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No idea what this is about

(24 Posts)
ImnotMamaGbutsheLovesMe Wed 20-Aug-08 09:32:02

I am really shaking now.

DS1 is at inlaws for 2 nights. He wants to stay for 3. I felt lousy this morning so thought I would try and do a trade off. His siblings share today with him and he has his extra night. I thought about it and decided not to take them as DS1 had been so good I didn't want it to go wrong.

I rang to tell MIL and was a bit miffed she said he couldn't have a third night as he didn't want to share. I assumed he was disappointed and didn't see why he should miss out on an extra day when I had changed the plan.

I told her I never get to decide things for my own kids, she said anything she does is never right and hung up.

I rang back and she hung up after a minute or two again. Then my son answered and she wouldn't come to the phone. She did eventually.

I said I accepted her point and she was right. I was trying to explain my point to her so she didn't think I was a bad mother and she just said we would never see each others point of view. I told her I was trying and she needed to tell me. I could then apologise and not do it again.

She said we are not going to be on each others wavelength and I told her I have no one else and if we are argue then I have no one. She then said that is half the problem that I have no one else and put the phone down on me.

My son is there and I want to get him but he is staying as he wants to and I have to hope she is fine with him. Not looking forward to picking him up tomorrow in the fact I have to see her.

ImnotMamaGbutsheLovesMe Wed 20-Aug-08 12:01:31

No one able to help? sad

themoon66 Wed 20-Aug-08 12:05:19

it all sounds like some sort of big misunderstanding. Can you take flowers and say sorry? Even if you don't feel sorry, it might be worth backing down and making the first move.

ImnotMamaGbutsheLovesMe Wed 20-Aug-08 12:07:43

I am not taking anything.

I always say sorry and get nothing back. I told her I would apologise and make sure I never did it again once she had told me what it is I have done that is so wrong.

I just can't wait to get DS1 back now.

SpandexIsMyEnemy Wed 20-Aug-08 12:13:17

sorry am missing something here?

your DS1 is with his grandparents you have his siblings with you?

you're feeling poorly so asked the MIL to have siblings today and you'll collect them later on, and let DS1 remain there?

where is your H/P? (forgive me don't know your circs)

I can't understand why you are apologising tbh. why is DS1 allowed the control over things (to an extent), and also your MIL is just plain rude - but that's just my thoughts

(forgive me if i've got the jist wrong thou)

SpandexIsMyEnemy Wed 20-Aug-08 12:15:16

rude in putting the phone down I mean and not coming to it - but I guess fair in the respect you said no 3 day if he doesn't share - he's not sharing so she's not letting him have a 3rd day??

all the same thou - if she knew you were poorly I would have thought she'd say drop them off and ds1 will have to play nicely.

ImnotMamaGbutsheLovesMe Wed 20-Aug-08 12:24:06

Ds1 is with ILs as per arranged.

I fancied a quiet day and thought I could persuade DS1 to agree if he could then get an extra night in return. I changed my mind though.

I agree about not letting DS1 dictate and normally I wouldn't but I changed my mind about them going but didn't see why he couldn't have still had his 3rd night. I would have agreed to it anyway, I was just trying to get myself an easier day!

I never said no 3rd day if he didn't share, she said that. When I rang to say I wouldn't be bringing them over I didn't realise she had already spoken to him and done the deal. I complained and said it would be nice to decide about my own kids and she got the hump.

mou Wed 20-Aug-08 12:26:10

acknowledge there is a misunderstanding but don't apologise again. ask if she feels she has a solution that you can both work on, you seem to need her and she probably likes being needed, but it does make MIL's a bit controlling. gently but firmly remind her that they are your children but you value the role she has in their lives. put the ball in her court for now, then you can choose how to respond. when you see her remain calm and dignified, she should follow suit, then have a rant on here if you need to!!!!

SpandexIsMyEnemy Wed 20-Aug-08 12:28:17

well quite - they're your kids, so you get to decide what happens with them - then again her house etc etc, and time???

your MIL sounds like she's just a bit put out at being put on - so understand that bit - but also understand your POV - esp if you don't ask your MIL often.

maybe she's having a bad day as well? does she usually have the children for you, or does your own family have them? (as I say sorry for q's but not knowing your circs)

(still say it's v rude and uncalled for her to put the phone on you thou)

Sonnet Wed 20-Aug-08 12:29:32

Not sure I understand the detail but Inpresume you are PO because MIL has agreed something/changed plans with your ds without your prior consent.
If I've understood right then you have my total sympathy as my MIL has done this.
You have no need to apologise to her at all!

ImnotMamaGbutsheLovesMe Wed 20-Aug-08 12:40:04

The point is I have no family at all. Not that they aren't close by, just that they are not in my life. She knows that.

We don't ask a lot and I can't understand it as they are her grandchildren and I would think she would want them as much as she could have. She agreed to the 3rd night. I changed it by trying to get something for me and then changed it again. So shoot me! (her, not you guys!)

I will pick him up after DS2's GP appointment and say nothing at all about it. I will not ask for help again. Nor will I apologise. I am sick of her comments which she then won't explain. She never bloody talks about anything. Shr cried when I asked her to not let the kids have tv all day so emotional. but not able to give any emotional support at all. No wonder I am still on bloody AD's!

Overmydeadbody Wed 20-Aug-08 12:44:03

Sounds like a messy misunderstanding.

You decided not to take your other kids there, ds didn't dictate that!

If iI where you I would simply not mention the incident again to mil. She's not likely to suddenly see she was in the wrong and apologise is she?

ImnotMamaGbutsheLovesMe Wed 20-Aug-08 12:59:13

I have always deferred to her. Lack of confidence, never having had a mother, hoping she would like me. Hard to stand up to her but I will. I havce had enough of this. We are having real difficulties atm but can't talk to her about them. This is the woman who told my mother "mother to another mother" I had had my baby and his name when she knew it wouldn't be what we wanted and then let us believe she hadn't for weeks. I found out through a viscious letter sent via my solicitor. Have I been able to tell her what I really think of her for it? What do you think? I told her it was like having my heart ripped out and she said Oh.

ActingNormal Wed 20-Aug-08 13:22:38

Didn't understand that last post at all, can you explain in different words?

It seems to me that this is a control issue. You feel you need her because you don't have anyone else and you feel she could control you because you don't have much choice (you do it her way or you don't get the childcare help because you have nobody else to ask). Do you do little things to try to feel in control? eg changing the plan about DS1's siblings so that you feel you have controlled something about the visit. Did you really have a good reason not to let them go as well?

MIL probably feels a bit 'put upon' like someone else said, and on top of that, you are trying to show her all the time that you are in control and she will do it the way you say!

From reading your previous threads it seems as though you didn't feel in control of what happened to you as a child so the thought of not being in control now is frightening for you and you do things in order to feel more in control. You probably don't realise you are doing it so it seems completely reasonable to you and it is hard for you to see MIL's POV. She was rude to slam the phone down but is she just at the end of her tether?

Sorry if I sound like I'm not on your side, I am really because I'm trying to get you to think about it from all sides and how your past is influencing your life now. If you can sort out how you feel about the past I bet it would improve your relationships now. Also sorry if I am getting this completely wrong!

ImnotMamaGbutsheLovesMe Wed 20-Aug-08 13:36:15

It wasn't a control thing at all. I wanted a break, that was all. He wanted an extra night. I thought I would try and get both of us what we wanted.

I have had enough of being a mum tbh.

I am feeling suicidal.

ActingNormal Wed 20-Aug-08 13:46:16

Sorry if I misunderstood.

So why didn't you stick to your plan of sending siblings as well?

I hope you feel better as the day goes on, are you able to phone/text your DH for a bit of contact? Could he smooth things over with MIL?

ImnotMamaGbutsheLovesMe Wed 20-Aug-08 16:43:20

I decided not to send them as I knew they would end up arguiing.

DH very busy at work but hoping to leave on time.

I am so tired of life.

ActingNormal Wed 20-Aug-08 21:17:28

Do you do anything each day that gives you pleasure? Just little things are important to keep you going, I dunno, like sit down for 5 mins and have a coffee and read a favourite magazine, watch your favourite TV program, dye your hair, do your nails, phone a friend, look at the jokes on MN, play a really stupid game with your kids and make them laugh etc. When I had depression, on my worst days, I tried writing down every good thing that happened and every positive thought, even the smallest things, on a scrap of paper in my pocket. It made it seem like that day was worth living for because I could see from the list that there were some good bits. Sometimes this really helped! Are you on ADs? I never found they worked.

ImnotMamaGbutsheLovesMe Wed 20-Aug-08 21:47:29

Highlight of the day is watching 24 with my hubby once the kids have gone to bed.

The ADs work for me as the doc took me off them for a month and I was so bad it wasn't funny.

MN used to be my thing but then I left (for about a week) as I was spending too much time on here and the break did me good.

I realised today I literally have no one I can call to say I feel like crap who would understand and be able to help.

ActingNormal Wed 20-Aug-08 22:13:56

Are there places you could go to meet new people? Playgroups? Art and craft workshops for mothers and young children? A friend of mine met some mothers in her local area by going on another website called NetMums.

mou Thu 21-Aug-08 08:32:19

hey 'I'mnotmamaG',, so sad you feel life not worth living. can you try to turn the anger round and start making it your life again, however slowly. lke 'actingnormal' said, do even the little things that matter to you, and can you get out for a walk? if you can walk as hard and fast as you can. really really helped my depression. one day when you get through this you will be in a place to help someone on MN and make a difference to their life, try not to give up, and focus on a time in your life when you were really happy and fight to be that person again, take care.....

ImnotMamaGbutsheLovesMe Thu 21-Aug-08 08:54:11

I just can't see any way out of it.

I am so tired.

My kids deserve better. I know what it is like to have a shit life and it isn't what I want for them.

I am fed up of feeling sorry for myself. I just can't get anything right at the moment.

ImnotMamaGbutsheLovesMe Thu 21-Aug-08 08:54:44

And DS1 wants to stay at MILs all day so I won't see him until after tea sad

Sonnet Thu 21-Aug-08 09:06:48

I am so sorry life is tough for you mamaG. I havn't had exp of depression so I can't really help. I just don't want you to think no one cares.

Look on the positive side of DS1 being away all day - one less dc to deal with, especially if you are not feeling great.
How old/how many other dc do you have?. Is there something you can do with the other children easier without DS1?.

What is the weather like - even getting out for a walk will help you feel a bit brighter.

Look forward to 24 this evening - it is the little things that make you enjoy life...

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