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Definate low point

(7 Posts)
PonderingThoughts Tue 26-Aug-08 13:44:52

Don't really know what I want from this post, just somewhere to let out my feelings/thoughts I think...most RL friends away at the mo'.

Relationship not great. Have posted before. DP very reluctant to go to councelling...wants to give it time of us trying by ourselves as doesn't really think there's a problem.

So, just finished up our holidays/time together (that he thought (& I hoped) was all that was needed to make everything right and allow him to continue with his 'head-in-sand' approach to life).

I feel flat. Feel like we are just not compatible. He doesn't seem to enjoy what I like to do and vice versa anymore. Our life is tough and it's complicated and it's hard. We have snippets of time that we have together as a family (with DS) and very limited finances. I'm sure as long as those times were good it would be enough for me to be happy...accept the rest...but even those times are not of late and I wonder what is the point?!

I/We are so trapped financially and we have our DS together.

We've just returned from some time away. I had hoped for it to have been fun, good laugh 'our' time but it wasn't. We rowed on the way and we rowed on the way back. DP just didn't seem to put much into being there...was a bit quiet/moody/sullen but not enough to be obvious iyswim...but enough to put a dampner on the atmosphere. Like he was only prepared to give 70% of himself...make sense? Didn't mind what we did/where we ate but moaned about the choices/was sullen etc.

So we barely spoke communication today either. I feel so angry with him about the weekend. He just thinks I'm tired & moody. He'll come home tonight and be 'normal' just gloss over the weekend like everything's fine...but it's not. I'm feeling pretty down and flat and miserable. If I bring the weekend up or try and talk about my feelings it will end in yet another row or more silence.

Where are the happy times? How do we get them back?
I'm in my thirties and I do seriously wonder if maybe all the best times are actually behind me? Does anyone else feel like that? I'm not depressed or anything...but life does feel so hard and the future looks so bleak and such a struggle...but I look back at the things I've done and places I've been and think that was great..but maybe that's it for me? Maybe those times are done and gone and I'm jst not going to get opportunities to do stuff, go places again...?!

Iwanttobreakfree Tue 26-Aug-08 13:59:23


I don't really know what to say here. It does sound like you think the relationship is to fault even though finances are V bad. Are you sure thats it? Maybe Relate by yourself could help - its a charity so you can pay as much or little as you can afford. Sounds like you need to talk to someone though.

I don't mean to sound blase, but life is a bit shit sometimes, finances are often crap. I know! Are you sure it couldn't get better with sorting money and working on some things to make YOUR life better?

PonderingThoughts Tue 26-Aug-08 14:17:42

Thanks IWTBF.

I know life can be crap, not just for me, for everyone and I also know that relationships have highs and lows and that is the nature of them..and marriage.

I guess I just find myself here feeling low yet again !! It's so frequent. I can't actually remmeber the last 'high' ?!

We both know we've just been through a year of real low/bad patch...but the situation making that a bad patch has now gone and we are hoping that things can get better now.
But it's not the magic switch that he thinks it is. So many cracks have opened up that he doesn't want to acknowledge.

The finances don't help. We are so trapped by our financial situation. But if I try to picture what we'd do if things weren't so tight/difficult I can't see the relationship being any better particularly.

I had a friend who went to councelling by herself as her DH refused to go but she said it made things worse. She felt like things were becoming clearer and making sense whereas he just scoffed if hey talked about it. If they didn;t talk about it then she couldn't put anything into action as it was a 'one sided' fix. She said it made her feel even more isolated & lonely?!

missingtheaction Tue 26-Aug-08 14:23:31

i found solo counselling brilliant - much better than couples counselling. Yes it did make things clearer and make sense. That's the point! It won't necessarily fix your relatiionship but it may help you decide what to do next.

Iwanttobreakfree Tue 26-Aug-08 14:36:02

Pondering. I'm sorry I read that back and it sounded so insensitive.

I just meant that others are going through similar things - for me it helps to know that.

Think solo relate may help you reach the decisions you already have in mind...leaving him and doing something for yourself.

What I have learnt recently is that you don't need to validate a reason for leaving. If you think that is best for you then you CAN do it.

You do need to sort your head out, and I suspect that you are depressed. Counselling may help.

Take care xx

PonderingThoughts Tue 26-Aug-08 14:37:07

Thanks missingtheaction

But when you say it helps you decide what to do next...isn't all you can decide on your own is whether you stay & put up with things how they are or whether you leave?

What if you already know that what you really want/need to do is fix what's wrong...can individual councelling help to do that?

PonderingThoughts Tue 26-Aug-08 14:48:14


I didn't read your post as insensitive at all so don't worry on that score! smile

I actually completely agree with you when you say that life can be crap (for everybody at times)! I think that's what I am actually trying to determine.

Is this a low point in the relationship or is the relationship not working.

Maybe that is the clear thinking and decisions that individual councelling will help me to decide - think that is what missingtheaction is saying to me.

BUT so much of the answer to that depends on him and his behaviour that I'm not sure I can completely reach those decsions by councelling on my own?!

Why oh why is my DP being such an arse & ignoring pretending and making out all is fine when it's just pretty shite. And why so agresive/defensive if/when I mention it?!

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