Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Need to know something before I make a move

(6 Posts)
InABloodyRut Wed 20-Aug-08 09:41:51

I have finally decided to leave my partner. I cant give much details as too many people on here know me, hence the namechage. He has been a little violent, not all the time, but just a couple of times and I dont really know if that justifies me leaving really.
We are not happy together, that much is clear, but he wants us to stay together or the kids (one and one on the way). I dont want this. My parents stayed together just for the kids and it made my life hell.
Sometimes we can be really great together and thats when I start to question myself about leaving.
I know I will never be able to trust him again, although I do love him with all my heart. He has had a couple of online 'relationships' with other women in the past and as far as I am aware he is still in touch with one of them, who only lives in the next city. He has sworn he has never met up with her but I dont know wether to believe him.

Anyways, If I do leave I have nowhere else to go. No friends to stay with, no family, nowhere. So this leaves me with the homeless centre which may find me temperary (sp) accommodation until something more permanant comes along. I have been on the housing list a few months now but havent been offered a single place to live.

So, my question is, if I approach the homeless centre, will the contact social services about my kids? I am shit scared that this will happen and is one of the reasons I havent left before now.

I know I cant stay here much longer but I dont want my kids taking off me either.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight Wed 20-Aug-08 09:53:37

What do you mean by the 'homeless centre'? AFAIK you need to present at the housing office early in the morning and declare you are homeless due to leaving an abusive relationship (you will have to lay it on a bit thick) and they should provide temp accommodation which could be B&B or a bedsit so be prepared. Different local authorities differ in their timescales and availability of housing stock but you will be a priority to be rehoused once you are in temp with the kids, but again, that might not mean much so be prepared for a long wait)
Being homeless is not grounds to make a referral to social services. Unless you state that your kids have been abused by him they are very unlikely to inform anyone. Even if they did let me reassure you that on the surface of what you have said you have nothing to worry about. People imagine that SS are waiting to pounce on parents who are struggling or find themselves in hard times - believe me there is enough real abuse going on to keep each SW occupied ten times over.
I wish you the best of luck because it won't be easy but you can do it, with some patience.
And - violent behaviour is almost never a one off and your kids need to be protected from this.

MrsPorty Wed 20-Aug-08 10:02:57

When my XP was being abusive the HV told me that Social Services would only get involved if I was failing to protect DS from him (ie I had to get rid of XP or risk being seen as negligent). So I would think that you'll be seen as acting in the DCs best interests by leaving. I was very lucky in that it was my house we were living in and I managed to get XP out.

You sound a bit conflicted though? I know it's a terribly difficult decision to make - especially as you have nowhere to go. Have you spoken to Women's Aid or taken any legal advice? I found the national dv helpline were great (think that's the name, will check and come back).

MrsPorty Wed 20-Aug-08 10:08:59 0808 200 0247

In some cities there are specialist services who can help with rehousing you in these circumstances - the helpline should be able to tell you about this.

Iwanttobreakfree Wed 20-Aug-08 10:17:28

What has he done that is a little violent?

You do know that there is no such thing as "little" violent?! Don't you? If he has pushed, shoved, got in your face, shouted you down, slapped, kicked, etc etc, this is DV.

So many other posts on this topic it is making me so sad today. Read around the boards. It helps.

It is not your fault.

You will be ok. You can do it and womensaid can help.

Take care, well done for having the strength to do something about it.

SueMunch Wed 20-Aug-08 10:23:45

The words 'a little violent' are the most imprtant here. There is no such thing.

Violence against women and children is completely unnacceptable.

Is there a women's refuge near you? You might not think you fall into this catagory but they will have the support network that you need and can look after you and the children temporarily and advise you on housing and how to move on. I have volunteered in a refuge recently so know how they work.

As such refuges specialise in working with women, you can be assured that it would be a safe environment and will only contain women in your situation (although reasons for being there may vary in severity).

If you could name the city you are in I could speak to a friend I know who works in such a centre and she will be able to advise me on the nearest one to you.

They are used to taking in women at vewry short notice - often they arrive at night with the very minumum of poseessions.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now