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Was this my fault?

(104 Posts)
Wasthismyfault Tue 19-Aug-08 19:56:23

Namechanger here.

I am married with two dc. H works full time, I am a SAHM. He does not do anything round the house or even for his children. He never once got up in the night with them ever. I have no family or friends nearby and am basically bringing up my dc alone, I do everything for them.

Today dd (2) woke up a bit whingy, she often does. I usually give her an hour or so to make sure she is not unwell and then tend to be pretty no nonsense about it, don't buy into it etc. If I did she would tantrum all day long. So after about an hour I said in a firm tone (not shout, I rarely shout) "Right, enough nonsense, calm down because I am not having this all day". H was in bed and heard me say this. I knew he would be awake and hearing it, I had absolutely nothing to hide. He got up and told me not to speak to his kids like that. I replied that I would speak to them however I like because I would never speak to them badly and asked him what I said to her that had bothered him so much? He then ran down the corridor and roared into my face that if he ever heard me speak to his dc like that again he would give me a "f*cking headbutt". He was right in my face when he said it and I felt that he really wanted to do it.

He has been violent before but not in a sustained way, usually as part of an argument. He then told me that I had to be respectful to his kids 100% of the time and never shout at them or speak impatiently to them in any way or I would have him to answer to.

I am in shock I think. I am shaking while I type this. I am ashamed to say that I flinched away from him and covered my head and face because I really thought he was going to do it. I feel weak and pathetic and angry with myself that I did not stand up to him. I spoke to him about it later and he said that he said it because he was protecting his dd and would say and do it again if necessary.

I think I am a great Mum. I am really patient with my dc, they are the best things in my life and I love being with them and I am doing it by myself. He never does anything for them. I don't work and pretty much my whole life is devoted to doing things with and for my dc. I love being with them try really hard to make them happy. He has been irritated with them and shouted at them before but if I am firm with one of them then I am threatened with violence. Please I need some advice

hercules1 Tue 19-Aug-08 19:57:59

You know even if you lost it with them and shouted, it's okay, it's normal, and human. His reaction to you was just nasty. No advice but others will be able to help you.

Dropdeadfred Tue 19-Aug-08 19:58:27

Leave him.

Sorry it's not a knee jerk reaction I truly believe this man does not love or respect you and could easily hurt you.
Please seek advice from a solicitor about your legal rights.

RubySlippers Tue 19-Aug-08 19:59:17

He was so out of order

he terrified you and threatened you with violence

he is not trying to protect his DDs he is trying to control you - you have to be "respectful to his kids" according to him but he speaks to you like that

what worries me is that you say he has been violent in the past

ScaryHairy Tue 19-Aug-08 19:59:45

"He said it because he was protecting his dd"

How exactly is he protecting her by teaching her that it is ok to treat her mother badly?

No, this was not your fault. He sounds like a git and if I were you I would start saving and making plans to leave with the kids.

muckypups Tue 19-Aug-08 20:00:32

You were calm, collected and you did as most mothers do when thier children push them to the limit.You were firm with out loosing it. Well Done !!!! Your H sounds like bully, dont let him demolarise you. he was out of order and you need an apology and rreassurance that it wont happen again. Good luck & take care sounds like it was a scary situation for you xxx

kormachameleon Tue 19-Aug-08 20:01:29

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mankymummy Tue 19-Aug-08 20:01:55

well there could be pages of advice but to be honest the first thing i'd do is suggest he has them for one whole day and one whole night and then you can discuss the way you parent your kids.

if you are too afraid to suggest this or he says no then you need to look at your relationship.

he has no idea what he's talking about if he never has anything to do with them.

Dropdeadfred Tue 19-Aug-08 20:01:56

You say he has been violent before....he is dangerous...have you family that could help you in the short term?

RubySlippers Tue 19-Aug-08 20:02:30

REFUGE have a 24 hour free helpline

ConstanceWearing Tue 19-Aug-08 20:03:05

He ignores them 100% but you have to treat them with the utmost respect, because they are an extension of him (I presume)?

I would leave him and never look back. And I don't very often say that.

JuneBugJen Tue 19-Aug-08 20:03:20

hug. You sound like you need it. No advice, just love

moondog Tue 19-Aug-08 20:03:59

God what a vile vile man. angry

constancereader Tue 19-Aug-08 20:04:22

this is NOT about how you parent your child, it is about his attempt to control and abuse you.

you have no need to justify your parenting, you do have to think hard about leaving this violent man.

UniversallyChallenged Tue 19-Aug-08 20:04:40

You sound an extremely kind and patient mum - much calmer than me.

You have to ask him why he feels it is acceptable to behave in a way that if done to a child he would not find acceptable. What an odd perception of "rightness" he has hmmAlso he needs to know the consequences of ever treating you like that again

RubySlippers Tue 19-Aug-08 20:04:58

i have to say i never do the "leave him" line but i would in this case

you need to get a plan sorted ASAP


place to stay

REFUGE can help and

ConstanceWearing Tue 19-Aug-08 20:06:14

Absolutely agree, ConstanceR.

It's not about parenting, it's about his feeling towards you - which are clearly quite aggressive for some reason at the moment.

coppertop Tue 19-Aug-08 20:07:42

You were not at fault in any way. My blood is boiling just from reading the OP. How dare he speak to you like that?!! angry

scanner Tue 19-Aug-08 20:08:43

No No NO - there is nothing about this that was your fault.

The most chilling thing about your post is that you say that he said he'd do it again if necessary.

I'm sorry, I'm sure this isn't easy for you to read, but you really ought to try to do something about it. As I see it your choices are to get him to understand that his response was frightening and fundamentally wrong - I think you'll need help (relate) with this. Or - you leave.

The status quo mustn't be tolerated or you will slowly, slowly lose any fight you have.

so sorry to hear this and you do sound like a lovely Mum.

Dropdeadfred Tue 19-Aug-08 20:08:45

wheeabouts are you? you might be close to a mnetter who you could meet for coffee/ play dates with the kids? you seem very isolated sad

possiblymaybe Tue 19-Aug-08 20:09:18

Lots of xxxx for you..
Sound like an awful situation for you. I don't want to be all gloom and doom but unfortunately I don't think you have a chance for a great future with this man unless you start acting now. His present behaviour (plus violence in past)is so bad he has to go on a domestic violence programme
like this
or this
otherwise it will only get worse I'm afraid.

I speak from personal experience by the way..

everlong Tue 19-Aug-08 20:11:26

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mankymummy Tue 19-Aug-08 20:13:30

99 percent of the time, you say to someone in this situation leave them, they will not.

i agree its not about parenting.

its not even about being reassuring that the woman is in the right and her DP is an arse. of course he is.

sometimes its the small things (like being unable to suggest something as normal as having responsibility for your own child for eg) that make you see the big picture.

Wasthismyfault Tue 19-Aug-08 20:14:21

He told me before that he would slit my throat if he ever found out that I had smacked one of his children. I don't smack, never have, never will. He also tells me he will never let me leave him and he will not leave because he can't trust me with the dc as I am too emotional. However it seems it is fine to leave them with me when he goes on holiday with his mates and off on three day benders.

I am a good Mum, there is no reading between the lines here. I am. My kids are with me 24 hours a day but still if there is a choice between doing something with me or their dad or other relations they always choose me so I must be doing something right. I think you are right CR. He knows I am a good Mum, it is not about that, its about controlling me. He knows I want to split up but thats what he always comes out with, that he can't leave the dc with me.

JuneBugJen Tue 19-Aug-08 20:16:51

Slit your throat?
Please get out of there.

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