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should i stay or should i go?

(8 Posts)
fume Tue 26-Aug-08 10:58:51

i am a 32 year old wife and mother, i have been married to my husband for 13 years. on the whole my husband is a very good man. the only problem i have is that he seems unable to show me any kind of affection, this has been going on for about four years now, i have discussed my feelings with him on a regular basis, i have asked him to see a counseler with me, but he just says he doesn't think we have a problem. last night i decided that i could do with a night out so i got dressed up, put on makeup and made a big effort. all i wanted was for him to say wow you look good, but he couldn't even do that. i am really starting to crave some affection / flattery. but dont feel it is going to happen whilst im here, i am not sure how much longer i can cope with this i feel life is slipping me by and in a few years i will still be sat here thinking the same thing. am i being selfish, and put up with him and be thankful for what i got or do i leave him and get myself a life back before its to late.
any advise greatly recieved.
fume x

PinkyDinkyDooToo Tue 26-Aug-08 11:17:07

I think maybe if you tell him you will elave unless he goes to counselling then maybe he will realise there is a problem. It may need to be a strong comment like that to make him understand it is a problem to you. Otherwise you need to think about it, and nobody can really make the decision for you.

Good luck

fume Tue 26-Aug-08 11:56:50

yeah i know this, and i do think i have prob threatend to many times and not followed it through, but the truth is i dont know how to leave. i have my children to take with me and no family to put us up so i dont even know the first steps of how to get out of here. i am thinking about seeing a lawyer tomorrow for some guidence.

PinkyDinkyDooToo Wed 27-Aug-08 10:48:09

Bumping for you for more advice

Mamazon Wed 27-Aug-08 11:00:50

No one else can answer that question for you. only you know whether your relationship is able to be saved or if this area of your marriage is in fact a deal breaker.

I would say that it is not uncommon for peole to find it difficult to show such emotion. it is very difficult for me to show any affection. I have to force myself to tell my kids i love them...of course i do, but the words just don't come naturally to me.

I have to make a conciouse effort to say and do things like this.

Is he uncomfortable when you compliment or praise him? I am. i just don't know how to deal with it, what are you meant to say without sounding like your either fishing for more compliments or totally big headed?

Im not Aspie by the way, just totally emotionaly inept.
to show such affection leave me feeling vulnerable and open to pain ...i dnot like it.

Im not making excuses for your DH, i have no idea if he has the same "issues" as me. but just to say that it may not be that he doesn't feel these things, just that he can't express the as easily as you can.

That aside if you have told him how much it means to you in the past, has he made an effort previously to say and do things...even if it only lasts a few days?

Celery Wed 27-Aug-08 11:07:53

I am in a very similar position to you. He's not a bad person, in fact he is a good, kind person. I just feel utterly crippled, lonely, trapped. I am 33 and we have lived together for 13 years. To make things worse, my best friend has just left a marriage in a similar situation, and is so much happier - but he is a man, and I think it's easier for men. What is stopping me from going is mainly that I don't want to be a single parent to three children. I have no support, and it would be so hard. I also know if I left, it would break his heart and cause him so much pain.

fume Wed 27-Aug-08 21:10:38

cheers all
i think we have prob fell into a rut, and just don't bother anymore, he is not only to blame as i dont show him any affection any more, as i feel he cant be bothered so nor can i, maybe we both need to try harder, but not even sure how to instigate it now as its been so long, but i do feel very alone at the moment. and like you celery i have no one around for support so i just plod on thinking better the devil i know, (and really he is no devil ) i just crave some fun and flattery.
thanks for all your help, its really nice to hear someone elses view, when you feel your all alone going through crap.
and thanks mamazon, maybe i should think about his feelings a bit, got me thinking maybe he feels as rejected as me.

MotherOfGirls Thu 28-Aug-08 17:54:01

Just saw your thread and had to reply.

I have been married for 14 years and am about to leave. I wonder if we hit a spot around 13 - 14 years of marriage where we realise we are not in the sort of relationship we thought we'd be in by this time?

My husband is also basically a good man but has never really shown affection. After many, many Relate sessions (I was hugely encouraged by the fact he was willing to participate) I have come to the conclusion that he has never really loved me. He probably thought he did - and I thought he did - but we were wrong.

I'm 43 and so not best placed to 'start again' but am looking forward to taking responsibility for my life and for my own happiness. Dreading telling the children and family - friends will be less surprised, I guess.

Do let me know how you get on. I'm sure there are many men who just don't express your feelings and probably yours is one of them. Good luck!

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