Boring husband and I don't love him

[reallyboredhousewife]

I have been married for 15 years and find my husband is probably one of the most boring, unsociable people I have ever met.

In all honesty, I only got with him in the first place because I didn't want to be a single parent any longer and he owned a house and had money, it seemed a good way of getting a better life for us.

I have been kidding myself for 15 years that I love him and I just don't. He doesn't talk, doesn't communicate or anything. If some drama is happening he just stares at the floor and says he's worried worried, yes, and? he never helps me solve it though.

He cries if I try and get through to him, says he's scared of losing me yet still refuses to talk. He's boring, never wants to go for a night out, if I try and have a laugh with him he either smiles and ignores me or turns the TV up. He books the same holiday every year, a fortnight on the canals where he basically sits reading books about canals for two fucking weeks whilst I'm sat there bored to dead. We keep saying we're going to go abroad but he always makes some excuse and books the canals again.

On christmas day he sat there with a miserable face watching bloody cartoons or old films.

He's so unsociable he's actually rude. If we go down to see my family he doesn't talk, just stands there staring at the floor smiling. Avoiding all eye contact. He's actually been known to leave someones house and stand outside in the front garden waiting for me to leave, how bloody rude is that?

He's not depressed, he's been like this for 15 years. I have even wondered if he has some form of autism sometimes because there is no communication there at all. The only time he seems happy is when everyone leaves him alone to read his stupid bloody books or if he's slagging someone off.

I actually welcome the day I have the opportunity to have an affair because I know I'd jump on it without second thought.

I know I should just leave but I have no money and nowhere to go. Apart from that he'd crack up completely, the mere mention of us splitting up has him in tears.

What the hell do I do.

[cadelaide]

Sorry, couldn't get through OP, too boring.

[olympicsnotfederer]

close the door quietly behind you.......

[ActingNormal]

Poor you, but bloody poor him as well! Being with a woman who thinks he is utter crap! At least if you left him he would have the chance to find someone who does love him and appreciate him! Even though he would be devastated for ages first. It was really unfair to get with him in the first place, you admit yourself you were totally using him! If you didn't love him even back then you should never have married him! Then he wouldn't be in this position of either living with your contempt or being devastated by you leaving!

[hercules1]

Well, you got what you wanted. Cant really complain. Perhaps you could get a job?

[Seabright]

Book counselling. Tell him you've booked, when its for and that you want him to come with you. Go, whether or not he comes too.

You know you aren't whiter than white in this (not a dig or a judgment, I think you're brave to state why why got into the relationship), and whether you stay together or seperate I think a neutral third party will have you both do it with as much dignity and as little pain as possible. I think you owe wach other that.

Good luck.

[claricebeansmum]

Are you sure they are not tears of joy?

Marriage takes two....

[objectivity]

You used him, why do you now expect to be happy??

[objectivity]

Seabright's rather more empathetic post has made me think I am being unfeeling...but I am still not getting why you are not getting that you could not possibly expect to be happy.

[wessexgirl]

You haven't had the opportunity for an affair in 15 years? Could be the horns or the generally trolly demeanour. Apply to one of those makeover shows.

[ilovemydog]

What cartoons were on Christmas Day?

[OneLieIn]

Let me say what many are you thinking undoubtedly - you sound like a manipulative, selfish, unfeeling, rude, unloving person. I feel more sorry for you, your DH would be much better off without you.

not sure if you are real or BSing, either way, you're a .....

[FrodosGirl]

I suggest read up on Aspergers, tis on the higher end of autism. Maxine Aston is a specialist of Aspergers in adults.

[solidgoldbrass]

Well, if you are as sociopathic as you sound, it's not likely that you would find happiness in an affair with someone else, and it is probably true that you would be better off single, but your life (and of course the lives of people around you) would be much better if you could learn The Rules: being reasonably kind and decent to other people is beneficial to you as well; treating other people as objects is not a way of living that does you any good either in the long run.

[objectivity]

You are the female version of the wanker that I have now separated from I think actually.

[Lauriefairycake]

what are you doing to help this relationship? What have you tried?

why are you so passive? You could book the holiday/organise a night out/book a hobby together. He sounds shy and perfectly happy in his own company and also that he cares about you.

I'm sorry you're both having such a hard time

[2rebecca]

Agree with those who say that if you don't love him you should get a job and leave the guy in peace. It sounds as though he works hard to keep you in a house and food and look after your kids and you just moan. I have no sympathy for women who just see men as a money supply.
He does sound rather introverted and boring, but it sounds as though you knew that when you married him. You could have left him alone and got a job whilst you found someone you preferred.

[vector]

I agree that he sounds very shy and needs some help learning to communicate, though how you would get him to go to talk to anyone about it I dont know. I can see why you are angry because you feel you have tried to communicate and he is not responded. 15 years is a long time. It sounds like a lot of anger has built up and he can't be happy knowing how you feel about him. He sounds so insecure. Is there anything you like about him apart from that he provides for you? Maybe you should work on his good points, give him some praise, take the pressure of providing everything off him by getting a job, he might become a totally different person. I really don't agree that you took him just for his money in the beginning, not only have you made yourself unhappy you have made him unhappy. If you are not prepared to be nice to him, work with him and try to help him out of his insecurities you should do both of you a favor an leave. He will get over you, you can do all the things you say he wont do and he can be free to find someone who loves him for who he is.

[Shitemum]

Sounds to me like he's very shy and he knows you hate him

[LynetteScavo]

I got half way through your post and thought it sounds as if your DH has aspergers.

Leaving doesn't seem to be an option, so you need to liven up your life.

I don't wait for my DH to show me a good time (he's always working)

Leave him alone to read his canal books, if that is what makes him happy, and do what ever it is that makes you happy.

[MatBackFack]

I agree about the Aspergers. I think it might get better with a bit of TLC from you rather that anger and resentment. Also, book your own holiday and take him along - he might enjoy it.

[cestlavie]

What the hell do you do?

Just to be clear, you got together with him knowing he wasn't the right person for you but did so because he had a house and money. And despite knowing this when you did so, you're now unhappy because he has refused to become someone who he's clearly not to satisfy the partner who doesn't love him. If he is indeed depressed, has low self confidence, is introverted and struggles socially the last thing he needs is someone who, having married him only for his money, clearly dislikes him, hates being around him and dreams of leaving him then the last 15 years have probably made his life immeasurably worse.

The answer? If you're as selfish, manipulative and unpleasant as you come across then just about the best thing you could do for the poor guy is probably leave him.

[electra]

Is this for real?

If it is, then shame on you OP. You clearly feel nothing but contempt for your husband and I can't believe you admit you married him for money - that's awful and a relationship formed on that basis will never work.

Also, you say you think he's possibly on the spectrum but fail to show any kind of compassion for him at all. So you know he may have a disability and even that doesn't prevent you from being so nasty and derisive towards him.

Sounds like he would be better off without you...

[Overmydeadbody]

What the hell do you do?

Leave, obviously

It's not bloody rocket science.

[TinySocks]

I have read a few posts like this one here on mumsnet recently.

Women choose a poor soul, they know from the outset he is not the right person for them. HOwever:

a) they want financial security
b) their biological clocks are ticking and just need a man quick!
c) They don't want to be single parents
d) just don't want to be alone

It's not right.

You have wasted 15 years of this man's life.