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Feel so let down and cant stop sobbing

(26 Posts)
Tinkerisdead Mon 18-Aug-08 13:26:30

I know im probably some hormonal old witch as im 27 weeks pregnant and no doubt being unreasonable but..

I feel so let down my my family and my in laws around how much help and support they have shown me and DH during this pregnancy.

For first 13 weeks i had horrendous morning sickness, my mum lives 1.5 hours away and inlaws in the next street. I couldnt face cooking etc and DH cant cook so we survived on toasted sandwiches and jacket potatoes. No-one offered us a meal, even to have invited him would have been nice as i was so sick. no-one visited, we had to traipse to them.

Then i fell down the stairs and tore a ligament across my bump putting me on crutches and a wheelchair for long distances. I couldnt stand for long having to sit next to the hob etc with Dh helping me. All my family and in laws have called every so often and say "oh i was telling so and so how bad you have been with this pregnancy". but again, no-one has helped us. I cant drive to see them all because of my injury.

MIL last came in june, she lives in next street, we have been to her. she moaned she hadnt seen us so i invited her round to see all the baby stuff etc. she never came or phoned. she says she was busy with her granddaughter instead.

FIL came for first time in 4 months yesterday and actually asked when im due, im six months gone!

My mum is busy sorting house out, havent seen her since june etc as she wants to be free when the baby comes.

ive just sat and sobbed and sobbed, no-one has called to ask if we need anything, do we want to come for dinner? nothing. We're struggling so much and tell them so and they just moan that we dont come round enough. Ive tried being blatent and asked them to come round etc and they dont come. I know we will be inundated with casseroles and visits when the baby comes but that makes me angry. Like they arent interested in us as their "babies" just what we can produce at the other end.

Sorry thats long, im just so tired and in so much pain and feel so hurt that i had to let it out. sad

prettyfly1 Mon 18-Aug-08 13:31:46

aaaaahhhhhhhh mate - i really feel for you. i had a shitty pregnancy with no help as well and it really does make you feel lonely and awful. the only thing i would say is perhaps as an adult it is time for your dh learns to cook - if you only have each other adjustments must be made!

we are thinking of you lovey!

themoon66 Mon 18-Aug-08 13:32:46

good grief. I don't know what to say really except shock

They must all be walking around with their eyes shut!

AreyoutherecodItsmeMargaret Mon 18-Aug-08 13:32:55

sorry but your DH can't cook?????? Gawd, he needs to learn and put in a bit of effort. I think when Im pg I just get on with it. Do u have other children?

CaptainKarvol Mon 18-Aug-08 13:33:38

I'm not often inclined to do this, but [[[hugs]]] to you. Anyone would cry. You let it out.

LittleMyDancingForJoy Mon 18-Aug-08 13:34:33

Sometimes people just don't realise you need help unless you really spell it out for them. I realise this may be difficult to do, but can you literally ASK your family and friends for some help?

It would be lovely if people knew immediately what to do, but sometimes they genuinely don't realise and think you're coping fine when you're not.

Call them up and say 'we really could do with some support here, please can someone lend a hand' and see what happens.

I know it's difficult, but I bet you get good results. Good luck wink

SammyK Mon 18-Aug-08 13:37:42

Aaw it is rubbish when you have a hard pregnancy.

Do you have a slow cooker? These are brilliant, bet even your dh could manage it - you just throw everything in and turn it on.

Can you be pushy with your rellies - 'we haven't seen you for a while MIL/mum/etc, so we will come for lunch on sunday.' wink

You do sound down, why don't you treat yourself to nice meal out with your dh. smile

Notquitegrownup Mon 18-Aug-08 13:38:28

Awwww. First congratulations on your forthcoming baby. You certainly haven't had an easy pregnancy have you? However, IME it's good preparation for what is to come. You can be really close to your family but once a baby comes along, it changes all of your expectations. IME, people never seem to behave how you hope or expect - it's best to become self sufficient, not to expect much and then anything that they do for you is a real bonus.

It would be useful if your dh could learn to do some simple dinners. Perhaps you could take time to teach him now that you are over your Morning sickness.

Best of luck

Tinkerisdead Mon 18-Aug-08 13:39:38

That sounds bad, about dh cant cook. he cant cook well, he can do basic stuff like stuff on toast, a spag bol, jacket potatoes etc. His mum is always going on about how she made his sister casseroles etc when she had her baby and i say "we could do with some of that", as i say she was due round three sundays ago. she never turned up and never called. Dh kept calling her, she says she babysat his niece instead.

it just breaks my heart. His sister got so much interested with her PFB and DH is just as excited about ours and no-one gives a rats arse!

My mum i can understand is trying to free her time up for the baby, but i need the help now. ive told them all but they tell me how they were babysitting or busy with the house etc now and will help when the baby comes. im just so so sad.

Tortington Mon 18-Aug-08 13:43:10

pmsl

i have nothing nice to say - seriously only really bad shit is coming into my head.

so will just leave.

PMSL

Overmydeadbody Mon 18-Aug-08 13:44:44

It's twerrible that your pil's have chosen not to help or support you in your time of need.

But, I do think your DH could have been more pro-active and learnt to cook better. It is hardly rocket science and with the internet (which I assume you have as you are MNing!grin) you can find out pretty much anything you want with regards to cooking, techniques and recipes.

etchasketch Mon 18-Aug-08 13:48:18

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

kittywise Mon 18-Aug-08 13:48:20

Hmm, sorry you are having a bad time of it.

It is always nice when support is forthcoming, of course it is, but you can't expect it neither should you be pissed off when it doesn't come.

You and your dh are responsible for you and the baby. no one else I'm afraid.

Hope you manage to get through this, sure you will smile

BalloonSlayer Mon 18-Aug-08 13:59:37

I wouldn't be so sure that you would be inundated with casseroles when the baby gets here either.

In my experience, the fuss (if there ever was any in the first place) stops the second the baby arrives.

It's a shame that your ILs are not helping more, but more shame ON your husband for not doing the cooking, or asking his parents to come and see you as you are feeling so down.

I do sympathise to a degree as I never had any help either during pregnancy or after from my parents or in-laws, and it's hard when other people seem to be pampered and cossetted by their folks. But actually, it's not compulsory for them to make a fuss of you. And as for sending you meals round - I personally would not have the confidence to cook for someone and send round my offering, what if they thought my cooking was dreadful?

UpForAir Mon 18-Aug-08 14:11:52

Sorry you are feeling so down.

TBH, they probably wont' be that interested once the baby is born, either.

I realised during my last pg, when I really needed some help with my DS's that if I dropped dead, no one would help DH. sad

At least you know what they are like now.

solidgoldbrass Mon 18-Aug-08 14:15:55

Unfortunately, the more whiny a person becomes, the less inclined others are to help them. Have you always been a whiner, or is this PG hormones? It does sound like you are having a rough time, but if someone is not feeling helpful, or too busy to help, then you need to look for help elsewhere rather than keep trying to dredge it out of someone who isn't willing to give it as you just end up polarised with major resentment on both sides.

beanieb Mon 18-Aug-08 14:18:47

get DH to learn how to cook. It's not that hard and it will be a good skill for him tohave when your baby is born.

RubySlippers Mon 18-Aug-08 14:26:12

i had a right to do with my In Laws some time ago about something similar - i expected certain things and that was the issue - my expectations

i know it sounds harsh and i have learnt the hard way about this; but honestly it is better to get on with things as a couple and if someone offers to help then brill, but if not then there isn't much that you can do

i think a good cry can make you feel better smile

Pheebe Mon 18-Aug-08 14:35:47

I am sorry you're feeling down and having a tough time with your pregnancy but .... you are pregnant, not ill.

You're DH should be looking after you and you really shouldn't be EXPECTING either of your families to be 'babying' you. You aren't babies (your wording) you're adults expecting a child of your own. Really, there will be much tougher times ahead, and they will be for you do deal with as a couple, not anyone else.

At the very least he needs to learn to cook!

As other posters have said you're being let down by your expectations, lower them, stand on your own four feet and things will seem much rosier.

chipmonkey Mon 18-Aug-08 14:41:39

My dh does cook: what he cooks is very basic and a lot comes out of jars but he did most of the cooking when I was pg! I do sympathise about your ILs but I think [people who have had easy pregnancies sometimes don't get how bad it can be.
<<<<hugs>>>>

ThatBigGermanPrison Mon 18-Aug-08 14:45:10

You aren't their babies. You are adults. I am presuming, perhaps falsely, that neither of you are teenagers.

I feel sad for you that you feel so bad - but I have to be honest, you need to grow up. It's your baby you are having, nobody else's, and there is no need whatsoever for either of you to need looking after. Nobody has called to ask if you need anything because you blatantly don't need anything - how could you? What on Earth could they offer you that you can't do for yourself? For the things you can't do, your husband can do for you. While he is at work, eat sandwiches. Rest while you can - your life is about to get a whole lot harder.

It's sad that they don't want to involve themselves more, but that's the way it is. Nobody likes, loves or is as interested in your own baby as much as yourself.

I hope you cheer up soon. It's not nice to be sad.

ThatBigGermanPrison Mon 18-Aug-08 14:48:58

look for charlotte121 - her life is hard. Yours isn't, really, unless there is a lot you aren't telling us.

Niecie Mon 18-Aug-08 15:01:18

Sorry you are so down at the moment. It makes the 9 months of pregnancy seem very long if you aren't enjoying it which is a shame.

However, I do think you shouldn't be bothering to put yourself out to visit these people. Save your energy and if anybody asks why they haven't seen you just tell them it is because nobody has been round to visit you.

I can't say I am surprised that your MIL is does more for you SIL than your DH. Whats the old saying - something about have a son and hes yours til he has a wife, have a daughter and shes yours for life (doesn't scan properly but that is the jist of it)

Your MIL is never going to be as close to you as she is to your SIL and she probably expects in the back of her mind that your DH has you now and doesn't need her. It is your mum who should be more sympathetic but maybe you haven't spelt out just how tough you are finding it?

And don't have any expectations about after the birth - everybody will be interested in the baby not you. My mum is great, didn't live far away when DS1 was born but I never got casseroles and house cleaning. If she came to see us it was to see DS. More often than not we went round to her house because it was our opportunity to get out of the house a bit, apparently.hmm

I think you need to lower your expectations and understand that you and DH are having a baby not the rest of the family and just do your own thing. Be grateful that they probably won't all be interfering when the baby actually arrives!

Tinkerisdead Mon 18-Aug-08 15:07:05

Thank you, to be honest i've had the shake up i needed.
TBGP i think you phrased it best in that its "sad they dont want to involve themselves more" thats whats got to me.

When i say we're their "babies" thats the stuff they say to me like "my baby is having a baby", not my phrasing but hard to convey on here without giving a life story. i know I dont have it hard, im not ill, but yes im injured and its extremely prohibitive not being able to walk/stand etc with a massive bump and its draining.

As i said, i know im a hormonal old witch at the moment. Its not really about the meals or the help if i look at how you have all broken it down, its the lack of involvement to any degree which saddens me. especially for dh when he has a 1 yr old niece who is looked after three days a week by inlaws.

yes i need to shake myself and grow up, im just very down from such a shite pregnancy and being so lonely and isolated. My Dh is doing a hell of a lot, all chores etc as i cant and working manically. he is facing insolvency with his business due to the housing market and i can see how much strain he is under knowing he has to support a growing family with no real support from his extended family .

i know it could be worse and im glad people have felt able to tell me straight on here. think when your hormonal and its all crashing down on you, you need someone to give a bit pf perspective. thanks

Ally90 Mon 18-Aug-08 16:53:25

I don't think you are being unreasonable or that you need to 'grow up' angry

I think the saying I am looking for is

'actions speak louder than words'.

Are you really wanting some emotional support from your parents, failing that your mil? Because it feels like they don't care about you?

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