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It's no fun being in last place

(7 Posts)

how may times have I started a thread on here about my mom or my sister? too many.
but hell, one more won't hurt!

back story: i live in UK my entire family lives in Canada. We have a 3yo DS. mom and dad usually come out once a year to visit for his birthday. stay for a month. we also go on line with them once or twice a week so DS can see them.

Sis had a baby in late may. mom spent 3 months at her house to 'help out' leaving early in the morning not back until late afternoon. which meant that DS didn't get to see her because she was away so early and it was much too late here by the time she got home.

we just found out that we are expecting our second in late april. a surprise, but we are happy.

talking to mom yesterday she said she's not sure when they'll be able to come out or for how long. (becuase sis's baby;s first birthday) i suggested she come out after the birthday so she could stay for a few weeks. i'll probably need some help with DS.

but wait! sis is starting back at work in june and guess who will be doing the childcare? so no, she can't come for very long.

so i asked what that meant for future visits? she said she's arrange something and it wouldn't be a problem. (yeah right)

i know it was my choice to move here. but why do my children and I always come last? why does she spend 3 farking months at sis's place ("oh she was very tired and needed to sleep" really? with a new born? NO! hmm) but won't even consider helping me when I need her.

she always has and always will put my sister first. guess i'll just need to get on with it. and you konw what? i will.

BalloonSlayer Thu 28-Aug-08 11:41:56

sad for you.

I don't feel my mum puts any of us first. However, she does give me the "Poor Sis, she's so tired" bit about my sister which drives me barmy, but I have realised over the years that she almost certainly also drives my sister crazy with "Poor BalloonSlayer, she's so tired" too.

We have another sister, who lives abroad. I feel awkward saying this, but when someone moves away, it's possible to feel a bit, erm, abandoned. Of course it is totally ridiculous and self-indulgent to feel like that but we can't help how we feel in our heart of hearts. There is a small, extremely selfish, part of me that feels insulted that my sister chose to move away from us all to the other side of the world, and I feel that the onus is more on her to make the effort to come over to visit than on us. It's a bit like leaving a job, you have to make all the effort to keep in touch with your ex-workmates because it's as if YOU have rejected them.

Your Mum may be feeling, somewhere deep down, that if you needed her so much you would never have moved away. As I said before - irrational and self-indulgent, but all too human.

My Mum didn't even fly over to my sister when my BIL died suddenly sad angry

aGalChangedHerName Thu 28-Aug-08 11:45:55

Poor you sad

Mu mum lives a 15 minute drive away and doesn't help me out unless i plead/embarass her into it.

Helps my db and has his kids every weekend and every day in school hols.

Sympathies,it's crap eh?

Kally Thu 28-Aug-08 12:35:29

I lived away from my parents/family for most of my life. Listen, just get on with it. There's nothing you can do about her priorities. I NEVER had any help from anyone and if they came for a visit it was because they came for a 'holiday'. I learned later after my Mum passed away that she always knew I had better coping strategies and was 'strong'. Admittedly my Dad sent me tickets to come home with kids when my son was born.

I am now a parent 'away' from my older children. They don't have children yet but the thought worries me when my daughter will eventually... I have to make that decision as well. But she's a toughie as well and I am sure she will manage (but I will want to be with her no doubt)...

I suppose I would be more in tune with the one closest to me (I have a much younger DD at home). I know her needs as I am close to her and experience it.

I bet if you say to her how much you will need her support, she will take it on board. Don't forget you are far away and she doesn't see your daily life as she does with the sister. Tell her and give her time to think about her priorities. Perhaps she'll rearrange.

If I think about it, I have helped my son financially MORE than I have helped my DD1, but that was because he needed it (he's away too). DD1 always said I pandered to him more, but I know she is more independant.

As a mother, we know our childrens capabilities and skills, their weaknesses and we continue to fill in the gaps all with our kids until we can. You'll see when your children are older that that is how it is. It doesn't mean she cares about you less I am sure.

thank you so much both of you for that. i gets to the point that i start wondering if it's just me and maybe i'm overreacting.

BalloonSlayer - I do understand how they must feel about my moving away. in my defence i never intended on having children!

sadly though, it's always been this way. even when i lived there. My mom always said she never had to worry about me because she knew i would be ok. which is a great compliment. i just look at my brothers and sister and see how she acts when it comes to them and sometimes i wish she would feel like that about me.

it just hurts so much. [stupid pregnancy hormones emoticon!]

thank you Kally

you have made me think a lot.

aGalChangedHerName Thu 28-Aug-08 13:28:33

Just because you think one child is more independant than the other i don't think the more needy one should get all the help.

I have said that i need help nd i still don't get it sad

I have gall stones atm (the doc's think anyway) and i have told my mum. She has offered no help whatsoever,that's despite me having 4 dc of my own and being a CM and working 50 hours a week.

My db is a waste of space and gets everything.

It is no fun not being the favourite and FWIW purplemonkey you are entitled to feel how you do xx

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