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Do I ask him for Money or not?

(15 Posts)
AmyWinehousesMum Fri 22-Aug-08 10:14:27

I left my x 14 months ago, he is extremely bitter and angry and still regularly bombards me with vile e-mails. He has visited the children about 7 times since we left.

If I'm honest, I am happy that he only comes ever 9 or ten wks or so. I dread his visits and I'm not encouraging him to be more involved. When he comes I rarely see him because my Mum does the 'handover'. He was very controlling and agressive, and I feel FREE of him. It is a weight off my shoulders which I still feel. I still regularly feel amazed I was brave enough to leave him.

SO... DO I ask him for money? He puts £1 a month in to my account each month. (he earns 70k) I have been managing up 'til now, with the help of my parents and brother.

But, the children are getting older and their needs are becoming more than just toys and food. My son has been accepted into a school that is about 20 miles away. It's a specialised school for children who don't speak and children with Aspergers. It would be great for him. There are SALTS and OTs there, and ratio of 3 adults to 8 children.

But I can't afford a car. I have been going over this in my mind for days now. Months really.

What would YOU do wise mumsnetters? I KNOW that he is their father and should pay some money towards their upbringing and education. BUT, I can't bear him and any contact or dealings with him make me physically sick. Literally, one of the e-mails he sent me recently, mocking me and belittling me and comparing me to more successful members of my family .. it made cry and get a headache and then I had a terrible cold. Not a coincidence.

I put this in relationships not lone parents because I don't think being a lone parent is relevant. It's the 'do I want to link myself/be beholden to somebody who makes me physically ill' aspect that is relevant here..

Also this thread will disappear in 90 days ! And he has in the past been known to find things I wrote on internet.

bethoo Fri 22-Aug-08 10:17:19

he has a parental duty to support his children financially whether or not you are together. if he earms that amount of money i cant believe you are getting £1!!! that is ridiculous!
have you considered the CSA?

themoon66 Fri 22-Aug-08 10:18:00

£1???? One pound???? One frickin pound???

What a barstard shock

beanieb Fri 22-Aug-08 10:18:09

Contact the CSA.

AmyWinehousesMum Fri 22-Aug-08 10:23:31

He is a bastard. And this is why to me it doesn't feel straightforward. He would amputate his limbs before he would willingly hand over any money to me, so although it's possible it would be a long hard battle with a controlling, angry, spiteful mentally unhinged man.

bethoo Fri 22-Aug-08 10:27:38

not if you got the CSA involved.
my ex has never contributed to our ds 17 months and i am expecting our dd in Oct. for me it is not worth going through CSA as i doubt i would get much anyway. though what pisses me off is that he pays for his first child to his previous marriage.

VinegarTits Fri 22-Aug-08 10:28:07

Contact the CAS, they will wortk out how much he needs to give you and he will pay it to them and they will pay it to you so no need to even have any contact with him.

TheUnsinkableMB Fri 22-Aug-08 10:29:25

Contact the CSA immediately!

Why on earth have let him get away with this for so long?

No extra contact with him will be needed, the CSA can sort everything out on the phone, they're his children too and he has a responsibility to provide for them.

I always thought along the lines of, its not my money its the dc's.
You should be fighting for every penny they deserve.

CuckooClockWorkOrange Fri 22-Aug-08 10:30:14

What happens to a man who violates the maintenance order? It's not longer taken straight out of their salary is it?

random Fri 22-Aug-08 10:35:26

Csa can order attachment to earnings?

twinsetandpearls Fri 22-Aug-08 10:39:14

FRom my experience nothing happens cuckooclockworkorange.

If you need the meoney ask for it. My dd father does not willingly pay and I don't need it so tbh I don't bother because I don't want to be in the position of relying on him for anything.

SueMunch Fri 22-Aug-08 10:55:24

Get on the phone to the CSA now.

The payment of £1 is probably his twisted idea of saying its not true that he doesn't contibute. I hope the CSA take him to the cleaners.

The only slight problem I have heard is that if the father is self-employed they tend to dodge things by hiding earnings or taking on cash-in-hand work.

What a sad, pathetic man.

shelleylou Fri 22-Aug-08 10:56:05

they can attach an order to his earnings so after tax and I maintenance will be the next to be taken.

AmyWinehousesMum Fri 22-Aug-08 14:34:01

I thought that the £1 was a two fingers "this is what you're worth" message. He probably tried to make it one pence but the bank said no, minimum s/o is £1.

TwinsetandPearls, I think you understand where I'm coming from. The thought of asking for money (EVEN money FOR the children, that they are ENTITLED to) would give him the power to say no to me.

clumsymum Fri 22-Aug-08 14:48:03

As a side issue, if your son needs to go this special school, your education authority should provide transport for him (I assume you are in England).

However, you are likely to find they don't just offer (in a bid to save public money), you HAVE to ask (or INSIST). I know this because my sister works in that capacity for a county council, and has the job of approving such applications.
So get on the phone to your L.E.A. and ask.

Also ring the CSA and ask them to get involved regarding MAINTENANCE for the children. He fathered them, and he has a DUTY to support them financially.

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