Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Was this mean of me?

(19 Posts)
Chippopotamus Sun 24-Aug-08 23:09:07

I was told I needed glasses a few weeks ago and DP instantly let me know he didn't think I'd suit them hmm when I actually got them he had a good laugh but then started saying stuff like "your eyes actually get stronger if you make them work without glasses" and "You look really old in those, It actually adds about 10 years to you" he's then laugh as if he was embarrassed having to be brutally honest with me but I know this is just his passive aggressive way of being nasty and hiding it as loving advice.

Anyway about an hour ago he said "you do look so much better without them, no offense but I really don't like you in glasses" so I said "well whilst we're being honest, I really dislike the fact that you have a missing tooth, you'd look so much better if it was fixed".

I know he's sensitive about this and self conscious and I'm really not the kind of person to attack mentally like this but I'm so sick of him going on at me, if its not my clothes its my glases. I still think I should have handled it better and should never have sunk to that level. What I want to know is, does it warrant an apology or should I at least wait until I get one off him (or is that childish?)

He's been really quiet since I said it so I know it's gotten to him.

ZZMum Sun 24-Aug-08 23:12:51

given what he has said to you... I would say you are evens...

theSuburbanDryad Sun 24-Aug-08 23:14:35

No advice about the relationship stuff i'm afraid, but you can tell him he is 100% wrong about your eyes getting stronger if you don't wear your glasses. All it's likely to do is give you a nasty headache!

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight Sun 24-Aug-08 23:15:13

I don't blame you. Nasty man! It's not true by the way - if you need glasses you need them and I'm sure they suit you fine.

gothicmama Sun 24-Aug-08 23:17:06

given what he said no it was n't mean , if you need glasses it is best to wear them , they take time to get used to,if you can affiord it there is always contact lenses

UniversallyChallenged Sun 24-Aug-08 23:17:28

even stevens

Mamazon Sun 24-Aug-08 23:18:18

I thnk that if he uses your appearance to make rude comments about you then this as an area of yuor relatinship that needs dealing with.

yes it was mean of you to say what you said but understandable given your provocation.

i would hope that at some point he will say something along teh lines of "that comment really upset me" at which point you can explain that what he say's upsets you too.

Milkycheeks Sun 24-Aug-08 23:20:45

I would apologise but point out that his remarks hurt you too and that he needs to think about the effect his remarks have on you - hopefully a taste of his own medicine will have made him think about it.

For what it's worth, i hated it when i needed to start wearing glasses but you get used to it, and so does everyone around you. Are contact lenses an option - i find them a godsend for "vain' days.

And also, it's complete bollocks that your eyes will get stronger without glasses.

TheOldestCat Sun 24-Aug-08 23:21:55

With mamzon on this.

No, you shouldn't have sunk to his level. But who can blame you when you've been on the receiving end so much?

If he doesn't bring it up, perhaps you can tell him that, while you're sorry for your remarks, his comments and attitude have really hurt you. Then, if he retorts that you've hurt him too, perhaps he can equate the two.

DaDaDa Sun 24-Aug-08 23:25:47

Sounds fair enough to me. Hopefully he'll realise he's being an idiot.

OldLadyKnowsNothing Mon 25-Aug-08 01:17:45

If glasses make one look ten years older, how come I couldn't get a pint when I was 9? hmm

RambleOn Mon 25-Aug-08 01:28:14

You could have told him that HE looks better without your glasses as well grin

PootyApplewater Mon 25-Aug-08 01:42:12

"this is just his passive aggressive way of being nasty and hiding it as loving advice".

You need to address this with him.

Don't allow him to make hurtful personal comments about you - it will gradually grind you down, and affect your self-confidence.

Why do you think he does it? Is his lacking confidence himself; is he a bit of a bully; is it a rut he has fallen into; or something else?

I don't blame you for biting back with your comment about his teeth, but it would have been better to address his comments about your glasses when he made them.

If I were in your position, your DP could whistle for an apology from me.

All you have done is given him a dose of his own medicine.

He needs to suck it up.

moondog Mon 25-Aug-08 07:03:54

No, I don't think you were being mean.
And yes, missing teeth are vile.

Anna8888 Mon 25-Aug-08 07:57:13

Your DP has a very tactless communication style. But that doesn't mean that he shouldn't talk to you about your appearance and encourage you to make the most of yourself.

Can you sit him down and tell him that his words were hurtful but that you think what he is really trying to let you know is how he would like you to try to help you make the most of yourself? And could he please think a little harder about how to encourage rather than undermine you.

Your DP may not like your glasses but they will do you good. Can you try contacts?

WideWebWitch Mon 25-Aug-08 08:09:21

Gosh, how horrible to say things like that to you. He should apologise, that doesn't sound like the kind of thing a supportive partner says.

Lotstodo Mon 25-Aug-08 08:10:28

Maybe he really thinks you actually do look nice in them as I know so many men that adore Kate Silverton the newsreader in hers and I think men in glasses look interesting - I love that bookish retro look.

Kally Mon 25-Aug-08 09:12:00

I love RambleOns come back!!!grin

My daughter has to wear glasses and her hubby often made snidey little remarks about them (which really annoys me and shakes her confidence). She bought contacts, which she says are quite uncomfortable.

I don't understand how people can be so mean to one another with regards to 'specs'.

The thing is, they don't realise how shallow those types of remarks, makes them appear.

I don't think you were mean at all to say what you said.

Sobernow Mon 25-Aug-08 09:16:17

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now