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Have I nipped this in the bud?

(77 Posts)
budnipper Thu 21-Aug-08 10:03:34

A new person started working at the same place as DH about 6-8 weeks ago, a woman who DH described to me as built like a brick shit-house and looks like a man. In the type of work DH does, this didn't surprise me as it's quite a physical job and I think you would need some muscles (or so to speak) to do it.

DH seemed to hit it off with her straight away and from what DH had said about her, she seemed to me to be really nice, just one of the lads.

Quite quickly she began confiding in DH about her relationship with her B/F who is supposedly an alcoholic and not very nice to her. She also started to get DH to do little favours for her like taking her wages around to her mums house (she lives down the road from us) on his way home. I didn't think anything of this except that she must be bloody trusting of someone she's only known for a couple of weeks. DH mentioned a tv series that he really liked so she gave him 3 video box sets to keep of that series.

Earlier on this week DH had a car accident close to work when he was on his way home. He was on a half day as he had an appointment to get to. This woman very kindly lent him her car for the afternoon, telling him he would have to pick her up at the end of her working day and that she might be able to borrow her sisters car for a few days so that he could have hers.

DH's neck was stiff and sore by the time he got home so I drove him to his appointment and then drove him to his work to fetch this woman. DH walked in before me and she was all beaming smiles to him, when I walked in her face just dropped. The look on her face said it all and suddenly everything became clear. All her over the top niceties seemed to have good intentions but I really don't think they were, not judging by the look on her face. This was the first time I had met her and she was far from the ugly man-a-like that DH had described.

Yesterday DH phoned me on his mobile by mistake. I listened at first because I thought it was funny hearing him talking to himself but then I could hear her voice too. I heard him talking to her in the same stupid voice that he talks to me in, and just talking to her in a way that I've never heard before. At one stage she got a bit of dust in her eye (yeah right!) and the concern he had for her was unbelievable. It actually made me feel sick hearing my husband talking to another woman with such a closeness that obviously I thought only he and I had.

When I picked him up and asked him about his day he lied and told me that he had been working all afternoon with one of the other guys.

Not being able to bottle it up I confronted him last night. He says that there is absolutely nothing going on, he doesn't fancy her and didn't realise he was talking to her inappropriately. He says that now he thinks about it, and with other things that have happened at work (like her shifting a cardboard box and saying to him "ooh my box is all damp"), that possibly she fancies him and that he has enjoyed the attention. He has assured me that that is as far as it has gone and it all ends now. From now on she's just a work colleague and will try his hardest to keep it that way (ie only talk to her about work related things).

Should I be worried? Have I done enough to nip this in the bud. I feel like I'm being tortured knowing that my husband is at work with this woman right now.

claricebeansmum Thu 21-Aug-08 10:07:47

I think that perhaps your DH has been naive. He has enjoyed this woman's company in as much as she is a fun colleague but he has not realised that there may be more to it from her point of view.

The fact that he has not tried to hide anything and been open and honest "didn't realise he was talking to her inappropriately" I think sounds as though he has been naive.

I would be upset and angry but I think you have nipped this in the bud.

liahgen Thu 21-Aug-08 10:07:55

didn't want to read and run, but sounds to me like you have got there in time.

So long as he knows what is on her mind now, (women are cunning creatures and men don't always notice imo)

Hope it's ok for you

Overmydeadbody Thu 21-Aug-08 10:10:02

Do you trust your DH?

We are all going to face situations, once we are in monogamos relationships, where we meet other people we fancy. It's whether or not we act on those feelings that is important.

Hopefully your DH is from the camp of people who, despite having some attraction to other people, knows how to control himself, ditach himself and stay faithful to you.

LongLiveCuckoo Thu 21-Aug-08 10:10:49

At least now he knows he can't even fancy somebody without you knowing. He'll be unable to delude himself that they are just friends and that he's doing nothing wrong.

LongLiveCuckoo Thu 21-Aug-08 10:12:14

I mean yes, I think you've probably nipped it in the bud. Describing her as a she-man from the second he met her shows a bit of cunning though. I'd watch out for that. He was paving the way for deceipt imo. BUT I don't think he will cheat with her now. He knows you're on to it.

budnipper Thu 21-Aug-08 10:14:57

Thats exactly what I said to him that I wasn't worried that he'd been having or would be having a quick bit of nookie with her but am worried about what would be going on in his head. Being female I know the ways and tricks of getting inside a mans head and I told him that being a 'dumb' male it would creep up without him knowing and bite him on the behind.

I feel so hurt that he has ruined something that I thought was special just between us (the stupid voices we do to each other).

budnipper Thu 21-Aug-08 10:20:21

He did seem genuinely upset that he'd hurt me so much. He still claims not to fancy her and says he still thinks she's ugly and looks like a man. (she doesn't though).

I did trust him, not really sure what to think now though. I trust him not to go and have a meaningless shag with someone but it does worry me that I've had to step in and stop what could have become an emotional affair and then something else. I feel he should know not to get too close to someone when you're married.

LongLiveCuckoo Thu 21-Aug-08 10:21:19

He shouldn't run her down to make you feel better. It's not really about her. I hope he gets that.

Overmydeadbody Thu 21-Aug-08 10:23:05

budnipper, whatever you do or may have done, and even if you feel you have stepped in and stopped anything from happening, if they ^wanted to have an affair, what you have done would not actually stop it from happening anyway.

I'm not saying they will or were even considering it, just that if they had been, hypothetically, there is nothing you could do to stop it.

You just need to trust your DH, and I'm sure you can. Men don't always cheat just because the opportunity arises.

Overmydeadbody Thu 21-Aug-08 10:24:21

and men are not stupid or naive of the ways of women, he probably did know she fancied him and was enjoying the attention.

lilacclaire Thu 21-Aug-08 10:25:01

I can definetly see it from the 'dumb' male side, but I would be very hurt and angry also.

I think he would be taking it as work place banter and also think she is a nice person lending him the car etc, he probably wouldn't read anything else into it. (us women know better though wink.

Now you have made him aware, he will probably end up feeling a bit uncomfortable around her and do a bit of avoiding I would imagine.

And maybe she looks she-man compared to you?

skidoodle Thu 21-Aug-08 10:28:31

I'd find it easier to believe that he was unaware of her charms if he hadn't lied to you about who he'd been working with that afternoon when he was flirting cosily with her.

It suits men rather too well for women to go on believing that they're dense and oblivious to women's wiles. Somehow you've both agreed that the problem is with HER even though he's clearly been encouraging and lying to you.

I don't think there's anything much else you can do now other than see what happens. At least he seems to be a shite liar...

budnipper Thu 21-Aug-08 10:38:59

I really want to trust DH. I have been married before and that marriage ended because exH had an affair with someone we knew. So in one way I feel I now have the benefit of hindsight because I can remember how it all started with my exH, which I didn't know at the time what it was or what it meant but I can see similarites now. (Does that make sense?). But that experience is also going to hinder me because right now I'm feeling like 'here we go again', and I'm building a wall around myself as a barrier ready to brace myself for the worst.

Knowing what I've been through in the past I just can't believe DH's behaviour, making me feel like this again.

DH is obviously still saying not nice things about her to try and make me feel better but it doesn't. I would rather he was just honest with me and say "I found her attractive I enjoyed the attention but it went too far". I think to some degree he does know it's not about her, that he's the one who has a wife so it's up to him to make it clear that he's not interested and is unavailable.

It still doesn't make me feel any better though. My heads all over the place.

branflake81 Thu 21-Aug-08 10:40:06

I don't think there is anything wrong with him fancying her. Just because he loves you and is committed to you it doesn't mean he won't find other women attractive.

The key is what he does (or doesn't) do about it. I think he enjoyed her attention and she his but I doubt very much he would have gone any further and I think you have nipped it in the bud from the sound of things by waking him up a bit.

budnipper Thu 21-Aug-08 10:44:02

Up until yesterday I actually had a bit of a laugh about her fancying DH because obviously I thought it was all one-sided. I had no idea that he was enjoying and slightly encouraging it.

And yes the fact that he lied does seem to make it not quite as innocent as it first seemed.

budnipper Thu 21-Aug-08 10:46:01

Branflakes I agree there is nothing wrong with him fancying her or anyone else as long as he stays physically and emotionally faithful to me.

budnipper Thu 21-Aug-08 10:47:49

And I don't disagree with a bit of harmless flirting but what I heard yesterday was more than that. She was playing him and he was lapping it up. The closeness and easyness of it all sent shivers down my spine.

Flightlite Thu 21-Aug-08 10:57:07

Yes, I would be more concerned about the fact he lied about that afternoon. That's a bit suss really.

I think you have a pretty strong idea of the extent of it though from what you say - ie you are onto it before anything else has happened.

Hopefully this will nip it in the bud.

It does sound as though she fancies him more than vice versa, though.

The silly voices thing would hurt, I can imagine sad

I know a few married couples, but usually only speak with the woman and try to avoid spending time alone with the man - however there is one couple where the man contacts me quite often, will come round to my house etc and just seems to like having conversation - at times it feels rather intimate, almost as though we are flirting but we're not, well I'm not anyway - just sharing jokes and being silly. It makes me feel uncomfortable and I often wonder if the woman feels concerned about it too. I initially did rather find him attractive but now that has faded off and I don't fancy him at all - I'm fond of him but I don't initiate contact and try to detach myself when he does so that he doesn't get the wrong idea.
I don't think he wants an affair or anything but I do worry that he seems to enjoy my company a bit too much, and having been there as a mistress in the past I would do pretty much anything to avoid a similar situation again.

I suppose what I'm trying to say is that there are degrees of intimacy, and of motive. I would bet anything that this thing between your partner and his female friend is a passing fantasy, which won't lead to anything - however I'd be very concerned that he lied to you. That's something I'd find hard to deal with in a relationship.

Flightlite Thu 21-Aug-08 11:02:09

Cross posted with you there, yes, the easyness of it might mean nothing - it is like that with me and my male friend, I think it's quite easy to slip into 'intimacy' when you share a mental link or a sense of humour with a colleague or friend.

I wonder if this man's wife would find it horrid to hear us talk and laugh like we do, but at the end of the day nothing happens and nothing will, perhaps it is just an outlet from a very secure, long standing marriage that cannot possibly cover all bases in terms of getting along - I mean there will be other people outside the marriage that provide different mental connections etc.

I think you are safe. I think if he describes her as a man-type woman that indicates he finds her interesting and has a sort of connection with her but wouldn't want it to progress in real terms.

budnipper Thu 21-Aug-08 11:16:19

Although hopefully I have nipped it in the bud how do I get over the fact that he has lied and has really hurt me?

He also described her last night as a 'close friend', which he quickly revoked and said he hadn't meant what he said just said it without thinking.

How can he call someone a close friend that he's only known for a few weeks? I asked him if he would be comfortable with me classing a male work colleague as a close friend when I had only known them for a few weeks and he said 'no'.

Flightlite Thu 21-Aug-08 11:18:44

Ok, perhaps you two need to talk very frankly.

It sounds like there could be something underlying his behaviour - maybe he is feeling unhappy about something else, maybe there is a communication gap in your relationship that means he is afraid you wouldn't understand certain things when in reality you would - I'd suggest relate but that might be unnecessary.

Do you feel you can tell him how much it has hurt - sit down, non confrontationally, and discuss honestly how you both are feeling?

It might help.

budnipper Thu 21-Aug-08 11:20:58

Not sure to be honest. He got so angry with me last night, like I should somehow feel sorry for him.

Flightlite Thu 21-Aug-08 11:22:26

I'd suggest leaving it a few dayys till things have calmed down, in that case.

He should not be angry with you about this.

That's not fair.

budnipper Thu 21-Aug-08 11:38:07

I just really don't know what to think or to feel right now. Should I believe that he has been as naive in this as he's making out? Should I be cross with him for not handling this situation better?

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