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Come and tell me what I should be doing?

(15 Posts)
Mumnstuff Sun 24-Aug-08 21:55:22

I have a fabulous DP who I love to bits.
I am one of the most faithful, anti-adultery people out there you could ever meet. I will argue my corner until the cows come home, and on any other subject I will accept there is room for leeway. Relationships are black and white.

So, why am I not stepping away? I have a male friend. I get on very well with him. We were together in the past (before DP, childbirth etc). We talk online, texts, just about lives in general. But I can feel myself falling. I love DP, I would never do anything with this other man, but I can feel my brain occasionally thinking not entirely friend thoughts.

Can I keep a friendship with him, or do I have to just cut all contact? He is a great friend and I would miss him terribly. As far as I am aware, he has no interest in me like that, so again, it is very safe. Do I have to stop all contact because of the odd rogue thought?

My black and white brain says anything is wrong. My more logical possibly slightly stubborn brain is thinking that if there is the slightest inkling of non-friend then I should run like hell.

can you keep a friendship when there are the occasional musings if you know it would never be acted on, or is the act of musing a form of cheating in itself. I know I would be hurt if DP was musing.

bodiddly Sun 24-Aug-08 22:02:09

why not step back from the friendship for a while and put extra effort into your current relationship and see whether that helps get things back on track.

MamaMimi Sun 24-Aug-08 22:06:40

I would step away - as long as there is contact you will always be thinking about it and it may get worse.

If you step away your thoughts about this guy will gradually fade 'til you can forget about him and get on with your happy life without any distactions.

MamaMimi Sun 24-Aug-08 22:07:56

whoops distractions

ChukkyPig Sun 24-Aug-08 22:10:24

Would be best to stop seeing the friend so much/for a while.

But don't feel bad about having some feelings for him, it happens to lots of people and is entirely natural. You have not been unfaithful, thinking about someone else a bit doesn't really count. it's only if you pursued it that it would be dodgy.

MsHighwater Sun 24-Aug-08 22:16:25

You seem to be treading on dangerous ground here. Would you be happy to tell your dp about your feelings for your friend? If not, you probably need to back off from your friend for a while at least.

beanieb Sun 24-Aug-08 22:18:54


"if you know it would never be acted on"

do you really know that or is there perhas a suggestion that both of you, not just you, would like it to go further?

MindingMum Sun 24-Aug-08 22:23:28

Hi mumnstuff, hard as this is going to be, you need to put a stop to this now

Once those type of feelings surface it is virtually impossible to turn back and , if as you say you are so against adultary and you let something happen, you would never forgive yourself.

You and this guy are connecting on an emotional level and that can be even harder to detach from than if you were doing anything physical.

Been there, done that and don't recommend it.

Mumnstuff Sun 24-Aug-08 22:33:59

thankyou all for confirming what i have been thinking. I will step back from it all. scared as i remember it hurting like hell before

Mumnstuff Sun 24-Aug-08 22:35:40

replying to the specific posts - I know it would never be acted on from my side, I am 90% certain he has no interest in me like that. DP knows he is a friend, I have never hidden anything - have been very very open about it all, but I am not sure he knows how close we are now as he has never asked.

MindingMum Sun 24-Aug-08 22:46:36

Well that's good Mumnstuff as he obviously trust you, you are definately doing the right thing

beanieb Sun 24-Aug-08 23:05:26

Could you tell him about how close you are?

mumnstuff Mon 25-Aug-08 09:56:31

I think I could tell him, yes, but I would feel guilty from my side. I have always been very very jealous/possessive and I know how I would have reacted to a similar friendship. DP has no trust issues whatsoever, so has never seen things in the same way as me, he has never grasped why his friendship with women has upset me in the past. I have gotten a lot better over the years though, and he had/has a close female friend who he goes out with etc (she disappeared off the scene for ages hmm hence the past tense). If I had been stable for the last decade, this would seem much less of a thing - a hell of a lot of this is guilt that I wouldn't have trusted him in a similar situation blush. Yes, I accept I do need therapy of some sort for that!! I am going to step back from the friend though, and talk to DP more about how much of a friend he has become. If I can be honest with DP and he is ok with it, then that is probably half the battle.

Cappuccino Mon 25-Aug-08 10:03:54

but musing is natural, surely?

I muse an awful lot about people off the telly. It doesn't mean I should step away from the TV.

I think that brains naturally daydream, some people more than others. I have done it since I was a child and I don't think it's important.

If you don't think it is important, then it's not. If it feels important, then fine. I have to say I've never been in your situation, with a real person to daydream about, but I certainly think it's possible to think thoughts without them necessarily being dangerous.

MsHighwater Mon 25-Aug-08 20:59:37

But Cappuccino, there is a huge difference about "musing" about a celebrity and entertaining the same lustful thoughts about an actual friend. The OP's friend is a former partner so can hardly be described as unattainable, can he?

I think the most important point is that the OP is troubled by the implication of what she has been feeling. For me, that alone is a sure sign that it could lead to trouble if she doesn't act.

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