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God I hate DH when he is drunk

(22 Posts)
thisissoboring Fri 22-Aug-08 00:40:18

That's it really.

Sober,quite funny,intelligent,great with the children,bit moody,fairly easy going.

Drunk,can't stand him and it's just all so predictable and boring.

Went out with his bosses today on a jolly to the airshow,had a phone call at 7pm.
Hehad a drink with the boss and was now in the local with a couple of "drinking buddies",said he would get a taxi and be home by 8pm.

10.15pm,he staggers out of taxi,goes straight upstairs and collapses on the bed.

Then we have the usual thud thud through the ceiling,I go up and surprise surprise he has fallen off the bed.

This continues and he has now managed to get to the bathroom and undress himself.

Well done,give him a house point!!!

He is 47 fgs and has 2 young children.
He went to the best schools in South Africa and Belguim.
Got a masters at uni and has had a priviliged up bringing.
Me ,from a council estate and no private schools but have enough common sense to know when enough is enough.

Just came back from visiting the in laws and can see why he is like the way he is and I am by no means a party pooper but drinking too much is not always a good social situation.

DH was up with his parents and sister who was staying most night drinking champange and I took the children to bed and DH never came up once to see if I wanted to join them again downstairs.
(We were staying in a seperate annexe near the house)

When I asked him about this he says he sees me all the time and wanted some time with his parents and sister.

Bloody arrogant,selfish pig.

Yes,he likes his drink always has dine and I guess he is an alcoholic.
SO I have been told,it's an illness.

The only bloody illness I can see is a self absorbing,selfish,no respect attitude.
What he does when he drinks is pass an illness on to me of anxiety,worry,depression,hate,loathing,wanting to kill him or for him to hurt himself.
Also awful memories of the things he says and the things he does that irritate the hell out of me and they stay with you.
But not him,oh no,he will have forgotton it all by the morning.
All the joy of the drinking and none of the pain afterwards,he passes that on to me.

I know everyone is different and just want to say am not tarring everyone with the same brush.
That's how I see it as far as my DH is concerned.

HumpheryCushion Fri 22-Aug-08 00:42:25

How often does he drink to excess?

ThatBigGermanPrison Fri 22-Aug-08 00:43:32

You need a video camera. It might shock him into calming down.

thisissoboring Fri 22-Aug-08 00:44:27

He drinks maybe 5 nights out of 7,to excess I would say once a week.
By excess I mean can't stand properly and repeats himself and forgets things.

thisissoboring Fri 22-Aug-08 00:46:54

He has seen photos of himself looking really drunk ,water off a ducks back.

It's a socailable thing don't you know.

I was made to feel like a leper(sp) at his parents for not wanting the usual G&T at 6pm and the wine with every meal.

thisissoboring Fri 22-Aug-08 00:48:58

He just looked like a down and out crashed on the floor earlier in his best suit at the bottom of the bed.

Oh I was so proud!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It's pathetic and I hate him for it.

He has 2 great children who adore him and he just can't get his act together.

ThatBigGermanPrison Fri 22-Aug-08 00:49:19

Photos of yourself pissed with lots of other pissed people are nowhere near as shocking as a visual, audio recording of yourself tripping, repeating yourself, falling over outside your small child's bedroom, vomiting in the toilet, speaking to your wife like the dirt on your shoe ... he doesn't need to see what he looks like - he needs to see the way he is treating you and his home.

Ready4anotherCoffee Fri 22-Aug-08 00:50:09

sad for you

your dh sounds like my dh.

ollyop Fri 22-Aug-08 00:51:34

I understand. I divorced a man like that many years ago. I had two small children. Life got oh so much better without his sickening alcoholism affecting me. He's in his mid forties now and alcohol has wrecked him. Before we split I went to alanon meetings for families and friends of alcoholics. It was a big support in clearing my head.

thisissoboring Fri 22-Aug-08 01:09:34

Maybe I should video him.
Not sure how I would go about it.
Hewould be mad the next day to know I had done such a thing.

I ususlly give him an account of the night before and then follows the self pity and the I will never do that again.
Even whan I tell him the horrendus things he has said to me or how I can't sleep for the rest of the night(I usually sleep with the children in the spareroom) as I know he wil be up wandering looking for the bathroom and making a lot of noise.
I have brought the children downstairs with me and they aresleeping on the sofa.

I just heard him groaning,have I gone up to see if he is alright,sadly no.

I have rung alanon before but found they kept going on how I needed to support him and it was an illness.

Frankly I am passed that stage,put up with it for to long.
I have no support or sympathy for him.

My mother was ill through all of my life and she died 15 years ago.
She had an illness,she could hardly breathe most of the time without a ventolator and was in and out of hospitals most of my childhood.
She ended up in a wheelchair the last year of her life.

Now I know all about caring for people with an illness,his is self inflicted.

Harsh I know, but true.

ThatBigGermanPrison Fri 22-Aug-08 01:12:27

You need to video him, he would only be mad through shame. As he should be ashamed! It's awful that you have had to disturb your children so their drunken father doesn't disturb them.

Ready4anotherCoffee Fri 22-Aug-08 01:13:54

You are not alone, see here.

I get the self pity, and sadly that often develops into another binge out of 'I'm an awful husband because I said/did xyz'

thisissoboring Fri 22-Aug-08 01:25:18

I hate disturbing the children but feel more at ease when they are down here with me.

Thanks for the link R4AC-will have a read through the posts tomorrow.

Ijust readpart of one of your posts about the relief and I feel that just after he is got in the door and I have turned the lock.

1.For the fact he got home in 1 piece and 2 he did'nt make a scene and alert the neighbours.
Unlike christmas when he fell backwards in the drive and cut his head.
Or the time he came back from a week away with work and had cut his head banging into the tv stand in a hotel room.
Or the time he feel off the bed onto a glass and cut his arse.
See a pattern!!!!

ollyop Fri 22-Aug-08 07:00:27

I guess all alanon groups have their own dynamic.
There were a fair few of the stand by your man brigade at the group I went to, but hearing their stories and witnessing their self delusion only helped to cement my own resolve to get the hell out.

mou Fri 22-Aug-08 07:35:00

TISB, with you al the way, was gonna start a thread along these lines. finding it harder and harder to have a normal life. All the things he's said are buzzing in my brain, says he's sorry but 'can't' promise it won't happen again'. can't offer any advice but know what you are going through.

AttilaTheMeerkat Fri 22-Aug-08 07:52:21

"He is 47 fgs and has 2 young children.
He went to the best schools in South Africa and Belguim.
Got a masters at uni and has had a priviliged up bringing".

I would have to say "so?" to the above. Alcoholism is no respector of persons. Did he come from a family background of heavy drinkers, that is more relevant as sometimes this behaviour is learnt. There are always reasons as to why people descend into alcoholism. Those are his reasons, not yours to try and fix. He sounds though like he is not interested in tackling exactly why he started drinking to excess in the first place. He likely also underestimates the amount he drinks and is in denial as to the extent of the problem.

Videoing him drunk won't make any difference whatsoever; he has to want to seek help for his own self, you cannot make him.

The choice is ultimately yours as he seems to have made his. What's your role here in all this - many spouses end up acting as these people's enablers. You write that you were happy that he did not make a scene this time.

Growing up with a drunk dad is no picnic at all for your children; they will be affected by all this if they are not already. Children who grow up with an alcoholic parent can be more likely themselves to choose alcoholics as partners when they are adult.
What lessons are you both imparting to them here?. You are ultimately only responsible for your own self and your children, not him.

How many people in your real life circle know of his drinking problem, I reckon hardly anyone. This also survives on secrecy and shame.

You need support for your own self - you may want to contact Al-anon as they can help family members of problem drinkers.

beanieb Fri 22-Aug-08 07:59:56

While you are deciding what to do - check these people out al-anon

I was often told to get in touch with them when I was living with an alcoholic, but never did. I really regret it now as I have met lots of people who found their support invaluable. Your Husband doesn't have to go.

As Attila says you can't make him change, he has to do it himself and the more you try to make him the more likely he is to start hiding his problem.

SlartyBartFast Fri 22-Aug-08 09:00:33

exactly as atilla says.
you dont have to support him, you need to look for strength in your self.
good luck

Kally Fri 22-Aug-08 10:05:29

I came from a home where parents (mostly Mum) let drink dominate life.
Today I am 51. I hate boozers. WHy?
We never had any fun as a family, never planned anything, daytrips, beach, walks, etc... we always ended up sitting on the pub wall outside with a packet of crisps and a glass of pop.
We tip toed around Mum and Dad when they had had a few (expression I hate) eventually kept outta their way as we got older. They used to sit and binge at home in the end, it was a priority that over took everything, weddings, celebrations, Xmas... to get home and get the booze out.
Today? Out of a family of 5 kids, all different ages, only me and my oldest sister are not drinkers. The rest all have their lives dominated by alcohol, are married to alcoholics... and I see the same pattern going on again in the next generation. Such a bad scene.
Don't think of just how shitty it is for you... the kids are experiencing it too and are taking it with them forever. It is a total lack of consideration to impose this on anyone, however young and protected you think they are. The trouble is it is so common and so accepted these days. But it is wrong. You have to do something about it if not for yourself, then for your children and for their future. WOuld you want them to be like that? Well, by trying to protect them in your way, your really just messing it up further. The thing to do is get him dry and if you can't do that, then leave with the kids. Give them a chance. But I wouldn't waste too much time. From experience, it gets imprinted deeper and deeper as time goes on.

dittany Fri 22-Aug-08 10:15:51

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

thisissoboring Fri 22-Aug-08 11:30:10

Thanks everyone for your replies.

Will come back on later.

DH has taken the day off work and is still in bed at the moment.
No doubt with a sore head as usual.

wardrobemistress Fri 22-Aug-08 12:09:10

I was where you are 6 months ago.
I have an appointment with a solicitor at 3 this afternoon.
I wish you well.

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