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Im not sure I am happy anymore. (long sorry)

(5 Posts)
npg1 Mon 25-Aug-08 21:56:37

Hi. I am after advice really, dont want anyone to be judgemental as going through a tough time at the mo.

I will try and keep it as short as possible. Met DP when I was 17, he is 9 years older. Had DD1 at 21 and have another Dd now. Had PND after I had DD2.

DP is a workaholic, works loads. He has been working abroard for the past 18 months and only coming home at weekends which I have found hard going. Barely seen him these past few weekends as he has been so busy. I do love him very much but we keep going up and down. He always thinks he's right and I have barly any confidence around him. He thinks im irrational and get upset too much when all I want him to do is give me a hug and apreciate I am upset or struggling, instead he looks for answers about how to solve it. I nearly had to drive him to heathrow at 2am this morning with 2 kids in tow (we live 2 hours away) and then I said I think it's best he got the train because of the kids and he said i was being irrational. He didnt want to come in and watch his dd open her birthday presents.

We dont kiss or cuddle.

I feel im getting depressed. He also compares our life to other people or third world countries and says we have nothing to worry about.

I was going to go for the weekend and leave him with the kids but now im thinking i still want to see him and will it be fair?

Is my life really that bad, am I moaning about something I shouldn't be?

tinytoessize4 Mon 25-Aug-08 22:20:46

oh pet! i couldn't leave your post without a reply...though i doubt i can offer much useful advice. if you feel like you need to moan then its a problem you need to tackle. on the gist of it, you seem to be doing a lot to keep the family together - considering he works away from home so much. you need time together to reconnect in some way, find out if its just the distance and the stress of a job (for him)or something deeper thats causing you to be down. how long have you been together? you don't mention. people change a heck of lot from the age of 17, and if he hasn't noticed that, or won't notice that, then you need to look at how to solve it. men (i have a brother and a hubby, so i think i can say something about them) are wired differently to want to solve things, without wanting to ask questions like 'why does it need fixing?'; though they are only human too and can't pick up on unspoken signals (women are better are reading subtext in peoples actions) - they need a little/lot of prompting depending on their character. is there a reason you don't kiss and cuddle? does he feel awkward doing that around the children, being affectionate? or have you been together a long time and he doesn't think you need that reassurance(everybody does, regardless of length of time together). If you still love him then you need to tell him how you feel, if he loves you back, he make time to listen. has he any holiday coming up?

i hope things get better for you, and you feel better about things. if you feel depressed generally, is their anyone you can talk to?

tinytoes
x

npg1 Mon 25-Aug-08 22:40:21

Hi, thanks for your post.

I will try and answer your questions! We had a weekend away for the first time in about 4 years a few weeks ago and it was fab, I was abit worried how we would get on but we got on really well. We have been together 10 years and yes I have changed alot in that time.

He is not a very affectionate person, never has been but i am getting abit fed up with the once a week sh@g IYSWIM and no other affection from him, he ALWAYS has it once a week.

We had a holiday at the beggining of september. Im sure i do love him, but how do I know? I have a friend who i speak to alot as I only speak on the phone once a week with him. I just feel lonely and need abit of attention, everything I do is for the kids I feel like.

maturer Tue 26-Aug-08 12:21:56

Hi honey, you sound so sad and yet so wanting to make it work.
The problem seems to be the life style you are laeding at the moment.A long term committment to working away puts a huge strain on even the strongest of relationships. Before you know it you have become distant from each other and are leading seperate lives...life just gets in the way of "you". Whilst he's off doing new exciting thigs you are left doing same old same old but without him. I'm sure that's not what you signed uo for when you got married. It comes down to quality of life and I'm not talking the material things....yes you may have a great standard of living compared with many people in other countries but I think your dh is missing the point you are lonely and unhappy and YOUR quality of life is not good you are not the family you planned on being. When a partner works away like this it's like being a single parent but without the"freedom" of choice because you didn't sign up for this.

Please sit down with your DH and let him know how much you appreciate all the "things" he can give you and all his hard work that he's doing for his family BUT make it clear you are not happy.....it's so obvious you miss him, the little things that you exchange between you when you live together are what make the closeness and when they go it has an effect on your intimate feelings too.Is there any end in sight to his working away? You must let him know how for you all the material comforts are not worth it if you can't enjoy your family and that means having him there with you most of the time. You married him you didn't marry a man who comes at weekends and has most of his life elsewhere in the world. Believe me if you let life get in the way too much before you knw it you are so seperate you can't get the intimacy and closeness that brought you together in the first place, back. You need him to understabd that this current life style is a danger to your family life and especially to your closeness with him!
Talk to him honey, be open, honest, not confrontational......tell him you fear for your marriage because you are so unhappy.Good luck!

tinytoessize4 Tue 26-Aug-08 19:14:57

i agree with maturer a lot. you do need to have a heart to heart and it sounds like otherwise you're happy with him.

ah, its a strange question-how do you know if you love him? its a very personal matter. you'd know if you didn't love him, you wouldn't be together 10 yrs later. but then, i think, at times in a relationship you can be in and out of love with the same person. try and speak to him more often on the phone, you shouldn't feel like you can ONLY speak to him once a week. i sense that perhaps he drives the relationship, which, as the older partner, is often the case in the beginning but as you grow older you want a more equal base and that can be hard for the controller to give up, or share, if they are used to having someone agree to follow them. but he needs to realise that times have changed, that you need different things now than then. the question is really not 'how do i know if i love him?' but 'how do i know he loves me?' if he does, he'll listen.

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