Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Is it too early to fall in love?(6 Posts)
I left abusive H 3 months ago. A few weeks after I left a friend of H's (use the term friend very loosly I discovered since) offered his help if I ever needed it. He's an IT man and my PC died so I took him up on his offer of help.
So it turns out that he knew about H's abusive past cos his XW is best friends with Hs XW and he doesn't think much of H at all. I found myself confiding in him about stuff I'd been through. He had always been H's friend (someone H went around to chat with out computers and films) but it seems he would rather be my friend.
(I'll call him D from now). Anyway, whenever D came around before I left H, we were chatty but there was a strange awkwardness that I could never explain but never really thought about it much. D stopped visiting somewhere around christmas but H still went around to his house.
I'll cut a long story short, over the last month I've discovered that D stopped coming around because he realised that I was unhappy and felt helpless about it. He has been attracted to me for the last three years. The awkwardness I felt but couldn't explain/ignored was attraction for him. We have become very close.
So what is my dilemma? I am finding myself falling for him. He is worried that I am on the rebound. I don't think I am because I wasn't looking for a relationship, I was enjoying my freedom. I not looking to replace my lost love cos I don't think I ever really loved H, at least not for a long time. But maybe D is right, cos it's only been 3 months.
I feel insecure and confused. When I'm with D I feel safe, relaxed and content. He is great company and is good at 'other things' lol. When I'm not with him, I'm thinking about him and wondering when I will see him next and seem to be constantly waiting to hear from him. I'm scared that I'm turning into a desparate, obsessed bunny boiler! lol I don't know if he is just trying to give me the space I need and doesn't want to come on too strong or whether he is just using me. I'm pretty sure he isn't but the thought is still there. We have to be descreet so that H doesn't find out until the Separation agreement is drawn up and we are also considering my childrens feelings.
Basically, I have found happiness I never knew I could feel, have become addicted to it and now I'm terrified of losing it or that it's too good to be true.
Didn't want to let our post go unanswerwed.
I see what you are saying and I understand the dilema. This could be great couldn't it?! BUT given the situation you and D are right to be cautious.
Who knows if it's the 'real thing' - maybe it is and only time will tell. But it must also be pretty flattering to discover that someone's had a 'thing' for you for 3 years!
AND, that 'someone' is kind and 'safe' and most importantly ISN'T abusing you - which is the type of treatment you are used to.
I think it's great that you have the friendship and support of D right now, but I would advise holding back for the time being and just letting the freindship grow - try not to rush in, head over heels at this stage.
If you and D can be open and honest and build the foundations of a good friendship, then in time, when the Separatin Agreement has gone through and you've (& the dc's) had more time & space to see what else is out there as well (and get used to the fact that not everyone out there is abusive) - you can then decide clearly & rationally if a full on relationship with D is what you REALLY want. (Rather than being potentially blinded by flattery and a need to be safe and secure).
Good luck x
I had almost exact same experience after my divorce. I was trundling along in my own sweet way and along comes Mr.Freind out of the blue. He filled all the gaps that I wasn;t even aware I had.
I went for it.
Tell you what? It was one of the most exhiliarating relationships I ever had. It was just what I needed. Everything about him was vivid and I still have a huge soft spot for him.
We finished because I had to move back to the UK and he couldn't leave (and it wouldn't have worked out anyway). But we are still friends, he still says he loves me and I am special. We talk about everything with each other and still long for the day (even if we are old and crotchety with walking sticks) when we will get together again. I don't suppose that will ever happen. But I gained a friend for ever with the best memories. He taught me how to appreciate myself and feel good about myself after a long and painful split up with my ex. I cherish him for what its worth.
Maybe we parted on a sweet note, at the pinnacle, I don't know if I had stayed whether it would have worked out longterm, but for those two years I had him, I will always be grateful. Ahhh well... thats my story.
Thanks for your replies. I am still seeing him. It's difficult because we don't get to see each other as much as we both would like, as we are trying to be descreet.
I have fallen for him and he has hinted that he is falling for me too. I'm still pretty confused even though I'm growing to trust him. I have promised my eldest daughter that I have no intention of living with anyone and I do want to keep my independance but we have both admitted to each other that we are starting to want to be together more. I feel really lonely when we are apart but really scared about falling into another committed relationship again so soon.
I think that maybe he is just as confused. I have made it clear to him that I don't want to get married again, or live with anyone for a long time, and yet I'm sending him messages that I want to be with him. This morning he asked me what my plans for him are. I said I don't have a plan. He asked if I'm trying to make him fall for me. I replied that I'm not trying to make him do anything. We have a running joke about not using the 'L' word but we both keep nearly saying it.
I don't have a plan. I don't know what I'm doing. I'm scared.
Join the discussion
Please login first.