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DH hates me, DS hates me...what is the point?

(15 Posts)
lulabelle Mon 18-Aug-08 21:44:31

DH and I split up earlier this year, basically I left an abusive relationship. I have tried really really hard to get on with it but I'm having real problems with DS1 (6.11), every day he tells me that he hates me and wishes I was dead. Yesterday he told me that he wished I had cancer so that I would die a slow horrible death and its breaking my heart. DH is a drinker and has anger problems. We would have been together 10 years last week, I gave everything to my marriage and tried so hard to keep the DC's a happy home but it was getting harder to hide problems from the children and DH was getting worse. I have tried talking to DH about it but he says I have bought it all on myself so I have to deal with it myself. He has a new GF who is 9 years younger than him and she has given him the ultimatum if he talks to me they are finished. All I need is a bit of support as DS acts and talks like his Dad and his Dad (as DS sees it) condones his behaviour. I feel desperately alone sad

Alambil Mon 18-Aug-08 21:52:38

oh poor you

I don't think your DS means a word of it - it's either a learned behaviour from his dad so he's literally just copying

or

it's him playing up from the split and he's hurting too - he's taking it out on you in a way that he knows will get a reaction because, and this sounds odd - he loves you SO much he knows that no matter what he says, you will remain his constant

caykon Mon 18-Aug-08 21:52:39

I don't really have any advice but didn't want to leave this unanswered.

thisisyesterday Mon 18-Aug-08 21:57:44

oh poor you.
you know it doesn't matter if your DH hates ytou, or EXdh we should say, because he is a wanker by the sounds of it.

I agree with Lewisfan that your son really doesn't mean it, he is taking out his hurt on you because he knows he can.

have you had a chat with him about stuff? and how he feels? and tell him it's ok to be angry, and cross?

Hopeysgirlwasntbig Mon 18-Aug-08 21:59:39

In my experience, you have to play the 'long game', my Mum did this to me, it took a long long time, but I actually have a closer relationship with my Dad than my Mum now. It's not an easy answer but it worked for me and turned out ok in my case. HTH and really feel for you.

humanbean Mon 18-Aug-08 22:05:06

I have had so much wonderful help here on MN and so want to try and give some back to others so will have a try here: agree with Lewis that your ds doesn't really mean a word of it and also that he is pushing boundaries with you to test if you will stick around for him. Give him lots of love and cuddles and don't get angry with him when he says these things. Maybe gently ask where he got such ideas from? But stay calm and loving with him. (hard)

How often is he having contact with your xh? And is there a way you can talk to xh about where your son is getting these kind of ideas/comments from - I mean a child isn't going to come up with the cancer idea on his own is he.

Doesnt sound to me like you have brought this all on yourself - wtf? I mean he is the one with the new ultimatum-giving girlfriend. How about making sure she sticks to that ultimatum? Pester him. He sounds so weak he will give in to her silly-girl antics (she is potential step-mother material to your ds but clearly hasn't given any of that a single thought)

Try to focus on your ds and do what you think is right for him: if that means curbing some contact with angry drink-fuelled xh then maybe that is for the best til he sorts himself out. Again agree with lewis that ds sounds like he is hurting. Get him out and about with positive people and influences - let him see that you are liked and respected by friends/family and that he is safe to love you. IyswIm.

Am not much good at being helpful as am going through a bit of a shit time myself. But as they say, do post when and as you need to. hugs to you and ds

KerryMum Mon 18-Aug-08 22:09:22

What a feckin complete arsehole your x sounds like. angry

This is him talking, not your little boy.

Big Hugs.

Alambil Mon 18-Aug-08 22:10:17

Abusers ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS make out it's our fault (been there too) ... always.

It gets them off the hook

it's BULLSHIT.

DO NOT think you're in ANY way responsible for his behaviour, his GF or anything.

If she ends it, so be it. If he (and I don't mean he will) hurts himself because he "can't live without you" - so be it.

He is an adult. He is responsible for his own actions.

Your DS is hurting too - he is most likely confused and needs a lot of stable, calm love... it will be exceptionally hard, I know - but you could try to just say "I love you" or something whilst hugging him when he says those things, if he'll let you hug him!

Have you thought about reading a book about DC/divorce and the ways to help?

stirlingmum Mon 18-Aug-08 22:26:33

I was from a broken marriage and my Mum always said I was unbearable after I had visited my Dad.

I dont know what causes it but you want to hit out at the world, but it is your Mum that you hurt.

He will just need to be reassured that you are there for him and you are not going anywhere.

I know it must be hard but just make sure he knows that you love him. Lots of hugs!

WinkyWinkola Mon 18-Aug-08 22:38:59

Lulabelle,

Your DS is angry and hacked off. Of course he is. And he's really lashing out at a soft target. He needs to make someone else feel the same way he does.

This is going to sound weird but don't take his words personally. He is so upset at the moment and is venting in what he probably sees as a safe arena i.e. he knows you are the most stable person in his life and won't go anywhere whatever he says. Because you love him, he feels safe with you.

Unfortunately, you are alone in your parenting at the moment but you're a lot less alone than you were when you were with your DH.

It's so hard but you have to remain the constant, stable, loving mum that your DCs need especially since your ex has now got himself a new GF. She sounds great - wonder when she'll start trying to cut out your DCs from their father's life?

I hope things get easier for you. You sound like a great mum who tries to put her children first. Don't forget you've just been through a break up too though and you'll need some TLC.

Alambil Mon 18-Aug-08 22:41:58

what sort of abuse was it? from the OP I'm guessing verbal at least?

Was he ever abusive to DC too? There are books to read with him that may work through his feelings

something like this...

stirlingmum Mon 18-Aug-08 22:46:34

Oh my God, yes I meant to say - The last time we were at the Library there were lots of books for children in difficult situations.

Have a word with the staff at your local library, see if they have anything that may help.

Alambil Mon 18-Aug-08 22:48:55

me again... sorry!

Just wanted to add that you aren't alone - you may be physically alone during this but we are here; the people in your PC to help and support you <hug>

lisad123 Mon 18-Aug-08 22:53:20

your son really doesnt mean it, its more than likely copying your ex's behaviour. Please keep at it, it will get better huigs

Gettingagrip Tue 19-Aug-08 08:31:08

This is a brilliant book

The Courage to Raise Good Men by Olga Silverstein and Beth Rashbaum

It has really helped me with my son.

Another one is

What Mothers Do: Especially When It Looks Like Nothing by Naomi Stadlen

This explains that children are often cross TO you when it looks as though they are cross AT you. This means that they feel safe with you.

HTH x

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