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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

dont know whether to stay with h

18 replies

mymittens · 26/08/2008 08:34

Things between us are such that it doesn't really feel like a marriage (or not how i want one to be.)

Been together 7 years and have 2 yr old ds.Been violence from both of us in past (not for 5 yrs now and hoep to god in the past). I sort of feel my love for him has been killed by previous rows, things that have been said and done.We have only had sex 4 times in the last 3 years. We sleep in separate tooms most of the time due to his snoring. The doctor told him it would help stop his snoring if he lost weight - that was 3 years ago but he's not lost any or made much attempt to. i was on AD's when i met him and on and of afterward until a year ago. It feels like now my mind is clear and not influenced by tablets, i'm with the wrong person. I left a sweet gentle bloke to be weith my h.
BUT, the thought of leaving his terries me and i feel i would miss him in some ways. he loves palying with ds and that has never come that naturally to me. I completely love ds and h and i have different skills when it come to looking after him. we complement eachother i suupose.
We've tried counselling several times and we both know what we need to do but it doesn't work. I prepared a list of things i'd like ot change and he did the same and we agreed discuss this once a week to see how things were going. This was my idea (as are most things!) and i don't want to give up without trying everything. He deosn't want us ot split up either but he know i can't say i love him anymore.
I have a great life in the week as a sahm and we are financially very comfortable. I hate the idea of going back to work, which i'd have to do if h and i separate.
And another thing is i bumped intot the sweet ex a few weeks ago and we're meeting up again for lunch(as friends) Any advice anyone?

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mymittens · 26/08/2008 08:34

"terrifies" not "terries"

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BecauseImWorthIt · 26/08/2008 08:43

I would suggest not meeting up with your ex until you have decided what you're going to do about your current situation. It will only complicate things. The grass is always greener on the other side ...

QuintessentialShadows · 26/08/2008 08:48

Dont meet up with X. It will not help you at all.

Your dh has not been violent for 5 years. And he sounds like a good father, providing a stable home and a financially secure life to you and his children.

He is overweight, that is not easy to shift. Could he be depressed?

How have you helped him lose weight?

Do you cook healthy low fat/ low carb family meals? Could you serve up fruit salads for pudding instead of other more fatty options? Could you try urge you all out on healthy family activities in the weekend? Such as walking, playing football, cycling even? An active life style will help a lot!

cmotdibbler · 26/08/2008 08:54

I don't know about the rest of it (although would not meet up with your ex), but your DH needs to go back to the doctor and get his snoring sorted out. If he snores that badly, its possible he has sleep apnoea and that means that it is virtually impossible to loose weight (DH has OSA, and this is what his consultant has told him)without treatment. The level of tiredness that he could be operating at would affecct his whole life

mymittens · 26/08/2008 08:57

I've tried to help him. I prepare virtually all our food from scratch and it's generally very healthy. I also make his sandwiches for work most days as otherwiae he goes out and buys something unhelathy. I've encouraged him to excercise, i've bought him snoring remedies, etc so yes i have tried. No he's not depressed. He goes walking some evenings ( very hilly where we live so good excercise).

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QuintessentialShadows · 26/08/2008 09:01

Losing weight is more of a conscious lifestyle change than dieting. Could you try sit down and discuss it with him from a life style perspective, being active and healthy, making changes to ensure neither of you die or become disabled from strokes and heart attacks, and the impact this would have on your family?

I have seen this first hand, as my own father was never interested in exercise, loved his food (and cognac) and has been paralyzed in a wheelchair after a stroke 5 years ago. Stroke is a "rich mans lifestyle" illness, sadly.

mymittens · 26/08/2008 09:02

He's not physically violent but he's still very verbally agressive(shouting, saying spiteful things) sometime when he's angry.

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mymittens · 26/08/2008 09:04

QS - yes, i've done all that too.It' not like he terribly overweight - he just need to lose about 1.5 stone but doctor said this could make a difference.

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mymittens · 26/08/2008 09:26

bump

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mymittens · 26/08/2008 10:18

anyone there?

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mymittens · 26/08/2008 12:12

bump...

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beanieb · 26/08/2008 15:52

Hi Mymittens. I think I answered the other thread you started about this here and I still think you should leave.

mymittens · 26/08/2008 16:43

Anyone else have any thoughts?

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mymittens · 27/08/2008 09:42

anyone there?

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mymittens · 27/08/2008 17:31

h and i have agreed to have weekly chats about how things are going but i'm just feeling so anxious about things now and my mind is racing all the time

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quinne · 27/08/2008 18:03

Is the sleeping apart making the gap between you wider do you think? I mean is it causing more problems than it solves?

I wouldn't meet up the Ex if i were you, as the other posters also advised. At least not until you are clear about the direction of your current relationship.

I can understand him being angry. its how some people react to bad things happening to them, and bad things are happening to our husband. It doesn't excuse it, but it does make it more understandable.

What was it you first liked about him. Is it still there? Is it still a valid thing to admire? I'm just wondering if there is scope for things to repair if you both get a lot of breathing space to recover from the last few years of (rows?)?

ithinkimtallandblonde · 27/08/2008 19:07

I definitely wouldn't meet up with your ex, if you decide to split up it will need to be as amicable as possible for the sake of your ds if you start seeing someone else he will be really angry and upset when he finds out which is understandable. Despite these problems how would you feel if he was dating someone else. The choice you have to make is which is more important lifestyle you'll be a lot more comfortable financially if you stay married or being free to move on. I would say though the grass isn't always greener though.

mymittens · 28/08/2008 10:24

Thanks. I'm only meeting up with ex as friends - h knows about it and is fine about it. If he had said he wasn't happy with it, i wouldn't see him. Don't think i should give up on h yet. We have agreed a list of things that would make the other happier and have agreed to discuss this and how things are going generally once a week. If this doesn't seem to be helping after a couple of months or so, may go back to counselling for a while

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