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i've got no sex drive....sad and embarrassed

(23 Posts)
silvermum Tue 26-Aug-08 21:43:55

this has been the case since my DS arrived. he is now 13 months sad so it can't just be because of having him.
i don't know what is wrong with me but it's a bit of a problem, not least because we want some more children grin. My DH is very good about it and doesn't pressurise me at all but i know he must wish i wasn't like this.
Has anyone been through the same thing? could it be hormonal/medical or is it far more likely to be general exhaustion? our marriage is okay though the last year has been exhausting and hard at times. i don't know what to think or do about this issue.

Dalex Tue 26-Aug-08 21:48:35

Its' been four years since I had my last child and I have still notr regained my 'appetite' I have a 'rod' fitted in my arm as I thought it was my contraception but actually I think it's a combination of 2 kids, working ft and stress. Hubby and I have talked about it more recently and things are improving. Talk seems to work and not beating yourself up although I still look in the mirror and crumble. I don;t look sexy anymore but I do have two wonderful babes instead. x

hellymelly Tue 26-Aug-08 21:50:39

I expect you are just knackered but get your thyroid checked in case.Frankly I am amazed at all the action other mumsnetters seem to be getting,I am up about four times every night with my fifteen month old and sex is the last thing I feel like,i am too tired!At some point the more children thing will spur you on,don't worry about it.x

silvermum Tue 26-Aug-08 21:53:24

thanks for replying. i also work full time, in quite a demanding job with weird hours - i'm sure that probably doesn't exactly help the situation. did you ever really discuss it with your GP and were they at all helpful?

Dalex Tue 26-Aug-08 21:58:05

My GP was wonderful. I was very embarassed as we know him personally too. He checked all my bloods as hellymelly suggested to make sure my oestrogen and testosterone levels were fine etc. Then we talked about contraception and we concluded it was my lifestyle and he recommended two sex therapists. We didn;t go because they are 2 expensive but have found finding 'me' time, talking and making an effort despite really not fancying it - it's amzing how quick you can warm up after one glass of wine :0

solidgoldbrass Tue 26-Aug-08 21:58:07

Some GPs are very helpful, some are the opposite (just because they are doctors doesn't mean they have a healthy view of sexuality or indeed mental health in general). Is yours generally approachable and sympathetic? If so it might well be worth a chat. Otherwise: are you taking good care of yourself physically (fruit, veg, fresh air, exercise)? And are you having a bit of time each week where you are away from your DC and doing stuff that reminds you you are a person not just a bum-wiping, milk-feeding machine? And is your DP doing a fair share of domestic shitwork - men who expect their female partners to do everything round the house often find that this attitude has made the women regard sex as both a bargaining counter and just one more chore that has to be done.

silvermum Tue 26-Aug-08 22:03:29

i don't have much time to myself but that is definitely improving since we have a bit more help around the house at the moment. i'm with a London GP practice and as many others will have found you see a different GP every time. some are much better than others but you never really get to build up a relationship with any of them. there's one lady who specialises in women's stuff (not quite sure how to phrase it but has a special interest in gynae etc) so i might ask her if this situation doesn't improve soon. i kept putting it down to having a young baby but there must be more to it.
i eat very healthily, take loads of exercise, and have finally lost all but a few pounds of my baby weight.

Dalex Tue 26-Aug-08 22:05:53

Have you told DH how you're feeling?

Dalex Tue 26-Aug-08 22:05:53

Have you told DH how you're feeling?

Dalex Tue 26-Aug-08 22:05:55

Have you told DH how you're feeling?

silvermum Tue 26-Aug-08 22:26:04

sort of. we've not had a serious discussion about it. i think he's a bit in denial about it too! he puts it down to me being tired, which is probably a significant part of the problem but not all of it.

Dalex Tue 26-Aug-08 22:31:27

Blokes seem to take our lack of interest as a personal insult, automatically assuming we are no longer interested in them rather than a general disinterest. My DH got to the point where he no longer took the initiative so now I woo him or make the effort. The more you do it the easier it gets for both of you and before you know it along pops number 2. Good luck.

ithinkimtallandblonde Tue 26-Aug-08 22:31:29

This happened to me for a while after dd1 i still went through the motions but wasn't really motivated. It took a good while as in about 18months to come back, mine was slightly hormonal and we've always been at it like rabbits when i'm preggers for some strange reason. The thing that i found really helped was making time for me, not us as a couple because then i felt under pressure i used to feel panicky when there was an occasion where it would be expected. But going to the gym, buying new clothes getting my hair done not just being a mother. After I had dd1 i just felt like everyone wanted a piece of me and that included having sex with DH. I'm pleased to report that things are now good and although we are knackered all the time(our 1 year old never sleeps) we still have very regular sex. It did help that DH sex drive had to meet mine in the middle his hormones hadn't got used to the baby thing and still wanted it every day.

Dalex Tue 26-Aug-08 22:33:27

You sound like you have the whole thing mastered. Working ft I find that finding the me time is hard as you don't want to give up anymore time with the DD at the weekend.

silvermum Tue 26-Aug-08 22:34:52

i went through a very traumatic childbirth and wonder whether that hasn't helped...all is physically fine now but it's not exactly something that makes you feel sexy!

silvermum Tue 26-Aug-08 22:34:57

i went through a very traumatic childbirth and wonder whether that hasn't helped...all is physically fine now but it's not exactly something that makes you feel sexy!

silvermum Tue 26-Aug-08 22:35:03

i went through a very traumatic childbirth and wonder whether that hasn't helped...all is physically fine now but it's not exactly something that makes you feel sexy!

silvermum Tue 26-Aug-08 22:37:35

probably not traumatic enough to warrant me posting it three times...not sure what's going on with the computer system as others seem to have had same problem when posting tonight!

Dalex Tue 26-Aug-08 22:41:02

Something wrong with the server tonight. Mine did it toogrin

solidgoldbrass Wed 27-Aug-08 01:11:15

Bad birth experiences can be at the root of it: you'll be frightened of sex being painful, you might not think of your foof in the same way after it got hurt in the birth process... If there is a problem with pain then do see a doctor as this can be helped considerably.

Elf Wed 27-Aug-08 06:37:50

I think you've had some good advice here silvermum. I just wanted to add that I don't think 13 months is that long really, to get back, on track. You are still tired and still with the child most of the time.

Solidgoldbrass asked about your DH, does he do his fair share, because if not, resentment certainly puts you off the deed!

isitreallythattime Thu 28-Aug-08 20:37:49

Hi, just wanted to let you know that you are not on your own. MY DS is now 13 months and I can barely remeber the last time. It worries me so much too as it is taking sooo long to get back on track. I am on AD to treat my PND so hoping that once i stop those I will be back to my old self.
Has anyone else experienced 'relationship' problems from PND, or just general tierdness?
We also sleep in seperate beds due to fear of not getting a decent nights sleep. Not great sad

TheHedgeWitch Thu 28-Aug-08 22:42:40

Message withdrawn

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