what gagarin said.

it's not all about him.

lickleolme Fri 29-Aug-08 11:45:18

I have been thinking and I wonder wether it would be better to ask for you both to have sperate councelling for a while and then marriage councelling, because maybe you both need to sort out your own issues before you tackle your marriage!
As an aside, were you the lady who posted a couple of weeks ago saying your sex life was not so hot, and you missed home desperately. If I recall did you not ask your husband to go to councelling then.

LostinOz Fri 29-Aug-08 12:55:45

Hi, yes I was that lady on the lack of sex posting and missing home, I been back a few weeks and have felt totally out of sorts recently. Sorry to sound like a doom and gloom queen, but top it all off, mother has cancer, 15% chance (tops) of the chemo working, and this is also making me very very unsettled.

Thanks for the advice, I think you are right re the job/interests thing, more than anything not to have so much time to dwell.

Decided to have separate counselling too. Then I hope we can get together in a common place.

I cannot begin to thank you for your comments and support. I really am lost in Oz. I never wanted this, have so many happy memories and times with hubby, still love him, my son is gorgeous , I just want to not feel so lonely.

We went out for dinner tonight, big beach walk first then a pub meal. Was really nice to be together, I wanted to hold his hand, hug him, kiss him, he was so withdrawn but hurting inside. He really is, he loves me, knows what it means if we split e.g once a year visits, does not want that. Still has kind eyes to me, however the light has gone, I do not think he thinks he can get it back no matter what I do.

Have thought about the shock tactic route, e.g pack a bag and really let him feel the heat, but it is just not me. Like a previous poster, it is better that we have time together, have had enough separation for 20 couples...

Big big thanks, so much difference is being made

yerblurt Fri 29-Aug-08 21:07:01

So you wait until the 4th post until you admit THAT YOU SCREWED THE BOSS AND HAD AN AFFAIR?

... and wonder why husband is feeling a bit 'lost' ....? Probably wondering why his wife is getting a bit on the side.

do me a favour and go for counselling, no wonder your husband is pretty pissed off. I would be. He's probably wondering how he can trust someone like you, wondering if you're screwing around, especially as there is a child involved....

slim22 Fri 29-Aug-08 23:11:08

yerblurt shock at tone but yes you do have a point.

LostinOz hang in there. takes time but others have done it before. If that's what you both want.

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