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URGENT ADVICE PLEASE - re husband/abuse

(42 Posts)
littlemissworry Sun 24-Aug-08 09:19:59

Hi all, just posting as I may have overstepped mark and REALLY worried. Can you tell me if you think this is in any way a form of sexual abuse. For your husband to say to you in a hostile manner 'when's it going to be - need to know' and 'you've entered into a consensual sexual relationship' therefore making you feel like you have to oblige on a regular basis.

littlemissworry Sun 24-Aug-08 09:26:21


misdee Sun 24-Aug-08 09:27:28

sorry, is he telling you you have to have sex with him regardless of whether or not you want to?

littlemissworry Sun 24-Aug-08 09:29:33

Well, he's made me feel it's my duty. That we have to have a compromise.

littlemissworry Sun 24-Aug-08 09:31:15

I've got to go out for day now buy would appreciate any advice on this.

Well it's threatening, IMO, and totally unnecessary for a couple within a normal healthy relationship to talk in those terms.

I don't know enough about definitions of abuse to comment on that, but if my DP was to speak to me in this manner I think he (or I, if I felt threatened) would be out the door.

spiderbabymum Sun 24-Aug-08 09:33:11

Dont understsnd what you/he means at all by the first comment .

Presume it refers to Sex? in some way.

Second one ..... totally out of order .

NOT what an adult relationship is about . lack of respect for you , demanding , threatening ...................

How long has this been going on . ???

electra Sun 24-Aug-08 09:33:30

Well if he's making you feel intimidated then his behaviour is unreasonable, which is grounds for divorce. You obviously feel that he is abusive so he is obviously behaving in a way which is unacceptable for you.

mrsruffallo Sun 24-Aug-08 09:33:44

You don't have a duty to have sex with him and to try to make you do so against your will is certainly abusive
Certainly controlling and a little sinister
Was he serious?
Why do you feel you have overstepped the mark?

bythepowerofgreyskull Sun 24-Aug-08 09:35:45

I think you need to keep talking to him.

perhaps about the fact that talking like this certainly isn't a turn on and if he wants to get you into bed a little more effort in the foreplay (verbal) department is required.

I personally feel that a marriage without sex is a friendship/co-parenting/housemates. I do think that an intimate relationship is part of a marriage.

It seems that there are some big questions.. if you don't want to is this a short term thing? Have you just had a baby?
So many questions!

spiderbabymum Sun 24-Aug-08 10:14:26

Agree with bythepowerofgrey ........

on the point that what hes doing is a huge turn off and that he needs to see that what hes doing is counterproductive.

Thats very sad to me . He wants sex but hes going about getting it in the WRONG way .

You sound a bit confused . You have to realise that you should not be having sex unless you WANT to .
Also that its natural for women to need to be kind of seduced IYKWIM. Foreplay is important.

as for your question of whether this is sexual abuse............ Thats a bit of a can of worms isnt it ?

From what youve said so far there is verbal abuse in my opinion .

Would it be possible for you to see a counsellor (pehaps reccomended by GP etc ) ....Could you talk to your GP . What you describe sounds complicated and needs Time to explore .

Are you feeling a bit down ? Prehaps your self esteem isnt the best at the moment ?

Strongly suggest you seek more help than we can give here.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight Sun 24-Aug-08 10:28:16

How have you overstepped the mark? What have you done?
I think it sounds bullying, cruel and worrying in that he thinks he has rights to sex from you - nobody has the right to your body. I don't know whether you have gone through with sex under those conditions so I don't know if it's abuse or what - but it sounds like there's more to it than you say. Have you reported him or something?

Helennn Sun 24-Aug-08 10:37:15

This is a follow on from your previous threads on the issue is it not? I thought you had moved out of home in with your mum? Have you moved back home before resolving the issue?

To answer your question - no, I don't think it is sexual abuse, mental or verbal abuse maybe, but would have thought sexual abuse meant actually doing things to you, not just talking about it. Sorry if this is not what you want to hear, but this is obviously a major on-going issue in your life that you need to sort out once and for all, not just keep going without it being resolved.

LittleBella Sun 24-Aug-08 11:06:11

Of course it's abuse. You already know that. Refer your husband to the rape law which was changed in the nineties, making it possible for a woman to have her own husband charged with rape.

Sounds like you've got a lot of relationship issues going on which can't be solved by an internet forum, you need to go to relationship counselling if you want to continue in this particular relationship (though I personally wouldn't want to continue a relationship with someone who had so little respect for me that he laboured under the delusion that he had some kind of rights over my body).

BlaDeBla Sun 24-Aug-08 11:18:06

This may help you to clarify things. I'm sorry if I'm overstepping the mark. You shouldn't be coerced into having sex if you don't want to. Women are no longer the property of men.

littlemissworry Sun 24-Aug-08 17:37:13

Hi again; thank you for all the very helpful comments. What has happened is this: I have moved out of home and now staying with my parents as husband hasn't been good to me, eg threw a book at me last year, cannot have reasoned discussion without getting difficult, treated me as above in the bedroom, damaged property, lost cool in a school meeting. He is a vicar and I have written to the bishop to ask his advice on living arrangements. In the letter I spoke of sexual abuse and husband is now in some trouble. It wasn't meant at all to harm his job but in hindsight I think I've said too much, as not sure it's really sexual abuse as such. But in a way it is as I've felt intimidated and made myself go through with it on a regular basis.

Kally Sun 24-Aug-08 18:11:06

Gosh you'd think being a vicar he'd have a bit more grace. Sounds like an awful situation to be in... It is sexual abuse, even to be spoken to like that in what is supposed to be a relationship based on love and respect (when did that go out the door?). I can't help having this image now of an angry vicar in a cossack shouting at a bunch of frightened school teachers... sorry for you and I think you have great courage to take the steps you have taken. Well done.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight Sun 24-Aug-08 18:12:39

Oh hon that's horrible
If he made you feel obliged and guilty if you didn't have sex, and had sex with you knowing you were unwilling, then I would categorise that as sexual abuse. I know it's difficult but if you felt abused, and coerced, then trust your feelings. The key is whether he knew you were unwilling and coerced/blackmailed/'persuaded' you into having sex anyway.

dittany Sun 24-Aug-08 18:15:53

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheArmadillo Sun 24-Aug-08 18:20:18

if this is the man that continued having sex with you while you cried because you didn't want to then that is sexual abuse.

littlemissworry Sun 24-Aug-08 18:20:28

You are all such lovely, supportive people - THANK YOU smile. I have been in such a mess today as I have been made to feel that getting him into trouble is my fault, and I honestly didn't mean it to happen. I acted in good faith for the good of my children. It is such a HORRIBLE situation to be in. Luckily I have a fabulous therapist who I can talk to and I'm seeing him tomorrow so that should help.

squeaver Sun 24-Aug-08 18:21:39

lmw - from what you've said in your previous threads, I'm glad your husband is "in some trouble".

tbh, you've said it and deep down you know it's true so now it's his problem. Would I be right in saying that you're worried about this because your husband has brought it up and made you feel guilty??

You need to concentrate all your energy on getting you and your children out of this marriage.

I hope you don't thing I'm being harsh, just concerned about the effect this man as had on your psyche.

cocolepew Sun 24-Aug-08 18:22:07

Oh no! You were doing so well. He keeps on having intercourse when you are crying wanting it to stop. He is abusing your wishes and your body.

squeaver Sun 24-Aug-08 18:22:41

Sorry - x-posts there.

littlemissworry Sun 24-Aug-08 18:24:01

It is Armadillo, but I keep asking whether he knew if I was upset or not, maybe not. I am doubting so many things as some of it did happen a while ago. But I remember some things very cleary - like running off the bed in floods of tears afterwards at least once and maybe more. And I remember him saying once words to the effect of 'what's so difficult about sex anyway'.

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