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My DP is a transvestite and I don't think I can carry on

(26 Posts)
quackquackquack Wed 20-Aug-08 17:25:30

I always knew he was in touch with his female side, but his behaviour lately has made me want to leave. I didn't sign up for this, and I don't want it.

I moved in with him about a year ago after two years together. No sooner had I moved in with him than he stopped coming to bed at the same time as me, and started sleeping on the sofa. He said he just likes his own space, he only sleeps about three hours a night and this way he can drink coffee and smoke all night without disturbing me. So he said, anyway.

One evening he put a pair of my knickers on for a laugh. Thing was, he said he liked it and started wearing them around the house. I found it slightly disconcerting but put it down as a passing phase (he is openly bisexual and talks about sexual experimentation a lot, though in reality doesn't do anything except go to work and plays on his Wii and watches Most Haunted when he gets home).

He started to Veet all of his body and bought an epilator. Again, I went along with it thinking he was just being a bit vain.

I discovered parcels arriving from various online lingerie companies, but they were never gifts for me, and I never saw what they contained, and didn't really dare ask.

Then one day I got in early from work and found him sat at the computer in full basque, stockings and high heeled boots. He looked shocked but came out with "now you know what I do when you're not here. You look like you don't really dig it."

No shit, Sherlock.

Latest thing, I have discovered ladyboy porn in the house and make up which doesn't belong to me.

Our sex life has been non-existent since he started sleeping downstairs, but he swears he still loves me and doesn't want anybody else (of either sex).

I want to leave, but I know he would be devastated - he's not very sociable and I'm his only lifeline with the outside world apart from work. However, I'm not comfortable with it, I don't want to go out with a woman, I'm not gay. But I feel guilty for not being... open-minded enough. He says I should just accept him however he is, and I am being a prude.

I don't know what to do.

onceinalifetime Wed 20-Aug-08 17:28:18

Not sure what to suggest but I couldn't cope with it either. Sorry, but it would be over as far as I was concerned, particularly as he doesn't seem willing to discuss the situation and thinks that you've just got to accept it and that's that.

BecauseImWorthIt Wed 20-Aug-08 17:29:31

It's something about him you didn't know before you moved in. Nothing to do with not being open minded, it's just something you don't like.

Move on, I'm afraid.

quackquackquack Wed 20-Aug-08 17:30:10

He keeps talking about how depressed he is, but he's smoking weed all the time - he grows his own - which I think is only making it worse for him socially.

But weed doesn't turn you into a cross-dresser!

Communion Wed 20-Aug-08 17:30:52

It sounds like the relationship is not good anyway and the transvestitism will just be the last straw.

It would need to be a very strong relationship to get through is, it doesn't sound like it is.

BecauseImWorthIt Wed 20-Aug-08 17:33:24

And growing his own stuff - illegal, whereas TV isn't.

What's to like about this guy?!

quackquackquack Wed 20-Aug-08 17:33:59

I don't understand why he waited until I moved in to come out into the open with all of this.

Had I had honesty at the start I would still have my flat and not be caught between living with a cross dresser or having to move out of my home.

I'm really angry, actually.

onceinalifetime Wed 20-Aug-08 17:34:31

A hairless, weed smoking transvestite who sleeps on the sofa, doesn't want sex and spends his time playing on a wii, watching 'Most Haunted' and looking at ladyboy porn hmm - he's gotta go.

Overmydeadbody Wed 20-Aug-08 17:37:16

I'm not surprised you're angry tbh, he should have been open and honest with you from the start.

Judt because you don't dig it, doesn't mean you are a prude or that what he is doing is wrong, it just doesn't float your boat so don't feel guilty.

And as for what to do, you need to put your needs and wants ahead of how leaving may impact on him. That is his problem for him to sort out and deal with. Don't stay with him bcause you feel guilty or like you are all he has. It's your life too and you both need to be with partners who are compatible.

quackquackquack Wed 20-Aug-08 17:47:24

It sounds weird to see it written down, like you couldn't make it up.

He is actually a gentle, spiritual, sensitive guy which is what attracted me to him in the first place. I'd never met a guy who was a reiki channel and a qualified masseuse. He'd done so much interesting stuff, and taught me loads about meditation, made me open my eyes to lots of things.

Is it possible that he could be having some kind of mental breakdown due to the excessive weed-smoking and coffee drinking? Or could it be mid-life crisis? Or is this tendency to cross-dress just going to be there always?

zippitippitoes Wed 20-Aug-08 17:49:02

gosh you couldnt make it up could you

PrettyCandles Wed 20-Aug-08 17:53:16

trip trap

theinsider Wed 20-Aug-08 17:54:09

hmm Lingerie arriving but you didn't like to ask?

Overmydeadbody Wed 20-Aug-08 17:55:02

shit, I can't believe I took it seriously!

donnie Wed 20-Aug-08 17:55:24

yes I was thinking the same zippi.

FWIW a friend of mine used to married to a man whom she later discovered to be TV and she left him. I remember advising her to leae him and she never regretted it.

olympicsnotfederer Wed 20-Aug-08 17:56:03


just all a bit too "put together"

zippitippitoes Wed 20-Aug-08 17:57:17

definitely no one should under estimate the dangers of excessive coffee drinking

i did put those to my psychiatrist recently and he put the tips of his fingers together in praying motion under his chin which only goes to show how seriously he takes that kind of behaviour

Bobbiewickham Wed 20-Aug-08 17:58:28

I think he sounds fab.

Hold onto that man! You'll never find another one like him.

He might even let you borrow his stuff.

priceyp Wed 20-Aug-08 17:59:30

I think it was "most haunted" that did it for me, no one watches that hmm

nappyaddict Wed 20-Aug-08 18:00:17

was he a TV before you moved in? maybe he's only just started doing it?

donnie Wed 20-Aug-08 18:01:03

maybe you could start wearing his stuff QQQ and taking testosterone shots. Do a swapsie.

MrsStig Wed 20-Aug-08 18:02:16

quack, are you related to reallyboredhousewife?

quackquackquack Wed 20-Aug-08 18:24:01

Not a troll, seriously. I knew you'd say that, it's too ridiculous for words, I know. Have just had a long time to think about what he's been doing. I didn't say anything because I suppose I was in denial about what he was doing - if I was faced with the truth of what was really going on then I'd have to do something about it, and to be honest, I was undecided what to do if it really was happening.

I've seen a sexual health counsellor about this - not recently, but when he first started sleeping downstairs. He'd only come up when he wanted sex (which was never of the particularly normal kind), and I really just couldn't get in the mood. He didn't refuse to come to the counsellor with me, but let me know in no uncertain terms that he didn't agree with them and that they spoke a load of baloney.

Nappyaddict, I'm not sure if the cross-dressing went on before, but he has mentioned when I've tried to end things in the past that his previous three girlfriends have all left because of the sleeping on the sofa.

quackquackquack Wed 20-Aug-08 18:26:05

And I don't mean the cross dressing is caused by the coffee drinking hmm, but is it not a vicious circle that he smokes weed which would make him drowsy, drinks coffee to keep him awake and so his sleeping is fucked because of it - sleep deprivation = slightly mental?

notanotherbloomingnamechanger Wed 20-Aug-08 19:44:11

I had a friend whose boyfriend turned up to bed one night wearing tights, just because he liked the feel of them.

She ran a mile, immediately. No dithering. I would advise you to do the same. If you're not happy, get out.

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