Permanently angry and irritable man, emotional abuse, advice wanted please.

[solidgoldbrass]

I'm not namechanging because this isn't about me - it's my friend and her DP: they are not parents, won't be on here etc.
Basically he is in an almost permanent bad temper, not just directed at her, when something annoys him everyone around gets some. He uses very threatening language (but I have never known him actually raise a hand to anyone and she would have told me - and got rid of him - if he had actually hit her.)
He does have good points, can be very helpful and kind and is excellent at practical support (he's always the one who will drive people around and help them move house etc as he has a big car; he's good at DIY type things and willing to do them for other people without expecting payment). He was always grumpy but has been getting worse lately.
Has anyone any advice other than 'tell her to bin him'?

[bubblagirl]

is she unhappy has she said she doesnt want to be with him anymore?

my dad was very much like this and my mum balanced him out with her calmness as his got older his learnt to control his outbursts and is now a big softie and they have been together 33 yrs now

if she has expressed she dont want to be with him or she is very unhappy then you can only support her for whatever choice she makes

[expatinscotland]

Abuse of any sort.

The only advice I can give is to end that 'relationship'.

[Jux]

Does she want to bin him? Unless she's actually told you she's unhappy with him, you should avoid making judgements about her life.

[bubblagirl]

from what you have explained he doesnt sound abusive just unable to control his out bursts

he seems like someone whio is willing to help others for nothing and that would be a good quality

my dad would shout and swear but he wasnt abusive he just didnt know how to control his out bursts

what has he done to her that would be abusive and what has she said in regards to this as you havent really said anything that would make him sound abusive just loose tongued

[eekamoose]

SGB - ignore Jux. You aren't judging their relationship, you are just being a concerned friend.

He has good qualities but he doesn't sound particularly lovable. If she still loves him then it will be hard for her to break away. If he doesn't get his grumpiness and temper sorted then he really won't be a good candidate for fatherhood. If she wants children and she is still young enough to find another partner, then I think she should. There is nothing on this earth more likely to test your patience than babies and young children.

Even if she's not young enough to look elsewhere for a father for her children, then I'd strongly advise her against having a child with this man until he does something pro-active about his attitude to life. Perhaps he no longer wants to be with her and this is what is causing his anger?

Or maybe stress or depression? It sounds dire though. Why should she put up with it?

[solidgoldbrass]

Jux: Actually she has said to me, in so many words, that she is probably going to bin him if he doesn't get his temper under control. When something upsets him he screams and swears and goes in for a lot of name-calling and wild threats (this weekend he came fairly close to getting nicked for threatening behaviour - not to her, to someone else, but it was vastly embarrassing for all those of us who were with him).

Eeek FWIW she doesn't actually want children (a completely separate issue, he's not pushing for children or wanting them): I think what she really wants from me (and indeed MN) is advice on how to get him to sort himself out.

[Alambil]

Anger management; see the GP, but I'd suggest they "take a break" whilst it happens.

If he won't, then I'd walk away - Womens Aid list name calling, shouting and destructive behaviour (destroying things rather than people) is abusive; his behaviour is abusive.

So, IM(limited)E, I'd say anger management, alone - then go slow and see what happens if he goes for it and helps himself or end it; you can't change someone that doesn't want to be changed.

[Alambil]

Anger management; see the GP, but I'd suggest they "take a break" whilst it happens.

If he won't, then I'd walk away - Womens Aid list name calling, shouting and destructive behaviour (destroying things rather than people) is abusive; his behaviour is abusive.

So, IM(limited)E, I'd say anger management, alone - then go slow and see what happens if he goes for it and helps himself or end it; you can't change someone that doesn't want to be changed.

[Alambil]

Anger management; see the GP, but I'd suggest they "take a break" whilst it happens.

If he won't, then I'd walk away - Womens Aid list name calling, shouting and destructive behaviour (destroying things rather than people) is abusive; his behaviour is abusive.

So, IM(limited)E, I'd say anger management, alone - then go slow and see what happens if he goes for it and helps himself or end it; you can't change someone that doesn't want to be changed.

[Alambil]

WOAH!! sorry!

[solidgoldbrass]

LF: thanks, will suggest that to her. He doesn't destroy objects either AFAIK, just threatens to, but the name calling and shouting is getting worse. She thinks that it might be due to some new medication he is taking, though he has always been bad-tempered in a martyrdom sort of way.

[ladyjogsalot]

sounds like my dh.
it's hard to tolerate but i think she can either accept it or move on.
dh uses name calling and threatening language at his worst and has been in a bad mood for a while (on and off for the last few weeks).

i've noticed his mood lifts when he exercises but i am currently thinking he will always be this way.

he sounds like he is a good guy, maybe just not in control of his emotions. dh is like this (i think) because of his emotionally stunted mother. maybe there is something like this your friend isn't telling you? maybe that's why she (and I) are more forgiving of her/my dh.

[emma2617]

Completely agree with Bubblagirl my dad was very much like this but my mum balanced him out. He was well known for his behaviour amongst their friends. I used to be scared of him and actually hated him at one point!! He is now a huge softie and him and my mum are a lot happier, although he does still shout on the odd occasion!!

It all depends what she is prepared to put up with and how it makes her feel.

My mum could handle it because she knew he loved her and was never violent, but I couldn't...actually WOULDN'T hang around!!

[solidgoldbrass]

Thanks for advice, all. I will suggest to her that she suggests to him he sees his GP about his temper (hopefully the official bollocking he got off security guards at the weekend might have shaken him up a little bit ie made him realise that his behaviour is not really acceptable).