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Erectile dysfunction

(6 Posts)
vector Tue 19-Aug-08 13:16:56

Any one on here ever had to deal with ED in their partners? my partner had bad accident a couple of weeks into our relationship (we were friends for a year before the relationship). The accident was 2 years ago. Everything has been difficult since. We moved in together (he lost everything; house, job, self confidence). Things were doing ok up until about 6 months ago when the ED problem started getting worse after the last operation. He has withdrawn from me so much, no kissing, no flirting, takes himself off for days turning his phone off and staying at work (I know this is true and that he is not cheating). I have not coped very well with the lack of affection, I've nagged because I didnt understand and just thought he had got lazy with us/gone off me. Its made things worse. I have totally tried my best. He finally faced up to the ED and we went to the doc, got tablets, tried them once but the relationships got so bad everytime we talk we argue, let alone have sex. The no sex is not the problem, its the lack of closeness the ED has led to. We have talked but now he has gone off for 2 weeks working and says he wants space because he cant deal with it all. I dont know what to do. I can't talk to friends, I know it would make him feel bad. I'm trying to give him space. I've suggested counceling for us together and him alone but he doesnt want to go. Feel alone. Im only 30, it feels like we have had a lifetime of trouble in 2 years. He used to be great, we have common interests and backgrounds, he gets on with my DS from past relationship (was in that relationship 8 years and it ended 5+ years ago so I have not gone into this quickly) Sorry for all the info, any suggestions welcomed. XX

jaanpa Tue 19-Aug-08 14:20:52

I feel so sad for both of you.sad I am sure there will be plenty of advice from others, but in the meantime I can only suggest taking the emphasis off the sex ( or lack of ) and concenytrate on rebuilding the rest of your relationship. Maybe if he feels no pressure to perform, your partner will begin to feel better about himself. It must be soul destroying for both of you: you probably feel less attractive because he doesn't make love to you and he feels a failure because he can't show you the physical love you want. If you can begin to show him that you want all of HIM, not just the dangly bits, maybe he will feel less pressured and things might begin to improve? I do hope you manage to sort this out together.smile

ToughDaddy Tue 19-Aug-08 17:26:06

good advice above. Perhaps start by doing some exercise or sport togather: walking, jogging, gym, tennis, squash etc.

TracksuitLover Tue 19-Aug-08 18:19:46

You can be physical with each other in other ways apart from sex in order to feel close eg massage, foot massage, cuddling on sofa while watching TV, stroking the back of his head while he watches TV, stroking and kissing in bed but just to show love, not to try to start sex. You could say something like "I'm not 'trying it on' I just want to touch you because I love you" and don't pressure him to have sex. If you are physically affectionate with him without him feeling pressure he might do it back. This would be better than no sex and no physical affection. Typing this I'm thinking I might do this stuff more because it seems more like "making love" and focussing on each other more than when there is a 'goal' of both of you having an orgasm. (Especially as these new pills I'm on seem to be making me less 'horny')

vector Tue 19-Aug-08 23:32:55

Thank-you all for replying. I have tried to take the emphasis off sex and just onto cuddles/squeezes of the bum and stuff but I have let him down with this really because I have ended up loosing my patience on occasion because it feels like it is always me being affectionate. If I kiss him in bed he lays there and doesn't respond, its really difficult. I have to try and stop feeling hurt and look at his perspective more. For me I just think, come on! Its fun and stop being hung up about it all, I dont care about sex I just want the affection and shared fun. I think the idea of sport is a good one, hopefully we can have fun together that way. He has lost his love for doing anything so I know it will be difficult to motivate him as I have tried in the past. Maybe it just takes me to work a bit harder. I think he is depressed to be honest due to everything that has gone on but getting him to get help is a challenge. I also think I should do as tracksuitlover suggests and say that im not trying it on rather than presuming he knows. Thanks, really helped to vent and have someone listen

OldLadyKnowsNothing Wed 20-Aug-08 02:31:32

Is the ED physical or psychological?

(If he still has "morning glory" it's not physical.)

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