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I thought we'd moved on completely, then I hear this...

(11 Posts)
Kally Fri 22-Aug-08 15:51:54

I have posted on here recently, so some of you know the situation I am in with regards to matters of the heart.

My present 'thing' is this:

I am divorced now since 2004. My ex is back in another country (where I lived most of my life when I married him). We were married 26 years, 3 kids. We just grew apart and eventually we drifted to the point of no return and he left me with 3 kids, no financial support and a whole heap of problems. Two older DC have grown up and I am now back in UK with DD3. Happy, going along with my little life. EX has little contact with DD3, occasional phone call and views on webcam etc. I hardly ever exchange conversation with him because he left us in such a pickle and never took responsibility or helped creating further hardship.

He had a few GF's after our divorce and I really hoped he would settle and be happy again. (He also had an affair 12 years into our marriage for about a year). OK all in the past.

There was news that he was re-marrying and I felt glad in many ways, nice lady (as per DS who is in contact with him). Then I hear he called it all off this week because he's not inlove with her. He said (I only ever loved one woman and that was (me))...

I didn't want to know that but the thought has been going around in my head all day and it's preoccupying me completely. Like I have done something wrong and bad. I don't love him anymore and quite frankly he drained me of every bit of energy I had (emotionally and financially), but 26 years is a long time and altho the tail end was rough, we never really sat down and discussed the development of what was about to take place when we separated. Like we had no closure to 26 years of being together and 3 DC together.

Why do I feel gutted and miserable about him still pining for me. I keep trying to think of all the rotten things I went through with him, and the sense of releif I had when we finally split. I have come a long way and recovered myself. Why these thoughts now? Anyone else ever felt or experienced this 'guilt trip thing'? Tell me how to deal with it.

HappyWoman Fri 22-Aug-08 16:10:24

Do you think there is a part of you that really wanted to hear it?

You are right 26 years is a long time and you must have really had something for it to have lasted that long in the first place. And i am sure those feelings dont just switch off automatically, and i am sure that you must feel something for him - even if it is just to not wish him to come to any harm iyswim.

No real advice though - sorry.

Kally Fri 22-Aug-08 16:49:56

No, I really don't want to hear it, because I guess I felt bad when our marriage fell apart. Altho he's been a total dick most of the time, I know he loved me, just couldn't grow up and was a totally spoilt brat all his life. I was the total opposite and had good staying power, always sorted things out and really he was like another kid.

I felt bad because I fell outta love with him and it took years for us to come to the point where we split. He split from our home, and I admired the guts it took to do that, but then I was in his country (not like I could go to my Mum and Dad or whatever). I think he thought I'd call him back, but I felt so relieved when he left. Maybe that is why I feel guilty. I felt like rubbing my hands with glee when he drove off. (I didn't of course and the ensuing hardship that occurred was a real tester for me but I got thru it).

His face keeps creeping into my head and I would love to be able to say to him that altho we'd never be together again it would be good for all involved if we could be 'civil', but I know it wouldn't stay at that. He'd want to get back into my life. I don't want that.

DD wants to go over to him and stay for a few weeks. (Gladly I have staved that off as summer hols are alomst over. I can't go there. I don't want hwer to be alone emotionally with all that situation and so have been against it until such time I can accompany her and be there for her as she goes thru the emotional part of it.

I have been toying with idea of asking him to come here (in order to see her), but it would be awful as I know he'd focus on me and I am totally scared of that. But is that fair?

DD is not pining for him, (infact she is quite angry with him as she grows and realises what went on) (I try not to 'baggage her up' with whole split up, but she is aware of his sillyness throughout). Gosh I was free and rid until yesterday when I heard that. He's no longer my responsibility is he?

HappyWoman Fri 22-Aug-08 17:16:36

without sounding fipant, sounds like most marriages i know (man still being like a child).
I really admire the fact that you did have the courage - but you seem to carry a lot of the guilt about it still.
You also seem to think he will 'get back' into your life - if the time has given you resolve then surely that wont happen.

Are you scared in some way to still have a relationship with him - maybe he really has changed and could now be the husband you need.

I say this as my h of nearly 20 years had an affair - but i truely do believe he has changed now and that is the only way our relationship can work.
However i too could see that if he 'failed' me again i would be very hard and there would be no more chances, and if this is the case then you need to protect yourself.

Hope you feel better about it soon though - those unanswered questions are awful as they go around in your head.

warthog Fri 22-Aug-08 17:33:45

i may be way off here, but is it possible that you are mourning the way the relationship could have been? i bet there were many times you would have loved to hear him utter those words, and now he's finally done it it's too little, too late.

you're left with the rosy hue of images of the life you might have had, had he always thought this. and then reality sets in and you remember that he really is a little shit.

sorry if i'm wrong..

lilacclaire Sat 23-Aug-08 15:06:25

Ah please don't feel guilty, you are NOT responsible for him.

I actually think that he has said this deliberately to get a final boot in and make you feel bad.

There were obviously other problems in his relationship anyway, you don't get to the stage of being so in love your ready to marry to just doing a U turn like that.

ConstanceWearing Sat 23-Aug-08 15:43:39

My XH1 told my DD's this when they went on holiday with him, about 7 years after we had divorced, and I was already with another DH.

I felt bad too, because I know what it's like not to be able to move on. It feels horrible. Then I thought to myself, when he told my girls "I still love your mum", he was talking about his variation of love, which is absolutely and completely selfish and not at all worth having.

And unless your XH's idea of 'love' is worth having, I would not bother feeling guilty. There's some kinds of love you don't have to feel guilty about not wanting, ime.

zippitippitoes Sat 23-Aug-08 16:01:45

my exh told me on the phone last year that he loved me and would always love me but he wasnt in love with me

that was a month after my exp whom i had been with for 8 years had left

i was with exh for the immediately preceding 23 years

he repeated it when he came over to the uk at xmas and we had a quick drink together when he confirmed he would lend me a considerable amount of money which he has done

i understand the feeling of not sure where this is leading us

ConstanceWearing Sat 23-Aug-08 16:15:02

Tbh, I think I would hate to feel beholden to either of my XH's, Zippi. It's like your independence has been encroached upon somehow.

Kally Sat 23-Aug-08 21:46:01

Its good to know others have experienced the same. True about 'which sort of loved he loved you' (which was the type that leads to disaster). That made me reflect and remember all the pain I went through with him and his 'love'. Actually I felt empowered and thought he could shove it where the sun don't shine!
Suddenly felt myself going back to the days of keep looking outta the window to see if he was back (when he was screwing about)... Funny how we get weak at times, almost gluttons for punishment.
I think sometimes I just feel like the survivor of an aircrash. I never beleived I would get out of that relationship and stikll stay in one peice mentally. Part of me still feels guilty over being so free and happy. I guess I'd like him to feel that too. Maybe also he said that (not to me but to a family member that I still have contact with on far shores)just to use me again as a trampoline for all his failings. Yes that is probably it.... foolish me for feeling sorry..

quinne Sat 23-Aug-08 22:50:50

Maybe he said it because it is what he thought his DS (and your DS) wanted to hear? Plus it excuses him having to state the real reason which may well be less honourable. Just a theory and could be completely wrong..

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