What is "good enough"

[dejags]

Is there a time when you just have to accept your "lot" and get on with it or should we always stick up for ourselves and our own needs?

Don't get me wrong - DH is for the most part a great partner and father. He is generous to a fault, loves the kids and contributes to the running of the house more than a lot of husbands I know.

In 2003 we had a terrible year - I wrote on MN about some of it i.e. my MIL as very ill and died and I had an awful falling out with my own parents but that was only the tip of the iceberg, it was really annus horribulus (sp?). I am not one to go into things with strangers so I didn't say anything to anybody - least of all on MN. In a nutshell, DH and I both f*ed up - we left each other emotionally and things got really out of control, other people were involved and it got very ugly. We worked really hard and fixed things but some things havent changed i.e.

DH has the awful habit of speaking to me like I am a moron - he does it in shops and when have visitors - he doesn't mean it but has difficulty expressing himself and very often ends up making me look like an idiot in order to get his point across. This upsets me and I have asked him over and over to try harder - which he does periodically and then it goes back to the same old same old...

Sorry this does have a point - DH being so rude to me has caused me to reflect on our relationship, I end up thinking things like are we flogging a dead horse? Can huge problems and issues be fixed or am I fooling myself? What do you think? Do problems get fixed or do we just put them away for another day?

[nnosam]

cant help but can understand, feel same sometimes,
my dh is the same about making me feel like an idiot. i have ended up putting it down to the 16 years gap between us, and most of our mates know whats what so over the years its got better.
i think that sometimes you just have to stick at it, but in saying that you do have to think of yourself and your own sanity (sp?).

[dejags]

thanks nnosam - I don't have any intentions of leaving him, I am just wondering if it's worth fighting my own cause. Sometimes I think it would be simpler to accept that this is his one bad trait. The cold war which happens every time I get pissed off about it is really stressful for everybody - it just feels as if I am selling myself down the river if I don't stick up for myself...

[charliecat]

Maybe as he starts to talk to you like an idiot interrupt and see if it breaks the flow...or turn your head away till he realises what hes doing? Maybe warn him that your sick of it so will be doing that.
If its mainly done in shops and with visitors it sounds like for some reason he would like the rest of the world to thing hes married to a moron.
I am trying to fix something similar with dp, if I cook he moans about it, but eats it. If he pays for a meal its lovely and hes grateful...

[charliecat]

*think

[dejags]

charliecat - know what you mean. He is the most argumentative, bombastic man alive at times. He just doesn't know how to let things go - I have a long time dream about going around the world. I was daydreaming aloud last week and said "wouldn't it fantastic to go to Australia and China" - he went off on one about how it would be impossible with two small children - absolutely true but it just felt like he was picking holes in my dream because he could iykwim.

[dejags]

about turning my head - I actually just walk away now when he does it, this does stop him in his tracks but still leaves me feeling like a pratt and has no long term effect.

[charliecat]

Hmmmmm..I am wondering whether I can "change" dp also.
By the sound of it your dh does it almost naturally, I think dp does too or they just give not thought whatsoever as to what they are saying/doing.
I am trying to reprogramme(Ha!) dps behaviour by pulling him up about it right away and I suppose nagging at him. Hoping that he will get the point that if he doesnt do it I wont nag...this is a man and not a 2 year old im on about BTW!
I have told him that these things are draining me and im sick to the eyeballs or it but it hasnt stopped overnight.

[charliecat]

Your not a pratt for walking away by the way, youdd be an idiot for standing there taking it.

[charliecat]

Rambling on here....but I have decided that I want our problems fixed. I have rambled on accepting these little things, and I have ended up BLOODY MISERABLE.
Talking to wifes of 20/30 years at work I came away with the conclusion they were still married as they have given up nagging, they dont expect thier dhs to lift a finger at any point and they are cleaner/babysitter/sexslave/doormat and dishwasher...they did nag once upon a time, it didnt work and they decided to stop nagging, do all the work and say nothing, rather than nag thier dhs out the door.
Well......Im taking the risk. Im not happy with all these small things that seem designed to beat me down. So im nagging, im making dp aware of these things...and its up to him to sort them out.

[dejags]

isn't it strange that something so little (in DH's eyes anyway) can cause so much bad feeling. How hard can it be FFS to just speak to me normally without having weekly reminders that "thou shalt not be rude to the wife"...

unfortunately this time it was a little thing that set me off - he just doesn't understand that it's a cumulative thing...

just don't know why I can't get my point across effectively on this one...

[charliecat]

IKWYM. I have had to remind dp that he speaks to the next door neighbours nicer than he does me. Oh my...

[dejags]

charliecat - posts crossed, this is exactly what I am on about. I don't want to become one of those wives how have given up/in but I hate nagging.

Husbands...grrr...

[charliecat]

I am using th word nagging here...to dp I am saying stuff to the effect of ...making you aware...and just letting you know...but theres no denying it is nagging! BUT if he wasnt saying/doing these little things(that all togehter amount ot a big heap of shit) then I wouldnt be saying a word.

[dejags]

the most frustrating thing for me is, is that he knows he does it. He only admits it when he is trying to get back into my good books though. Last night he told me that he is sorry he does it but it was the same with his mom when he lived at home - he just expects me to understand what is on about (???). I said - I wouldn't know what happened when he lived at home, he then exploded that I shouldn't talk out of turn about him and his mom. V. Confusing

[dejags]

he is such a lovely kind man for the most part. I feel disloyal saying nasty things. Ho hum

[charliecat]

Very confusing. Is he saying he spoke to his mum the same or hes always been misunderstood or ????

[charliecat]

I was going to put if you had a chat saying what a lovely kind thoughtful hubby he was and you so appreciated him but...this is really getting you down and please please please make an effort not to do it.

[dejags]

both - he spoke to him mum the same way and he also "expected" her to understand and when she didn't he got frustrated (she passed away in 2003). I have tried everything, crying, cajoling, speaking rationally it doesn't work. I think I am going to start a support group for those of us who have given up

[charliecat]

LOL...reading your post again, it sounds like you have managed to get through a whole load of sh** together and now that the strains are easing off this is becoming your thing. I can relate to that. This is probably the easiest year of my life so far and im nagging my way through it!
We need someone here thats been here and got throught to the other side smiling....anyone?????

[dejags]

You are right CC - I am a spoiled cow really, have a lovely home, 2 beautiful kids, a cleaner, dont work and an ultra supportive DH who works from home so is always around to help with the kids. It's been so hard at times, I suppose now that there isn't much to complain about I am picking up on the one small thing that I can find .. still pisses me off though

[charliecat]

OMG! NO NO NO! Didnt mean it like that, but I can relate to finding the small things al lot harder to deal with than the huge boulders that life flings at you. They seem to get under the skin and fester.

[dejags]

I know you didn't mean it like that CC but it made me realise talking to somebody else that small problems always look larger than they really are...

[charliecat]

What sort of stuff is it your not getting that hes having trouble getting across?

[charliecat]

Well having your hubby making you look like an idiot is a big deal, but youve been through bigger in the past few months...not that you shouldnt be moaning about this of course...oh you know what I mean!

[dejags]

sorry CC got sidetracked with other stuff this afternoon. We have been really good for well over a year now - the bad memories crop up when things aren't good i.e. when hubby is a rude b@stard...

gotta run - thanks for your thoughts.