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husband feels trapped...

(42 Posts)
wja Mon 25-Aug-08 08:38:52

what do I do with a husband who feels "trapped"? We've been married 3 yrs and have an 18mth old.
He feels life has changed so quickly and we don't do much now. I encourage him to see friends etc and have done my upmost to try and maintain and happy attentive wife since our baby, but he's still unhappy.
We have lots of varied sex, watch porn together etc etc but the other day,after I returned home and caught him wanking after my 30 min absence, he admitted to playing with himself more than we have sex.
where did I go wrong?!

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight Mon 25-Aug-08 08:48:36

Aw hon
you haven't gone wrong. Being charitable I'd say he needs to adjust to the changes in your lives - having a baby means you don't get to do so much stuff or have as much sex, that's life. The less charitable side says he's being a bit pathetic moaning about not doing much when you have a small child - especially if you encourage him to go out with friends.
He should also appreciate having an active sex life, but at the end of the day lots of people do just enjoy wanking, it doesn't mean they are unhappy in their relationship or sex life.

ConstanceWearing Mon 25-Aug-08 08:56:56

Yoou haven't gone wrong. He's being a spoiled brat.

viggoswife Mon 25-Aug-08 09:39:53

You haven't gone wrong, you sound like you spend an awful lot of time attending to his needs and he is still not happy. DH has clean underwear, ironed clothes and dinner each night and thats about it. With the "trapped" thing. I have always found the best thing to do with people who say things like this is just back off and let them deal with it themselves.

BTW you could shag him senseless 5 times a day and he would still find time to wank. They just do.

ConstanceWearing Mon 25-Aug-08 12:06:27

Sounds like you already have shagged him senseless, as he cannot be happy with all that you do. Blardy ingrate

But yes, back off a bit. It's not your job to make him happy, it's up to him to realise that what he has is of value. You can't make him see that if he doesn't want to. Did I mention the word 'ingrate'? grin

pigleto Mon 25-Aug-08 12:11:31

It isn't you that is "trapping" him. It is growing up. He could choose to regress to childhood or he could act like a man.

The wanking thing is fine, it's none of your business, he can do that as often as he likes in private as long as he doesn't use it as a lever to get you to feel bad about not indulging him.

wja Mon 25-Aug-08 14:28:24

but surely if he's choosing to wank instead of shagging me-which he's admitted to doing as "things havent been great" thats not healthy-besides,I need a bit too!

I'm gonna back off tho and try leave him sort it or shut-it.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight Mon 25-Aug-08 17:32:22

I think you need to look at his wanking as totally seperate to your sex life. It's not either or - and wanking does not mean you are not happy in your sex life - but I know what you mean, you want his sexual attention on you, not his hand!

Janni Mon 25-Aug-08 18:27:13

He sounds like he is quite immature and not ready for the very real demands of parenthood. You, on the other hand, sound AMAZING. That probably doesn't help, but it's what leaps out at me from your OP.

pudding25 Mon 25-Aug-08 21:37:04

Tell him to grow up and be responsible. He has a child now and priorities change.

ThatBigGermanPrison Mon 25-Aug-08 21:40:19

"Where did I go wrong?"

that is a question parents ask about their unhappy offspring, not one wives should ask about their husband. Only boring people get bored - he has a responsibility to attend to his own needs. It's not your fault if he's unhappy.

Let him wank, most men wank. Sometimes you don't want dinner at the Ritz, only a BigMac 'n' fries will do.

wja Mon 25-Aug-08 22:50:47

Quite happy 4 him to wank until it interferes with our sex life.. Oh and I don't think its appropriate when he's meant to be looking after the little one when I'm working, particularly as he doesnt wait til nap time!

ConstanceWearing Tue 26-Aug-08 10:10:44

I don't think his w*ing is interfering with your sex life, in all honesty, wja.
The way he thinks is interfering with your sex life.

My XH sounds very like your DH.

XH believes he was born to be famous. Raising children and being a father is for ordinary mortals. Any idiot can do that.

He left us to live with a DJ. They have an art room in their flat, and he does stand up comedy and acting classes now. Oh, he is also trying to become a world class pool player and poker player hmm LOL.

Basically, my XH is a wanker. Nothing I could ever have done would have stopped him from thinking he was more special than the rest of the world. But I pandered to him, to try to make him stay. He got away with shed loads of nonsense before I finally chucked him out. That makes me very angry with myself because I have a very strong sense of what's fair and just, and he took the piss.
And I let him go clubbing without me, go to football twice a week, he was out almost every night of the week. And I let him do this because I wanted him to stay with us.

Given my time again, I'd kick him in the ganglions, tell him to get over himself, and insist he helped more with the children.

The only way to get him to commit to your family is to make him feel very much a part of it. He must internalise the family. They must become part of him. He has to stop seeing himself as something special, floating around on the outside of the family unit, too afraid to run away but not wanting to muck in either because he's better than that.

How many woman behaves like this when they've had children? None? Yet men do it all the time, and we pander to them because it's 'hard to adjust to children'.

Yeah, welcome to our world, loveys.

wja Tue 26-Aug-08 17:57:01

oh I'm sorry but I did have a little giggle at the born to be famous bit! mine told me he's not happy just existing!oh purleeease!
Y isnt a lovely home and family enough 4 these toospots?

wja Tue 26-Aug-08 17:57:16

oh I'm sorry but I did have a little giggle at the born to be famous bit! mine told me he's not happy just existing!oh purleeease!
Y isnt a lovely home and family enough 4 these tosspots?

wja Tue 26-Aug-08 18:07:29

sorry,didnt mean to repeat myself!

Greyclay Tue 26-Aug-08 18:21:31

CW - your post made me laugh because MY ex was an artist, no - a computer animator, no - a musician, no - a film director, no - a film director AND producer. I worked at jobs I hated just so he could have his creative freedom and would be happier in the marriage and want to stay. He ended up leaving because married life was stifling his fabulous existence. As far as I can tell, he hasn't become famous yet.

I, however, now have a wonderful husband and daughter. I win!

All teasing aside, OP if your H is dissatisfied it is NOT BECAUSE OF YOU it is because of him. It is something that he has to come to terms with himself and you cannot allow yourself to pander to it or take the blame for it. It's not healthy for your or your child. His dissatisfaction with sex is also a symptom of his own unhappiness with himself. My Ex was always pushing the envelope that way and it was never bloody enough. It took me awhile to realize the hole he was trying to fill was his own issue, not mine.

This may just be a phase and your H may get over it in the end but, in the meantime, make sure you are taking care of yourself and your child's needs first. You can still support him and assert yourself at the same time. Good luck.

hardtimes Tue 26-Aug-08 18:45:22

Oh CW and wja that is my dh exactly, except he said he was not happy to just be DS's father, he wanted more. Now is all set to be a professional gamber hmm. Why not be a professional footballer, or run away with the circus or be a farkin lion tamer lads?

ConstanceWearing Wed 27-Aug-08 00:07:36

Lol at these stories. And the irony is, they all think they're so unique, but actually they're a stereotype wink

I can laugh because I'm no longer going through it, but OMG I was so miserable for so many years, trying to hold on tight to that greased turd.

I have every, every sympathy with anyone suffering wth this at the moment, because you always think the problem is you. You're not 'fascinating enough/ thin enough/ sexy enough'. And actually the problem is with them.

Stand back. Let them sort themselves out. Once they realise you're not going to beg them to love you or to stay, they'll be intrigued and suddenly find you interesting again (good theory, no? grin )

ConstanceWearing Wed 27-Aug-08 00:10:10

But most of all, never lose sight of who you are, the valuable part you play in your children's lives, and the commitment and dedication you put into your family every day.

Keep your self-worth, whatever else you might lose ((()))

Janni Wed 27-Aug-08 01:18:15

Constancewearing and Greyclay - a very heartfelt thank you because I, as a longterm, full-time mum have many moments of thinking 'I'm better than this' and when you spell out what your men did, it makes me realise that I am still there, every single day, for my children. It also makes me appreciate DH, who has continued to slog at a thankless but well-paid job when he would rather be an author or a round the world cyclist.

solidgoldbrass Wed 27-Aug-08 01:40:24

I'm not so sure that it's such a bad thing to want an interesting life or an artistic profession. Many jobs are soulless, pointless, badly paid shitwork (and being a housewife is the worst of all because it's 24/7 for subsistence pay and the occasional duty shag). Having children doesn't mean that you have to start acting like the rest of the herd, doing a job you despise and sitting in front of the television with your mouth open and only ever eating in a Harvester. The real challenge is finding ways of combining enjoyable, interesting work with having children, and showing them that life doesn't have to be exactly like the neighbours' lives if you want something different.

wja Wed 27-Aug-08 17:13:33

but my husband hasnt been able to tell me wot his more interesting life would involve... I think he thinks everyone else has a great time except him.
And his idea of an aristic profession would prob be a porn star.

Greyclay Wed 27-Aug-08 17:41:44

Well, I can tell you that "everyone else has a better time than him" is a classic cognative distortion. It is, in fact, textbook. the reality is that some people are having a great time, some of the time, and some people are having a worse time, some of the time.

The fact of the matter is there is nothing wrong with wanting to strive towards interesting goals in life, be it artistic or otherwise, the problem is when when these desires come at the expense of everyone and everything else in life. If you H is not able to clearly identify or discuss what he wants or what is making him dissatisfied, then he really needs to do some soul searching. (i.e. therapy) It sounds as though he is unable to balance what is making him unhappy with what is actually good, positive and real in his life.

solidgoldbrass Wed 27-Aug-08 18:34:07

I do have to ask, though: did he actually want children? Or did you coax him into having them? Because there are some people who really aren't keen on becoming parents or 'settling down' and sometimes other people make the awful mistake of assuming that a restless, undomesticated, ambitious individual will just 'come around' to the idea of parenthood and domesticity.

If the having DC was his idea then he is being a bit of a jerk; however, if he's a daddy because you got PG sort-of-accidentaly-on-purpose then some of the blame is yours.

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