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Why do I only attract men who tear me like s#'t?

(24 Posts)
charlotte121 Sun 24-Aug-08 14:53:45

every relationship i have been in has been hell. the last was emotionally abbusive and the worst of them all but i only seeem to attract men who are horrid to me. Is it too much to ask to feel loved. Right now i just want to go to sleep and never wake up again. I woiuld never do anything stupid coz the kids need me. I have been managing my low moods really well recently but have had a real set back today. Im so tired of coping alone and just want someone to hold me and make me feel like everything is going to be ok even if its only for a split second. This is beginning to get too much.
Its the anniversairy of my dads death tomorrow. Its been 12 years but this year seems to be harder than ever. I miss him so much and hate the fact that he isnt here to see my beautiful kids or beat some sense into the men who have bullied me and made my life so hard. He would turn in his grave if he knew how i had been treated. me and my sisters were his pride and joy and all our lives are in tatters. He always used to teach us to stand up to bullies yet i have let men walk all over me my whole adault life. he would be so disapointed in me.

controlfreakyagain Sun 24-Aug-08 14:59:24

have you considered getting some help like counselling to get some insight on your choices and to see how you might change this pattern? you could ask your gp for help referring you....

expatinscotland Sun 24-Aug-08 14:59:48

why do you feel like you even need to date at this moment?

i think it sounds like you need a break and to focus on your relationship with YOU before even thinking about starting something else with someone else.

it's only when you're 100% sure you are and can be happy on your own and in your own company that you'll a) find you've also got hte judgement to steer clear of arseholes b) be able to have a healthy, stable relationship with anyone else.

i know this sounds hard, but there's NEVER going to be someone who is going to make it allright.

but what there is is a lot of great, supportive people out there who can help you feel better about yourself and not in the romantic sense.

friends, family, your kids. you need to work on those instead of hoping for a man or partner to come along. invest in other relationships first and that is where you will find strength.

abouteve Sun 24-Aug-08 15:01:09

Sorry you feel like this Charlotte. I'm afraid I don't have any answers for you but you are not the only one.

I sometimes think I only get what I deserve. Which is a horrible thought. I think we need to recognise a pattern and try somehow to change it.

I realise that I don't weigh men up first. I act first and then get to know them afterwards. Usually they are total losers so I get out fast. Hence lots of short term relationships under my belt. I need to reverse this to find the right person.

Remembering your dad will bring these feelings to the surface. I'm sure he would be proud of you.

charlotte121 Sun 24-Aug-08 15:08:55

i feel like im being punnished and i dont know what for? My life has been a constant battle since day one... my dad died when i was 8 closely followed by my grandad, was bullied at school one girl in particular used to find it fun to laugh at the fact that i didnt have a ddad another used to come in every day and say that they had found a cure for cancer. that really screws up your head when your 8 years old. I have dsylexia so have really struggled ith my who education and lost a whole year of school bcoz the teacher took a disliking to me so i made myself ill so i didnt have to go. my mum had lukimia and came very close to dying. we were put into foster care. then when we moved back home all the responsibility was put on me and i had to take care of everything, i was only 13 few years later was sexually assulted by my sisters friend. noone believbed me and he still taunts me about it now if he sees me. the list goes on and on. theres been no let up for years and im exhausted and on top of that men just keep chewing me upp and spitting me out. I know i must look like im asking for sympathy here but im not. i just want to be happy.

Anna8888 Sun 24-Aug-08 15:10:21

Charlotte121 - do you love yourself and treat yourself well?

The first step to being treated well by others is respecting yourself and taking very good care of your own person.

charlotte121 Sun 24-Aug-08 15:10:58

I dont think my dad would be proud either, i think he would be really disapointed. he would hate the fact that ive had kids before getting married abnd would be cross because i havnt worked as hatd as i could at uni the year. baby or no baby i could have done better.

Anna8888 Sun 24-Aug-08 15:13:20

Don't you think your dad might think "Poor Charlotte121, what a terrible time she has had of it, and hasn't she done well still to be here at the end of all that" and want to give you a helping hand?

Try to think of that and give yourself the helping hand your dad would have wanted to give you.

PootyApplewater Sun 24-Aug-08 15:21:50

charlotte, you have such a lot to cope with at the moment.

Having two babies on your own is exhausting.
From what I have read in your posts, your ex-p is an unreliable and unpleasant man.

You must be shattered.

Have you been in touch with Sure Start - I'm sure they'll be able to help.

If you are feeling depressed, please seek help from your GP.

And keep posting on here.

I, for one, think you're doing an amazing job. smile

dittany Sun 24-Aug-08 15:22:40

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

chapstickchick Sun 24-Aug-08 15:25:21

charlotte i too think youre FAB!

I thin if your dad was here hed be very proud of you -you cant help other peoples behaviour.

i lost my mum when i was 11 and i quite often try and envisage what life would be like with her here in my mind i see her coming round tiidying the house doing a bit of ironing etc etc when in real life shed probbly be ringing me from the pub asking me if i could feed another mouth t dinner and could she wear my new shoes.

dont look back at what ifs look forward and make every day count YOU are in charge.

charlotte121 Sun 24-Aug-08 15:31:20

i feel like my head is about to explode. im goonna go and get in bed with dd and have some sleep. thankyou for being nice... im feeling very week and pathetic atm.... also noticed the typo in my title. it was supposed to say treat not tear.

chapstickchick Sun 24-Aug-08 15:36:22

aww charlotte hope you feel better after a rest x

Ripeberry Sun 24-Aug-08 15:57:57

Depends where you find these "men" as when i was dating the bad ones always came from pubs and clubs.
Have you not tried dating sites where they match you up on the basis of ages and what your interests are?
My DH and i met through a dating site and we both hated going into pubs and clubs as we were quite shy anyway.

AttilaTheMeerkat Sun 24-Aug-08 16:23:54

Hi Charlotte,

You seem to me to be clinically depressed (the wanting to sleep and never wake up again is an indicator); you also say you have been managing your low moods but I think you need to ask for help now from your GP if you have not done so already. The anniversary of your Dad's death has highlighted these underlying issues of yours which have always been there even further. I guess as well you were never given any bereavement counselling (to mention just but one issue of yours) or even a proper chance within your family to express how you felt.

You need to love your own self completely first before even attempting to love another person; you need to work on you first off through counselling. Take some power back, don't be forever a victim and play that role. Abusive men find very emotionally vulnerable women like you are currently and use you to their advantage.

What has happened to you is NOT your fault in any way, shape or form. The sexual abuse you suffered was not your fault in any way. Abuse is about power and control and these people had that over you.

You have been dealt a bad hand to date but you have survived and will continue to do so. You are still here, are strong though you do not realise it and an abuse survivor and I think your Dad would have thought, "well my daughter has come through this and I am proud of her". You have every right to be happy and you will come through even stronger eventually through support. You need to find and use professional support.

You say you are dyslexic (and what you write about your school days is commonly experience in people with dyslexia; widespread ignorance of dyslexia meant that you and many others did not have their special educational needs met). BTW do you still find reading and writing a challenge?. How do you cope in everyday life with regards to your dyslexia?.

duke748 Sun 24-Aug-08 17:45:23


I would second all the advice given so far.

You do sound depressed to me and I think you need to talk to your GP about getting it resolved. I had that exact same feeling of wanting to fall asleep and never wake up.

The good news is that a few years later I feel 100% different and I can cope with whatever life passes me. Even though there have been big difficulties, just being well has meant that I can cope. So, please please do get some help.

For the secondary issue of men - try a book called 'Women Who Love Too Much'. Might give you some insights. But please leave men alone for a while as when you are depressed you are not 'you' so won't find the right man for you, if that makes sense. When the fog lifts it will all be much easier and you can find a good man.

Big hugs sent your way.

Duke xXx

SpandexIsMyEnemy Sun 24-Aug-08 18:25:59

char - you have soo much going on right now, please don't think about dating (am I right in assuming the chappy who you've know for years has let you down again?)

key points are - your dad would be immensly proud, you are a beautiful young lady with a lot going for you beleive it or not - you're gutsey, and obv have the determination to see things thru.

at the mo you have a toddler, a young NB baby, and an ex to boot, coupled with the restoration project there's an awful lot on, cut yourself some slack sweetie.

have a chat to your HV the next time you see her. are you eating and sleeping as well as you can do?

(oh and saw you were on POF - tbh come off of it - leave it alone, you don't need it at the mo, if you want to talk online of a night talk to us on here not on there)

Janni Sun 24-Aug-08 19:06:18

Your dad, I'm sure, would just want to put his arms around you and make you feel better. He would not waste a moment feeling disappointed in you. Try to love yourself and look after yourself before you think about any new relationships. The men you are attracting obviously see your fragility and take advantage of it.

charlotte121 Sun 24-Aug-08 20:43:25

Feel alot better affter a good sleep. I think this mornings outburst had a lot to do with the fact that i had a hangover, hadnt had much sleep and hadnt eaten anything. I try not to get too upset about my dad as it was 12 years ago and I feel I should have got over it slightly by now. Cant talk to my family about it, they all bury their heads in the sand and act like nothing happend. My older sister was the only one who was given counciling when it happened, my little sister was 3 at the time and didnt understand and because i looked like i was coping i wasnt really given a second thought. I have been thinking about taking a course in counciling and be a volenteer child berevement councilor for kids at st peters hospice as i think it would help me as well as others but at the moment I dont have enough time.
Im not eating propperly atm so Im just cooking up a big pan of rissoto and that will see me through the next few days. I thhink I just need to take control of my life again. This guy seems to really like me but always pulls out everytime we make plans. TBH I think POF Is the biggest pile of poo ever. I just get harrassed by old men! I agree i need to have more respect for myself but im not sure about having counciling. I find it ok talking to everyone on here is its kinda anonymous. I could be anyone. where as a councilor would be face to face. It might help i suppose as I dont wanna go to the gp and be put on anti depressants. learnt about them in psychology and have seen first hand what they did to my mum. I think most of my issues are thing i have to work through so a councilor would probs be my best option. anyways enough rambling. sorry for being so silly earlier. better get cooking as its really late!

MUMBLEB Sat 30-Aug-08 01:48:36

you only need to look all around you and see your not alone.I can recomend a LIFE SAVING book by Robin Norwood called women who love too much your answers are almost guarented to be answered. There is a reason why you keep finding yourself in this situation you just need time and helP understanding why and how to stop this reocurance, As for your Dad being disapointed in you, for what???? if your child went through the shit you have and now seeks help support and wisdom for answers and understanding .would you be dissapointed?I KNOW I WOULDNT X

MUMBLEB Sat 30-Aug-08 01:54:42

you only need to look all around you and see your not alone.I can recomend a LIFE SAVING book by Robin Norwood called women who love too much your answers are almost guarented to be answered. There is a reason why you keep finding yourself in this situation you just need time and helP understanding why and how to stop this reocurance, As for your Dad being disapointed in you, for what???? if your child went through the shit you have and now seeks help support and wisdom for answers and understanding .would you be dissapointed?I KNOW I WOULDNT X

solidgoldbrass Sat 30-Aug-08 02:03:10

Agree with what others have said: your dad would want to tell you how proud he is of you for surviving, getting this far and being such a great mum to your DC. You've done really really well, but you do need a little bit of help now, from professionals rather than hoping that some man will fix you. Unfortunately anyone who is unhappy and feels insecure and vulnerable is an absolute magnet for predators: men who enjoy having someone to kick around and control.
You can get through this, and there's a lovely sunshiny future ahead for you and your DC.

TracksuitLover Sat 30-Aug-08 18:05:20

Charlotte, you said something like do you keep getting what you deserve - No, but you are getting what you believe you deserve. If you can convince yourself that you deserve a good relationship then you will attract one. What has made you feel undeserving? If you can work this out and see that it is not true this will help you.

TracksuitLover Sat 30-Aug-08 18:09:44

Sorry, I hadn't read it all in depth and just read that you had a difficult childhood, bullying and sexual assault - it is no wonder your self esteem has been damaged! This isn't your fault. You deserve the best, just like everyone else.

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