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20 year relationship needs to change

(17 Posts)
taxiservice Fri 22-Aug-08 12:51:46

We are going in cycles which are getting worse. This is how bad it's got. I don't want sex, just want sleep and to be alone. He wants it and does everything he can to push me into it. one night he threatened to punch me if I didn't come back in the room although he's never been violent before. I was awake til 3am last night and need my sleep for medical reasons. I just want some space.

I've had counselling in the past - conclusions were bs advice from someone half my age that just didn't get it. I find better advice here. We tried it together, he didn't like it, tried suggesting it for him alone, he refuses. All I can think of now is happy pills but I don't think that would be morally right - why me, why shouldn't he take drugs to change his behaviour?

We have always had a fiery relationship but it was manageable before we had kids (oldest now 10). I know you'll all say get up and leave, life's too short, you feisty lot (I've been on mn before but not for a while), but fact is after such a long time he has become part of me.

Sorry if this is a bit scatty and not well written.

Neeerly3 Fri 22-Aug-08 12:58:05

The scariest thing on that post and only thing that I can comment on really is him threatening to punch you if you didn't come back into the room. You sound upset and lost really so won't go down the 'pull yourself together woman and get shot of him' route BUT try reading back what you have written and then imagine it was written by someone else and then think about how YOU would reply to it.

I am sorry you are going through this, but it sounds as though you have both stopped communicating - he resorts to threats to get himself heard and you just retreat further back into yourself. One or both of you needs a wake up call that this can't continue and MUST change - perhaps a trial seperation?

I hope someone comes along soon with better more rounded advice.

timpanzee Fri 22-Aug-08 12:58:27

this is awful for you - have you tried finding other people in the same situation to talk to? I couldn't possibly give you advice as, as you say, my instinct would be to say please look after yourself and leave.

taxiservice Fri 22-Aug-08 13:08:01

Timpanzeee - Funnily enough I do seem to have a lot of friends in similar long term dodgy relationships and I do end up giving them sound advice. We have been sharing our woes for years (I've stopped that more recently as I see their OH's points of view more).

I have one friend who refuses to speak to him but she's a very very feisty woman (we're talking jo brand meets rhona cameron).

Neerly3 - I've done the self-reflection and need to take action you're right. We are at a stage where life changes such as housemoves, me going to work, him working from home, dd SEN issues getting bigger, secondary school choice, sick parents and possibly hormonal change of life nonsense that I don't even want to contemplate.

Eurgh.

timpanzee Fri 22-Aug-08 13:13:24

okay I take back my advice! it seems if there's too many of you in teh same boat then it may seem all a bit too normal. Please, please think about yourself and your kids. You deserve happiness, it won't be easy but it has to be worth more than this.

taxiservice Fri 22-Aug-08 13:26:47

No don't take back your advice, gut feeling is what I'm looking for as we've been together so long I don't know where his problems end and mine begin. I don't know who's right any more.

We've just come back from a great holiday - it was great because he was on his best behaviour (and me too, perhaps) because we were with friends. I've told him this but it hasn't made his treatment of me change back to what it was like on holiday.

maidamess Fri 22-Aug-08 13:42:18

Taxi, can I ask you, why don't you want sex? This seems to be at the crux of your problems.

maidamess Fri 22-Aug-08 13:43:09

Not blaming, btw, just asking.

taxiservice Fri 22-Aug-08 13:45:49

I do want it when he's nice to me but when he hurts me (emotionally) I feel a bubble around me and don't want him to touch me. Although the kids can get through the bubble.

taxiservice Fri 22-Aug-08 13:51:30

I'm just realising how when people are around he's reasonable but he does an awful lot of cold shouldering and ignoring and walking ahead of me and butting in my conversations almost as soon as backs are turned. He's actually a bit wierd - really he behaves in the way you would behave toward someone you really really don't like - want to get rid of.

taxiservice Fri 22-Aug-08 13:55:53

I'm finding my own answers here! I'm in a bit of a rush cos we are away tonight for a week.

But it may just be that he's pushing me into leaving him.

He gets defensive (about house and money) when separation is brought up and I think he really does love me on a very deep level - if he didn't care he wouldn't get so angry.

taxiservice Fri 22-Aug-08 14:00:53

Eureka! The part of me he loves is the part that has become him - over 20 odd years it's bound to be the case that we are intertwined (god knows our clutter and general stuff is).

So yes, he probably does want me to go. In which case I will (but watch this space please). I have a nice small house in the country with a big garden, veg patch, chickens and dogs waiting for me and the kids to fill it.

But who will put the bins out?

maidamess Fri 22-Aug-08 14:06:23

Have you asked him if he wants you to go? Its a big assumption to make.

taxiservice Sat 23-Aug-08 00:17:53

When the separation discussion comes up he says he's not going anywhere, I'm the one that's got to leave.

I did a runner with the kids about 2 years ago but he just followed me and pleaded and begged and said he loved me.

Yeyeayo Sun 24-Aug-08 10:24:08

Hiya Taxi - may I ask why you did a runner the last time?

girlnextdoor Sun 24-Aug-08 10:29:57

Just a note about the counselling you had- counsellors should NEVER give advice. if they do, they are not doing their job properly- counselling is about helping you to find out what would help-through your own thoughts.

I think you should try again with another person.

You sound very confused, tbh.

I am at a similar stage of life,but my DH would never threaten to hit me, ever, and if he did I would leave. Full stop.

No woman wants sex if they feel emotionally distanced- well, none who I know- but your problems seem deeper than that.

I do think that talking to a professional would help.

taxiservice Tue 02-Sep-08 13:58:10

Right we're back from hols and here's the next chapter.

After a week away we suddenly jelled again. The reason was that he was on his best behaviour because we were away with friends. So things were lovely for a few days but the minute we came back the negatives started to kick in again.

I'd like to add that the threat he made was words and not actions, and it was the only time in 20 years - I can't leave him for that but I added it because that was the worst moment so far.

So I'm starting to feel lost again, hoping that things don't just go back to what they were before holidays, but at the same time I'm still seeing the good things that we have together.

I'm also feeling very alone, I have lots of friends it's not that kind of loneliness, just the thought that I'd be a very odd person without him around - I'd feel part of me was missing and for that reason my relationships with my friends would change.

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