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DH doesn't understand why I am so unhappy and thinks I should "think differently" Sorry - long one

(4 Posts)
Lonelyxpat Wed 20-Aug-08 13:13:20

A while ago we moved abroad with DH's job. On one level it has been positive. I actually found a good job quite quickly and dc has settled really well. There are lots of advantages of being where we are and I have no real desire to move back to UK. DH does (mostly) his fair share of household stuff and helping/playing with dc so I can't really complain there.

But he never has any impetus to go out, or do anything/organise anything. I could suggest popping out for a drink, or doing something on a Saturday and he just wouldn't be bothered. He has always been a bit like this, so on one level I'm used to it and though it winds me up occasionally I pick my moments and get a babysitter or make him have a family day out and he enjoys himself. In the UK I had lots of friends to go out with too though.

Since we moved it's got more difficult - I have found it really hard to meet people. Most of my team at work are men in their 50s, and whilst they're perfectly nice I don't really have much in common with them so I don't get much of a social life at work. The networking groups around all seem to be aimed at young single people eg clubbing, speed dating, drop everything trips at the weekend.

DH on the other hand seems more than happy. His team are all young and like a night out. And annoyingly he's more than happy to go out with them - trouble is partners hardly ever get invited. It's not every week, or even every month but we can?t afford a babysitter that often so I start to feel that he has a social life and I just sit in front of the TV and feel resentful as to why he's not so happy to do things with me.

As a consequence I started drinking more. I always did like a glass of wine, but now it seems to have reached silly levels. This has caused me to put on weight and has got to the point where I am finding it very difficult to stop. DH is very unimpressed, both by the weight and the fact I am probably pissed most nights now and this had led to arguments. He is one of these people who apparently doesn't "believe" in dependency or depression and just thinks you need to stop/change the behaviour and get on with it. Recently he has been on a bit of diet and cut back his beer to one can a night. I'm not sure if he is trying to set a good example or using it like a weapon to beat me with - "look, see I can do it"... This is making me even more anxious and worried about the situation.

I know that is me that needs to resolve the drinking issue - that he can't do it for me - and that he can't make friends on my behalf either. But am I being unreasonable to think that he could try to understand why I feel like I do? As time has gone on I've felt more lonely and isolated and seem to have lost all my confidence in speaking to new people - it was never an issue before. I have started feeling really anxious, and recently am having trouble sleeping and panic attacks. He does not seem to be able to offer support as he doesn't seem to think it is necessary - as in I should just get on with it and if I'm worrying about something I should go and do something else to take my mind off it. Trouble is that something else is usually the chardonnay.

He has no real comprehension of how bad I feel though - I really have lost my perspective and don?t know what the main issue is. Do I drink because I?m unhappy or does the drink make me unhappy? Am I justified in being unhappy under the circumstances or is this depression that I should seek treatment for or am I just being pathetic and need to make more of an effort? Is DH being a bit of an selfish arse or is it me? Any advice gratefully received...

unavailable Wed 20-Aug-08 14:06:26

It is a real vicious circle.Alcohol is a depressant and although alot of people use it to enhance their mood it will exacerbate any underlying depression you may be suffering from. Are you able to discuss this with your GP? They may be able to refer you on for counselling to explore the issue, or prescribe a short term of anti-depressants. Making small changes in your routine at times you are most likely to drink could be useful - go for a walk, do some yoga, have a relaxing bath or make a call to a friend - anything that postpones picking up a drink. Ask your dh for help in this.
Good luck.

Lonelyxpat Wed 20-Aug-08 14:12:45

DH won't help - that's half of the problem. He doesn't think I need "help" - I should just "stop" drinking and "stop" being miserable....My GP does not speak good English so I'm not sure how well I can explain issues like this.

Buda Wed 20-Aug-08 14:16:57

You can stop the drinking you know. Or at least cut down. Try drinking spritzers at least.

You say you have DC? Have you not met anyone through school/nursery?

Is there an expat women's group where you are? They are a lifeline usually.

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