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massage appointments! just want to know the truth

(69 Posts)
wild Fri 18-Feb-05 15:56:23

Dp has been acting a bit edgily lately. we've had a tempestuous kind of relationship and been through some real low patches. I was beginning to hope we had put this behind us but when I described a conversation we'd had someone suggested he was having an affair. I checked his emails (not proud) and found a fairly ambiguous selection from an ex-tenant about massage sessions he'd been having with her (I know she does massage, and he's been having back and neck problems -- but still!) anyway in a mature way I necked red wine with a friend got very upset and confronted him with it in the middle of the night. Upshot he got up and left for work telling me to get out of house (his) within fortnight (when mine becomes free) or he's change locks and call police. He says he is not coming back til then and will not take my calls so far. I know this shows what he tthinks of me but I loved him a lot and still want to make it work only we can talk it over. He insists the massage etc was innocent adn he did not tell me cos I don't like her (I don't she is predatory and I was glad when she left here). He is not by nature a womaniser but I have been preoccupied. We have not had sex for ages, he went off itquite early on in the relationship. I know, I'm a fool. Tell me kindly. I am so so unhappy and I want his love back

shevi Fri 18-Feb-05 16:02:58

i wish there was some way of saying it kindly, but honestly, it sounds as though you gave him the excuse he wanted to finish the relationship. IYSWIM . for your own self esteem and sanity it might be better to call it a day. [[[hug]]]

wild Fri 18-Feb-05 16:05:03

But we have ds! oh god
is it the massage woman, you think?

Helsbels Fri 18-Feb-05 16:06:16

I read this with a mixture of feelings - I am a fully qualified masseuse, I also practise reiki and holistic counselling. I dare not advertise massage because of the response I get from men (and women)it is sad that our society uses these silly little pseudonyms for sex. I don't massage men any more and I certainly would not have sex with them if I did. I would suspect that he has been looking for an excuse to finish this relationship and that you have provided it. Do not blame yourself for this - he was acting suspiciously and you checked up on him as many of us would have done. You say you want his love back but you are suspicious of him, showing lack of trust, you say you have had low patches and yet you sound like a strong person. You can not make him talk to you. Write to him telling him how you feel and asking him to meet you (away from home) and speak to you honestly. If you suspect he has been unfaithful, you need to know in your own mind that you can forgive him and move forward. Hope this is kind enough, what I really want to get over to you is just because he had a massage does not mean he has cheated, just because you don't have sex does not mean he has cheated. You are not a fool, don't make yourself one.

wild Fri 18-Feb-05 16:10:16

It's not so much the sex, I don't think they did that. As you say I realise massage is not about that. But it's a pretty intimate situation for a man and woman, who know each other socially first, to be in, no? and he shys away from intimacy from me so it really huts
So if I had not lost my rag last night everything could have been redeemed?

shevi Fri 18-Feb-05 16:10:58

sorry wild didnt realise u had ds, even so, telling u to get out of the house and not taking ur calls signifys to me that he doesnt want to be in a relationship anymore. you said urself its not been the best of relationships. u have to think of urself and ds, whats best for both of u.

Cod Fri 18-Feb-05 16:12:51

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wild Fri 18-Feb-05 16:14:02

he has said this kind of thing before, and stormed off. We have always worked it out. I don't know why we can't make it work this time but I have a bad feeling about this. My stomach is churning. I really care for him

Cod Fri 18-Feb-05 16:14:24

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wild Fri 18-Feb-05 16:14:48

you know it cod I know it it just hurts like fk

Helsbels Fri 18-Feb-05 16:14:59

it is an intimate thing from the outside but trust me when you are massaging as a job it is just that - a job. It is knackering - it is not how you imagine a massage after a sexy bath - but as I said I don't massage men any more. I certainly would not feel comfortable massaging men I work with in the day for example. The thing is though that depending on how you qualify and how seriously you take the rules you are not allowed to massage a mans chest or belly only legs up to mid thigh back shoulders arms and head.I don't think that not saying anything is the answer - you would just be carrying on as before. The thing is that at the moment it sounds like you are both miserable so something needs shaking up.

shevi Fri 18-Feb-05 16:15:03

that was a good point well made helsbels (wish i could get my point over as articulate as that

Helsbels Fri 18-Feb-05 16:17:00

when you've been crapped on as many times as I have shevi, you learn to slow down and think about things!!(look before you leap!)

wild Fri 18-Feb-05 16:19:13

yeah I am never one to button my lip! there was love there you know. Helsbels,thanks. It is more the tone of the emails and the 'speak soon'x stuff in combination with having her hands over him, and knowing her 'type' - rich, older, taken
I had vibes from her when she lived her but dp is a real innocent in these matters, one of the things I love him for. MUm died lst year and I've been preoccupted with grief over that and worry for Dad plus ds and f-time job I have had no time left over to 'massage' haha his ego

Cod Fri 18-Feb-05 16:21:04

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Chandra Fri 18-Feb-05 16:21:38

I don't think the break up is based on your recent discussion but it comes from long before it. Don't beat yourself about what could have been diferent, if things had been OK, this discusion would not be of much importance. But TBH... I don't know if I could manage to keep loving someone who has asked me to move out of my home, specially when that also means booting his child out. I'm very angry at your behalf.

Helsbels Fri 18-Feb-05 16:22:46

we all know this woman. Just to put it in perspective though, when I was on mn last year there was a thread about emails or texts from a woman to a mumsnetters dh signed with kisses. It really made me think as I always sign off with a kiss. Sometimes I put love helsx I just don't think anything of it. Anyway soince reading that thread I have thought about it and make a conscious effort not to do it any more.Not in til Tuesday after 4.30 so take care, hope it works out as it is meant to. To be honest I see so many cases in counselling that are hopeless that I get a bit jaded. Good luck x (there I go again)

wild Fri 18-Feb-05 16:28:17

thanks everyone
the emails themselves were pretty non commital tbh dp 'can you work some of your magic on me' bleeugh
and hers asking him how eh felt afterwards
sounded like he's been talking to her in a way that he can't to me or not anymore
do still love him though, I know chandra I am a born optimist

jane313 Fri 18-Feb-05 16:36:10

Is he your same partner that was violent last year? I remember reading your threads about it, I kept meaning to post but wasn't sure what to say.

wild Fri 18-Feb-05 16:38:15

yeah I don't trade them in that fast jane! (not fast enough everyone on here is thinking) yes the very same. We got over that,somehow - all the stuff with Mum kind of intervened

jane313 Fri 18-Feb-05 16:43:09

I am so sorry then, it must be very hard for you; whatever you decide to do. Especially if he isn't communciating.

Chandra Fri 18-Feb-05 16:46:21

Well, if he is also violent, it seems like a good oportunity for you to start a better life, even if it's painful at the beginning, it's knocking at your door. Wild, people don't change (i'm a born pessimist as you can appreciate), and his acting that way towards you could only make you more attached to him even if he's not exactly good company, and make you feel miserable about yourself.

wild Fri 18-Feb-05 16:59:35

it was the once
I think you can get over that but I need to talk to him about everything, we need to be honest but I can't understand that he says hes been unhappy with me but won't say why
we have had our happy times, I know
he has had a series of short-term relationship;s with exception of 3 longer term ones including me .. but lots
it was only me that 'drove him' to violence
I know there's a kind of addiction here Chandra, I do understnad that and I keep hoping that a row will at least lead us to communciate, then this
yep I feel bad about myself
Ok i know it is nowhere at the moment but I need to talk to him. I am thinking of calling a close mutual friend (female) who's kind and discreet and has known himn for ages but I am so ashamed we are at this point

ggglimpopo Fri 18-Feb-05 17:08:13

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Chandra Fri 18-Feb-05 17:21:46

Careful Wild, it's really a bad sign to blame ourselves for violence towards us. I was in a kind of abusing reationship many years ago, and it made me feel as if the stupid man was the only person who could love me even when he was really, really nasty. He was not nice, not handsome, he was always telling me I was not worth it but I stayed put because I believed his words. It took me a year to have the strenght to leave him, just to find a lovely caring man in less than two weeks, he had been there all the time, it's just I had not noticed him being busy with the nasty one.

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