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Long post sorry but sneaky bastard DP is pissing me right off and i think i should leave!!

(32 Posts)
Jodyray Thu 21-Aug-08 14:23:23

Some of you may remember that my DP told me back in Feb that he "didnt know if he loved me" a couple of weeks later he left me and ran back to his own property which is on the market (we had always lived at mine). I had to pick up the pieces for DD who is 5 and DS who was then 6m (he is now almost 1yr). In April he asked if we could give it a go again on the proviso that I move into his home for the Easter break (15 miles from my work, nursery and school meaning that in rush hour traffic I am doing all the pissing about!!!). Last month there was an accident on the motorway so i had to take the roads back it took me 3HOURS!! The kids were starving and screaming, DD had to get one of DS's nappies out so she could have a wee in the car cos there was nowhere for me to pull over. DPs response to this. Oh well these things happen. Its happened 3 times in the last 8 weeks!!!! Its now almost September and i am still living at his. The kids have minimal stuff here and my DD has hardly any toys. She is missing the comfort of her own home and to be honest I am too. The problem is DP wont relocate back to mine. He says if i go I am splitting up the family!!! DESPITE the fact that he says he still doesnt think that he loves me!!!!!! I keep planning on just leaving him to maybe give him a kick up the arse but i am so scared that its the wrong thing to do. I have no friends around here, my family all hate him for leaving in the first place then making us move here and the stupid thing is he works nearer to my home, plays footy 3 nights a week round the corner from mine so I dont get why he cant move. I think its the control thing in that I own my house and he owns his, but if he had pulled his finger out 2 yrs ago we could jointly own a property!! He has asked me to sell mine and so we have money and at least its one sold ready for when his sells. I am reluctant as if he fucks off for the 3rd time in this relationship my only security for the kids is gone!! His house is still on the market as we are still supposed to be getting something together...however I have just found some papers saying he has REMORTGAGED without telling me and is tied into this house for 2yrs. Therefore if i sell mine I am stuck here in this awful place!! This probably doesnt make any sense but I just need to rant it all out before my head explodes. I just dont know what to do. I am such a muppet for being so undecisive...please help!!!!!

beanieb Thu 21-Aug-08 14:26:25

If it were me, I would move back to your own home. If he won't come with you after you have tried to hard then it is HE who is splitting the family, or at least he should take 50% of the responsibility.

Seeing as you moving to his was only temporary then it shouldn't matter that you move back to your house.

Do you own it? Would there be any possibility of you selling and re-locating back to where you were before you moved to be with him?

RubySlippers Thu 21-Aug-08 14:26:27

if someone says they don't think they love you, then they don't

i speak from bitter experience

i think you need to move on from him

he isn't making a go of it is he as it is all on his terms

relationships thrive on compromise and compassion IMHO

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight Thu 21-Aug-08 14:27:02

Ummmm.....

go home, for goodness sake. You and the kids hate it there, he's not sure if he loves you, you need your security, he's playing silly buggers and doesn't respect your efforts, he's doing financial deals without including you.

Don't leave to 'give him a kick up the arse', leave and go home to allow him to decide whether he is able to commit to you and the kids, whilst rebuilding your lives/routines etc. If he can't, you will be in a safe and secure place to move on.

Jodyray Thu 21-Aug-08 14:29:50

Yes I own my own home. Its near all my family, friends, work, school, nursery and I was happy there. He obviously wasnt! Deep down, I do know that i should go its just the actual doing it!

RubySlippers Thu 21-Aug-08 14:32:17

get a friend to help you

do it over the weekend

anticipation of doign soemthing like this is hard, but you will feel so much better once you are back in your own home

tiredemma Thu 21-Aug-08 14:32:49

GO HOME!!

mankymummy Thu 21-Aug-08 14:34:32

Go back home.

He hasnt given you a decent reason why you need to live at his and its obviously inconvenient.

I'm sorry to say this but if he says he's not sure if he loves you and is behaving like this saying you will split up the family if you move back, I think he's pushing you to make the split so he doesnt feel so guilty.

Think of the kids now... whats the best thing for them?

PinkChick Thu 21-Aug-08 14:35:23

right, he is behaving like a stupid spoiled teenager..ofcource you should move back to your own/your childrens own home, if he cant make up his mind about being an adult, leeave him to it!..Your children ar the most important thing, not this idiot!, he's messing up his children to suit him!..pack your things, get your children all settled back at home before school starts again and tell him he should stay there and grow up, after all he's got 2 years now in which to do it in his own house!..what a tit ! (him not you)

clumsymum Thu 21-Aug-08 14:36:35

Well, his commitment to his bricks and mortar is obviously stronger than his commitment to the happiness of you and his kids.

Go. Once he is at work, pack it all up and move back into your house. When he comes home, you will be gone.
When he rings to ask why, tell him that you and the children are happier in your house. That's 3 to 1, so on a purely democratic basis you need to live in your house. Then point out that on a practical basis, your house makes more sense too.
Finally tell him you are sick of his arsing about, and he needs to decide whether he is with you or not.

Good luck.

heymammy Thu 21-Aug-08 14:36:50

Agree with the others...go home! and do not be persuaded to sell your house under ANY circumstances sad for you

beanieb Thu 21-Aug-08 14:38:05

maybe you should tell him 'I don't love you anymore' and leave him just like he did with you. I'm sure he wouldn't miss the Irony!

SammyK Thu 21-Aug-08 14:38:07

go home

you will feel relieved when you finally do it I promise smile

It sounds like you have a lovely support network around you at your house, and that your kids would rather be there too.

He is a twat BTW.

sparkletoes Thu 21-Aug-08 14:38:07

Please, please go back to your own place, why is he getting it all his way when everyone else is miserable?? That is not fair and he is an arse by sounds of it. You are lucky to have option of moving out so use it!! YOU DESERVE BETTER and so do the kids he needs to grow up so leave him to it. Good luck xx

lilacclaire Thu 21-Aug-08 14:38:45

He can't have much consideration for you or the children to be putting you through this.
Go home now.

TheHedgeWitch Thu 21-Aug-08 14:39:59

Message withdrawn

Buda Thu 21-Aug-08 14:40:13

go go go!

The underhandedness of remortgaging his house would worry me as well as the selfishness. And how dare he say he doesn't know if he loves you! You are worth so much more.

My marriage is far from perfect but I know fine well DH loves me and DS and puts US first in everything he can. You and your children deserve the same.

Jodyray Thu 21-Aug-08 14:40:24

I spoke to my dad this morning he also said i should do it while DP is at work so he cant stop me or lay any more guilt on me. My mum said she will watch the kids on Tuesday so dad can help me move my stuff. Then the kids dont see stuff being packed up. Even the dog will be happier!! He keeps soiling in this house!!!

BitOfFun Thu 21-Aug-08 14:40:36

I've got to agree with the advice you've been given - I feel so sad for you, and angry. I think you should go home and get you and the kids settled - in my book he would need to do some serious crawling to be allowed to move back in with me too. I know it's not easy for you because you are stuck in the middle of it all, but as an outsider, it really sounds like it's time to leave this indecisive selfish twit.

MascaraOHara Thu 21-Aug-08 14:41:10

go home, he sounds very controlling... and you sound like you can do just fine without him.. you deserve better.. and your children deserve to be happy.

Jodyray Thu 21-Aug-08 14:41:36

BeanieB you just made me laugh out loud!!!

PinkChick Thu 21-Aug-08 14:43:59

good at least your own family sound nice and caring, stick with them, you will be doing the right thing..leave hima note saying YOU are putting your children first for once and refuse to play this game any longer, hes trying to push you to see how much you will give up for him!!!..he knows were you'll be if he comes to his senses!..reminds me of that beaustiful south song 'A little time'!smile..let him know YOU dont know how YOU feel anymore and his bringing it up has made you realsie this..so he should give you some space!, see how the shit likes it then! and then YOU can have a good hard think about wether this IS what you want or not..good luck.x

Jodyray Thu 21-Aug-08 14:46:59

I gotta nip out but i will be back on later so i will just tell you something else bfore i go! Another row we had recently is that he has decided its 'difficult' in this relationship cos DD is not biologically his, even though he has known her since she was 2!!! On holiday he had a go at me saying i spoil her and that if i carry on...she will be pregnant by the time she is 14!!!! As you can imagine i was disgusted. He tried blaming alcohol after he initially pretended not to remember saying it, but those words spin around my head everyday and i feel for her sake i need to go. angry

elkiedee Thu 21-Aug-08 14:48:11

What everyone else has said, move back into your own house.

TheUnsinkableMB Thu 21-Aug-08 14:50:14

"DD had to get one of DS's nappies out so she could have a wee in the car cos there was nowhere for me to pull over."

1st deal-breaker for me, 2nd when he re-mortgages his house and doesn't have the decency to even tell you about it.

Go home!

Its one thing to mess you about, but messing dc's about is no laughing matter.

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