Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

I just found out he slept with his colleague 6 weeks ago three weeks before our sodding wedding....

(62 Posts)
cheatedon Mon 18-Aug-08 16:26:22

The problem is he didn't even tell me, I found a text message on his phone 2 days after our wedding (3 weeks ago) which he sent on our wedding day to her, it said "thanks that means a lot coming from you.....xxxx" I asked him about it and he broke down saying he had a 5 week affair with this girl from work, it was over and everything he said at the wedding was true, he loves me etc etc. I have been utterly devastated and would have kicked him out had we not had our 2 beautiful boys and been on our crappy honeymoon. Talked and talked, returned from our honeymoon and decided not to tell anyone, he rang work and said he wasn't going back (I asked him to) and told them why (shes a temp and will leave soon), they said "fine, work from home".
It just cuts to the core of me as he knows how devasted I was when my Dad had an affair when I was a kid and left, I had a breakdown because of it. I said that if he had an affair (coz things happen) then I had certain things that meant it would be over forever, one was not getting involved (he did for five weeks), telling me if he was unfaithful (he didn't, I found out), not to have unprotected sex (he did).
Am I just being stupid to think that he even will be faithful from now on? I keep reading other posts and seeing "he did it again" etc. Is it even possible to get over an affair?

MaloryDontDiveItsShallow Mon 18-Aug-08 16:27:50

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Dannat Mon 18-Aug-08 16:28:37

I don't have any constructive advice for you but am angry and sad on your behalf. I hope that whatever happens, you are able to find the strength to deal with this in whichever way is best for you and your DS's.

cheatedon Mon 18-Aug-08 16:31:17

Thing is I thought things were going really well!! Sex life had IMPROVED over last few weeks before the wedding (not that it was bad), he said it was because he had finished with her and put more effort in!! When we've talked it's been about how much effore I've put in and how little he's put in. I wonder whether it's worth it, if he did that when I was putting all the effort in, maybe he just doesn't love me enough to do the same except when I threaten to leave him...

Niecie Mon 18-Aug-08 16:32:03

So sorry your wedding and honeymoon have been tarnished by this, not to mention your marriage going forward.

Nothing useful to say but just wanted to send much sympathy.

My only thoughts maybe that now is a good time to consider some counselling from Relate, sort out what went and why. Don't leave it to chance that he won't do it but sort out in your heads how to deal with the fall out. He is at least facing up to his stupidity by getting the work situation sorted - I have read several threads where the H continues to work with the OW.

cheatedon Mon 18-Aug-08 16:39:22

Thanks, yeah he has done everything that I have asked of him which I guess is a good sign, he seems very keen to sort things out, reckoins he's had a breakdow...hahaha...hasn't spoken to her, shes a right bunny boiler has rung him loads. Have thought about Relate but are talking really constructively at the moment, so will go if we get 'stuck'.

cheatedon Mon 18-Aug-08 16:40:12

I told him he either left work or left me

beanieb Mon 18-Aug-08 16:40:41

you poor thing.

I don't like the statment 'decided not to tell anyone' though. You should talk about it to someone.

Niecie Mon 18-Aug-08 16:44:05

If he has had a breakdown, he needs to see a doctor!!

I agree keeping quiet is not a good thing - chewing it over with somebody will help and Relate may give you some insights that the two of you are too close to work out for yourselves.

cheatedon Mon 18-Aug-08 17:35:12

yes, I know a F*ing doctor not a bloody slapper. Stupid boy can't tell the difference. We have told his brotherr and wife who have been very supportive to me and a close friend of mine, just didn't want to tell anyone and have it always 'with us' if we do get through it IYKWIM

Iwanttobreakfree Mon 18-Aug-08 18:10:13

Can I just say what cunt he his? angry

Sorry I know that is not constructive help, but in this time of pure anger for you I thought it might help to have someone else voice it!!!

I don't know what I can say to help otherwise. Just that I am so sorry you have had to go through this.

Other thing to say is not to concentrate on her being a stupid bitch (which she obviously is!!) but she doesn't know you, it wasn't personal.

HE is the one to betrayed you. He did it all. Blame him. Its his fault. He fucked it all up. No one else can share the blame.

Hope you have the strength to get through this and do what is best for you and your kids
xxx

cheatedon Mon 18-Aug-08 18:30:07

Thank you. I know he's a c**t and have told him so several times. It does help to 'get it out' here as I made the deciion to keep it quiet incase I decided to make a go of it. It's difficult decision though, but just don't want people bringing it up in a few years time afetr a few drinks.

He says he'll go and have a sexual health check, but can't even imagine sleeping with him at this point. Just feel so cheated. It's not like I haven't knocked a few advances back since we've been together. Can't help feeling what if he hurts me again, I couldn't go through this again. Maybe he'll never love me like I love him.....grrrrrrr It's so hard to know what to feel...sad

chocolatemummy Mon 18-Aug-08 18:32:34

wow how hard must that have been just after your wedding and all. You must really love him to even be there and asking thee questions, I really hope you can make it and if you both really want to then you do stand a chance

cheatedon Mon 18-Aug-08 18:41:41

Thanks, yes it has been very hard, felt wedding was a sham etc, I believe him when he says it wasn't though after a lot of talking. He does seem to be so sorry and has changed so much since we've been back. Just scared of the future I suppose. How can you ever know how things will work out though. Just can't believe this has happened to us, we just get on so well. I feel betryed by my BEST friend, which is probably the worst feeling. How could he just NOT tell me?
Funny thing is he just heard from another colleague that she made a pass at someone else and he turned her down, silly bitch and he's a silly bugger for falling for it.

Nothing constructive to add but wanted to send lots of sympathetic vibes your way, you must be utterly devastated and I am very impressed at how maturely you are dealing with this. Sure the temptation to take a pair of scissors to his clothes is very high right now!

As for whether it is possible to get over an affair, I know of a couple of people who have done it but it takes massive efforts on the part of BOTH partners so not just down to you to try and repair the relationship. Also you BOTH have to want to make it work too. Can you take some time out away from him to think things through? Go to a close friends house for the weekend?

chocolatemummy Mon 18-Aug-08 18:48:18

what a callous bitch, sh must have know he was about to get married right!? Unfortunately there will always be women out there like that and always be men stupid enough to go for it, Reality is so many people ar unfaithful now, it doesnt mean its okay but its kind of a relfection of our throw away, live for today society.
If you really love him like you say and you really believe he is sorry then its worth a go I think, he might well be mortified that he was so stupid and end up being the best husband ever, you'll never know if you leave will you

HappyWoman Mon 18-Aug-08 18:49:08

He must go and get himself checked out soon - as should you. I am currently having gynae problems which may not be related to his affair but just the thought that he could have passed anything on is not worth thinking about and has also caused a few problems in our sex life.
You can get over an affair but i think you also need to realise that it will 'pop' up over the years too.

My h had an affair - he has/is doing everything he can to make amends but it is still hard for us all.

I think you need to tell someone - he needs to know that he no longer has control over the situation.

Also dont worry if you do not know what you want just yet - take each day at a time and remember you can always change your mind at anytime now - he has caused this not you so you need never feel guilty.

Good luck

PootyApplewater Mon 18-Aug-08 18:50:23

Nothing constructive to add.
What a shitty thing for him to do.
I hope you can work through it together, and that you find peace, whatever the outcome.

cheatedon Mon 18-Aug-08 18:58:17

Thanks for all your support.
Happy woman- how long ago was your h affair? Do you think you will be ok? I guess some part of me feels grateful that he hasn't fallen in love with her. I guess I feel a tiny bit proud that he has chosen us over her, he said he never felt that strongly for her and was just besotted by her.
Yes, chocolate mummy she did know he was about to get married, had kids etc. She made a pass at him and he couldn't say no, pathetic but true....silly bitch, stupid dickhead. I blame both of them equally, I have got over the 'I want to go and punch her f**king lights out' stage, as I think I would be lowering myself quite frankly, also not worth f**king my life up if she decides to report me to the police for GBH.
We have told his brother and sister in law, shes very supportive and told us they had got over an affair too....can't believe people actually get over this, just feeling very wobbley about trust....

HappyWoman Mon 18-Aug-08 19:18:49

My h affair was 2 years ago. Did get quite serious too - he left us.

We have been to councelling and it really did help.
We have also leaned to take time for each other now and make sure we go on lots of dates and have weekends away whenever we can get babysitters for our 4!

The trust thing is not as important as some people make out imo. There are many levels of trust and yes he has broken this particular level and it will take a very long time to heal that (if ever). But that does not have to mean the end of your realionship.

Think about ways you do trust him - with the children, with money, to do the things he says he will...... you will have your own list.

The other thing is dont worry that you dont trust him - if you can talk to him about it and try and come up with some solutions that will make you feel better. I read somewhere that a couple had a private investigator fund so that if it were ever needed then at least there was some money - the fact it was there was enough to build some trust.

My h knows i will still look at his phone - and will leave it around for me - he has also let me read emails from her (they still have to work together sometimes), the key for us is to talk - if i am feelig a bit wobbly he will try and reasurre me - and i will try and trust him more.

He will now also ring me lots and we have agreed that i can phone him at anytime and he will always answer my calls.

So please dont feel bad about not trusting him - hopefully you will be able to accept that and find a way forward - remember this is not your making.

HappyWoman Mon 18-Aug-08 19:21:51

will we be ok? who knows - it is good now and i have learned that it is important to focus more on what we have now as we cannot forsee the future and anything could happen.

I dont think i will ever trust anyone again so blindly - but that would be anyone new too.

Do take the time to really think if this is waht you want from now on.

cannottellyoumyname Mon 18-Aug-08 19:35:02

I am terribly sorry. This must be dreadful for you.
I am a regular but have name changed for professional confidentiality reasons. I dealt with someone who was in this position too. She was devastated and was suspicious for years. As hard as it is for you, you have to try to put it behind you otherwise it will eat away at your marriage. You have to give him another chance and stop believing it will happen again.
It would help you a lot to have counselling- I strongly suggest you do- just so you can talk it all over with someone who has no emotional connection with either of you. Go by yourself. Good luck.

cheatedon Mon 18-Aug-08 19:44:27

Thanks ahppy woman- an amazing and inspirational story. i had never thought of having a relationship with trust on hold as it were. He is letting me read all her e mails as she still works in the office although they are all work related e mails. She tried to ring him and rang him 4 times on our honeymoon. He is at least being very open at the moment, I just worry it won't last...how would I know...but like you say trust isn't necessarily everything in a relationship, I had never thought of that before, it feels like a huge weight has lifted.......
cannottellyoumyname...I know that I will have to get over this enough to be able to carry on, I don't want an unhappy marriage, or to be suspicious for years, thats why I am taking it slowly. I feel I deserve to be in a relationship where I feel secure and able to feel good about myself and us, not worried he's shagging around.
I wondered about going to Relate, but brother in law, said they would just liten to us talk, and as we are talking they couldn't really help unless we aren't 'moving on', not sure whther it would help, or in what way really?

chocolatemummy Mon 18-Aug-08 20:23:50

she rang him 4 times on your honeymoon!
Oh my god.......what is she like.
Just make sure it is all over between them and was not more than he is making out because for a woman to call someone four times when the are on their honeymoon you'd have to be either pretty confident ...or deluded!?

cannottellyoumyname Mon 18-Aug-08 20:59:50

Don't be put off going to Relate- they are good. If necessary go alone and let it all out- you will feel better.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now