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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Cheat or not a cheat? That is the question?

42 replies

imconfusedme · 20/08/2008 11:03

I am a namechanger for this.

I've always thought that dh would NEVER cheat, but something over the last 12 hours has sown the seed of doubt.

Last night dh went out with the lads for a few drinks. He came home quite late (I'm not bothered about that) with a friend of mine who stays over occasionally. For the first half hour or so they were talking very loudly etc then it all went eerily quiet, after a short while I thought I heard noises and then a small grunt (when partner thrusts etc .

Went downstairs this morning and she was on the sofa and said that DH had fallen asleep on the other sofa and was snoring his head off. Usually when dh has had a drink his snoring eminates throughout the house and I heard NOTHING.

Could I be reading into something that is not there?

OP posts:

Report

HappyWoman · 20/08/2008 11:10

I know men are a bit thick - but would they really do it whilst you are upstairs?
Unless they really do want to get found out - and if they do then you will somehow know soon.
Why did you not go and investigate? or do you already know but are too afraid of finding out?

BTW - if you are in anyway uncomfortable with this friend sleeping there then you should say something anyway.

Remotew · 20/08/2008 11:12

Is it normal for him to bring this friend home and sleep in the same room as her. Sorry if I misunderstood. Did he come up to bed at all?

QuintessentialShadows · 20/08/2008 11:13

So, last night it sounded like they were having sex on the sofa. Why did you not go downstairs and check?

LadySalisbury · 20/08/2008 11:14

I think your suspicions are right.

Sounds like they did the deed thinking you were asleep.

QuintessentialShadows · 20/08/2008 11:16

I would be blunt.

Say something like, "So, I witnessed you guys having sex last night"

He wouldnt know you havent looked. If he HAS had sex and think you have seen it, he would know it is no point lying, so he will have to fess up".

If they DID NOT have sex, he will look at you with an open mouth, and say "You gotta be kidding me, we chatted and fell asleep"

themoon66 · 20/08/2008 11:16

Check the sofas for pubic hair, stains etc? Sorry

OneLieIn · 20/08/2008 11:17

So, were you upstairs listening? If so, why didn't you go downstairs?

Sounds like you think they did have sex. If they did, the questions is what do you do?
Surely he and your 'friend' would not be the same towards you if they did.

I think its v odd indeed that he didn't come upstairs at all.

Remotew · 20/08/2008 11:18

I agree you need to confront him and tell him you know they did it.

Don't let her in your house again.

TheCrackFox · 20/08/2008 11:27

I would ask him. TBH I do find it a bit weird that you didn't go downstairs as soon as you thought you had heard a "sex grunt".

QuintessentialShadows · 20/08/2008 11:29

Things like this actually happens. We had another couple over one night, dh and my friend went to sleep early. Her partner and me sat up talking a little while longer. So while my dh was sound a sleep in our bed, and my friend sound asleep in our guest room, her partner (who had on previous occasions spoken about how easy it would be for us to conduct an affair should we so wish, but I had not really taken him seriously) came on to me. I went to bed (with dh) quite horrified.

imconfusedme · 20/08/2008 11:32

In answer to your questions:

Abouteve, this friend has been staying with us for a couple of months & yes he did come to bed but it was early hours maybe 1.30-2am, they got home just after midnight.

To all the others who asked why didn't I investigate.

Honestly? I was too scared to go downstairs to be honest, I lay in bed thinking 'No he/she wouldn't do that etc' she has always told me that she thinks of him as a brother.

Oneliein, if they did then there is no question what I would do, he would be out and the locks changed, divorce imminent and they would both have to watch their backs for time to come.

OP posts:

QuintessentialShadows · 20/08/2008 11:37

I would be extremely suspicious of any female friend saying she thought about my dh as her brother .... - Too keen to divert any thoughts of sexual desire.

When dh and I were young, and sharing a flat with other students, there was a girl who kept insisting she looked upon dh as a brother. I went away for a weekend, and she cunningly told my dh (then just boyfrend) that I had gone away to ponder whether to split up or not, I confessed it to her, and she made her move. He didnt believe her luckily as it was all a pack of lies.

Why do you have her staying with you?

Uriel · 20/08/2008 11:37

Do you think dh has become closer to this woman over the months she has stayed at your house?

imconfusedme · 20/08/2008 11:39

She is staying with us as she has nowhere else to go at present, lost her room/job all at the same time.

Uriel, they have always been good friends as he grew up living next door to her.

OP posts:

QuintessentialShadows · 20/08/2008 11:41

So, to her the solution to her problems may be to get your dh, she will have a home, a partner, and be "kept" so to speak?

Where does that leave you?

Why are you guys responsible for this woman?

Do you have children? Does she get on with them?

Remotew · 20/08/2008 11:43

Oh dear saying she thinks of him as a brother sounds like she has been trying to throw you off the scent. He is not her brother FFS.

Is this the first time you have had reason to suspect anything or have you noticed them getting closer, in jokes etc. Sounds to me that their relationship has developed somewhat as they have had ample opportunity for it to change.

I'm so sorry. You need to get to the truth. Confront him. Do you think you could have been mistaken? If not then tell him you witnessed it.

expatinscotland · 20/08/2008 11:44

i'd have gone down there myself when i heard them talking and asked him to come up to bed.

bu then again, she also wouldn't be staying in my house for that length of time.

Remotew · 20/08/2008 11:45

X post. I can see that they have always been close. Tricky one as I assume if she had had designs on your DH should could have tried to get him years ago. Do they have a past?

Bramshott · 20/08/2008 11:46

Could the noises and grunt have been the snoring? Myself I would try not to jump to conclusions.

Uriel · 20/08/2008 11:51

Talk to her today and set a deadline for her to move out.

expatinscotland · 20/08/2008 11:53

she is living in your house.

she would soon be moving.

if he had a problem with it, he'd be going with her, tbh.

zippitippitoes · 20/08/2008 12:01

i dont understand this she has been sleeping on your sofa for a couple of months? or as you also say she sometimes stays over?

really that is too long

and it sounds odd they went out drinking together too

you are not assertive enough and you need to quickly become assertive and find out what is going on

why didnt you go out instead of her?

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zippitippitoes · 20/08/2008 12:03

ok in your op you say she occasionally stays over

but then later you say she lives with you..on the sofa?

so which is it?

ginnny · 20/08/2008 12:14

He went out with the lads then came home with this woman who lives with you / stays occasionally?
I'd have been straight downstairs as soon as I heard a grunt if it was me.
All very odd and suspicious I think.

Overmydeadbody · 20/08/2008 12:22

I'm as confused as zippi, does she occasionally stay over or live with you?

Flip

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