Am I a walkover or not? (Male advice welcome too...) went a bit long, sorry

[ChirpyGirl]

So it has been 'mentioned' by some of DH's mates that their dp's are a bit shocked at the things I 'allow' him to do...
Bear in mind we have been together for 13 years since school and have lived in different cities/countries for a few years as well as together for the last 7.

So, he is allowed to go out on his bike whenever he wants as long as the children are looked after. (so if I am going out, he doesn't even ask, but I don't go out much)

He always gets to go out on one specific night a week.

He pays all the bills and gives me money for food each month so he does no food shopping at all unless I run out of bread/milk etc.

If he stops for a pint on the way home from work he doesn't have to call me to ask my permission.

He doesn't do much housework, his only set chores are the bathroom and the bins, but will normally do something else if I specifically ask him to, which isn't that often, I'm not houseproud but he's worse!

WRT to childraising when he is in the house he does his fair share, he never takes them both out together without me as he doesn't have a very good stern voice so dd1 tends to leg it and scares him.

This weekend he started his annual leave and on the first day he decided to go and see his parents and little brother for 2 days, who have not been well (mum and bro, that is) so, in front of his mates, he asked if that was okay, and I told him not to be so silly, of course it was.

Last week DD's and I went away to my mums leaving him behind all on his own as he couldn't have more leave.

well? is this normal (as it seems to me, we are both grown ups, I am not his mother) or am I being taken advantage off?!

[BlueberryBeret]

If it works for you, then why would it be wrong?

Sounds pretty similar to us, except DH doesn't tend to go out much, and he has to check about money before the pints

[frisbyrat]

It sounds lovely for him. Are you happy?

[MrsMattie]

Whatever works for you both.

He doesn't sound like a piss taker, although the fact he doesn't help in the house much at all would pee me off (but then, I am a slattern and need a domesticated man about the place!).

Are you both happy? If yes, then that's the main thing.

[frisbyrat]

Housework, fair enough share, if you don't have a paid job.
Pint - I'd want t know when he'd be back, so I'd know whether to include him in numbers when cooking evening meal.
One night a week - if it's not into the early hours - seems fair.

I'd be happy overall, I think, but I'd want him to take charge of both children on a regular basis. I don't think they'll grow up with much respect for him (biker or not) if he cannot control them outside the house.

[frisbyrat]

Tell him to tell his mates they're pussywhipped!

[ChirpyGirl]

I'm happy, of course, but am questionning myself now, which makes me really cross.

It is nice for him, the swine, but he has to work 8 hour days, 6 days a week so we can stay with our heads just about above water, so I think to get him to do the (minimal) housework as well would be unfair. (we are both terrible slatterns, and he knows better than to ever comment on the state of the house unless he wants to do it himself!)

I do get my 'days off' when I go to the office or go shopping but I am normally main carer for dd's but I quite like that, I will be going back to work soon enough!

frisby, why do you say it sounds lovely for him? is this really more than an average bloke (with sahm mind) gets?

[JessJess3908]

Agree with frisbyrat - he needs to have the confidence to take both kids out at the same time for the sake of his relationship with them.

[ChirpyGirl]

xposts, well, I am tempted to tell their girlfriends/wives not to be such hardarses!

He works shifts so is either home at 3 or 9pm, so either way stopping for a pint does not affect meals, his 'night out' is to a bike club, no drinking and home by 11 [losers emoticon]

Once dd2 is a bit more mobile (she is 10 months) I'm sure he will take them out, he just doesn't know what to do at the park when she is in a buggy and dd1 is loose, he is horrified when I say 'just put the brakes on, she'll be fine' He does do supermarkets and in the house/garden, is just a complete wuss at the park/ on the pavement.

[mustrunmore]

I think it all sounds fine

FYI, dh doesnt take both boys out much because he's terrified (prob cos he doesnt do it, so its a catch 22)

He doesnt go out much, but thats cos he works alot, and we are so skint he'd rather save money. But I'd have no problem with him going out at all. If he decided to on the spur of the momoent, I'd like him to let me know so I didnt think he was dead or something, cos it would be so out of character for him.

We used to do lists of stuff that needed doing, but I realised how ridiculous and tying that was. So now, if one of us thinks something needs doing, we do it. It only needs doing if you think it does; if you dont think that, why do it? Like I'm really big on hoovering and cleaning the bathroom. I wouldnt ask him to do it, cos its me that thinks it needs doing. Luckily, he is a very likeminded person, so he'll do alot of suff too if not at work.

I'm taking the kids to my Mums for the weekend, he's staying here to work Sat night and go out Sun night.

[ChirpyGirl]

thanks mustrunmore, wrt to the 'take them out more and then you woudl be better at it' thing, I am just waiting until dd2 can enjoy the park beyond the swings to start harrassing him!

I actually quite like going to my mums without him, i get quality time with her, we can pootle about in the fabric/charity shops and spend the morning with dd's at her allotment when dh would just want to stay in front of telly as he was 'on holiday!'

[izyboy]

You both sound level-headed and reasonable.

[lizziemun]

ChirpyGirl your relationship sounds exactly like DH and myself.

It funny the only person who seems to have a probelm with it is my SIL. Her dh works away from home about 8mths a year and they have 3wks holidays a year by themselves and when they go on holiday was a family MIL and FIL go to look after their dgd's.

MIL also looks after their dgd's 3/4 nights a weeks.

As i have said to her i don't judge her family life which is not for us and i expect the same from her.

[Urieel]

Your relationship sounds similar to mine, ChirpyGirl. Except that dh doesn't do the bathroom but does shop.

He also goes abroad on holidays with his mates or has the occasional weekend seeing a friend in a different part of the country.

I thought it was normal.

[ChirpyGirl]

Excellent stuiff! I called dh last night and told him about this thread, and now he loves my MN 'cronies'
He has seen mates the last few days surprised I 'let him go' like i should ground him or something if i think he shouldn't go out!

[troubledfriend]

sounds normal to me.

His mates ' relationships are the ones I don't understand.

since when did adults "allow" each other to do things?

[lizziemun]

Chirpygirl

I have even gone to stay at mum's for a weekend with dc so dh can have a 'boys boozey weekend'. I even prepare meals/snacks for them.

[mocca]

Sounds like a brilliant relationship where you're both happy, appreciate eachother and don't take eachother for granted It's his mates that have the strange attitude. Hope it carries on working for you.

[bloss]

Message withdrawn

[OldLadyKnowsNothing]

I can only say what others have already said - sounds perfectly normal and acceptable to me.

Mind you, some women are terrible control freaks.

[PortAndLemon]

If you're both happy, then it's fine. I agree with bloss on both her points, though.

[CountessDracula]

I think you sound great!

As long as you don't get taken for granted then i can't see a prob

[troubledfriend]

old lady I had no idea the extent of controlfreakery among SOME women until I joined mumsnet.

[mustrunmore]

Troubledfriend,I had no idea that women could be so controlling until I gave up work and had kids. For some reason, all the friends I got through work were fine, I never saw anything weirdy about them. But since being a SAHM, I've met sooo many women with control issues over their husbands. Is it just co-incidence? Or do more controlling women have kids than not? Or did having kids make them insecure and contrlling? It intrigues me.

[troubledfriend]

mustrunmore I don't know the answer!