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"I only did it because WE weren't having s*x" - Opinons please.

(36 Posts)
Allyawnedout Mon 18-Aug-08 08:56:39

Will try to keep this brief. Have two small dc.

A couple of years ago during a row my H told me that he had slept with a prostitute during the time we had been married. On further questioning it appeared that it had not only been once but quite a few times. On other occasions I have found numbers in his pocket, text messages on his phone and on one memorable occasion actually saw him chatting up two girls just outside our house when coming back from a night out. He would regularly during that time disappear for anywhere up to 5 days, but usually for 2 or 3 days.

I asked him to leave many times but he never would and in the end as he is a good father I decided to make my peace with how he had behaved and let him carrying on living with us.

Recently he has been pressing me to start sleeping with him again and I just can't. Something inside me freezes up, I think I would rather he left than ever sleep with him again. Whenever I try to explain why I can't he starts saying that he only behaved like that because he was so young (23) and we were not sleeping together so what else was he supposed to do. This by the way is utter clap trap. We were not doing it every night but at least once or twice a week even though we have small kids. It only stopped completely after I found very explicit text messages about a year ago and finally had enough.

I am feeling so angry and resentful that his behaviour has just been diminished down to being because "well we weren't doing it", which isn't even true anyway. He says he will never leave his dc and thats fine as long as he keeps that part of his life separate. He told me that it wouldn't happen if I would sleep with him again. But how can I be sure of that? I think if I did start sleeping with him again and he did it again I would go utterly crazy, at the moment I feel in control of my life, if I let him back in then I feel like I am just handing responsibility for my emotional well being back to him. Please tell me what you think. I am not particularly fragile so tell me your opinions even if blunt.

tiredemma Mon 18-Aug-08 09:00:02

I think

"Cake and eat it"
sorry to be blunt

Tortington Mon 18-Aug-08 09:00:24

hes a knob - and your a prat

FioFio Mon 18-Aug-08 09:03:07

Message withdrawn

SpandexIsMyEnemy Mon 18-Aug-08 09:03:35

honestly - what does this man do for you? he lives in your house?

you tried to get rid once and let him stay to keep the peace??? he's well yes having his cake & eating it - hes' having the single life and the family life when it suits him angry twat basically.

no excuses you and your DC's deserve so much more & better.

youcannotbeserious Mon 18-Aug-08 09:06:11

You would be mad to open yourself up to him, IMHO.

If he means it, then he would stop now and allow you to regain your trust in him.

He's the one who has caused the mistrust in your relationship so IMHO, it's up to him to make the first step in repairing it.

If you have to compromise first, then I think you are on a hiding to nothing.

I'd keep the control and the strength for your DC.

Thomcat Mon 18-Aug-08 09:06:35

You badly need to get him out of th house. It's damaging for all involved to live the way you are. Get independent. Start your life now, without him, see where it takes you. You can't ever know what your capable of with him living under your roof having his cake and ating it. He has it easy with you. Make him stand up on his own 2 legs and stop leeching from you. He can still be a dad.

Vian Mon 18-Aug-08 09:08:22

I wouldn't let him touch me with a ten foot pole.

Even if you were not having sex he still has no right to sleep around. If my husband had an illness of some kind and we could no longer have sex I wouldn't go elsewhere because I'm not an evil piece of crap. The family he is no more evolved than a chimp.

Tell him that the family and his wife's feelings should come way before his dumbass ape-like sexual urges. He has made it obvious that his genitals are more important than your feelings.

If he can't control himself he is a shit husband and father. Tell him to stop compartmentalizing things and learn to see it as all part of the big picture. One of worst things a father can do to his kids is hurt their mother. One of the worst ways to hurt your children's mother is to do what he is doing.

Sorry to be so blunt but I really hate guys like your DH. Show him this message if you want.

Freckle Mon 18-Aug-08 09:08:38

I don't subscribe to the philosophy that, just because a man is a good dad, a wife should put up with shit treatment. He is not a good dad if he treats the mother of his children this way. And what example are you setting your dcs?? That this is an acceptable way to conduct a marriage? Because it isn't.

Go and see a solicitor to find out what your options are. You must have very low self-esteem if you think it is acceptable to put up with this treatment - oh and do get yourself checked out at the doctors if he's been using prostitutes.

Blu Mon 18-Aug-08 09:08:50

Blackmailing you over sex is no way to repair a relationship.

I think you should seek counselling on your own to explore what you really wnat and to get a bit of suport for your self-confidence and decision making and then to support you through either an assertive separation, or a econciliation. But t b homest, it sounds as if he would need to make a long journey if that were to happen - his attitudes are neandethal!

AbbaFan Mon 18-Aug-08 09:10:02

'hes a knob - and your a prat' - yeah thats really helpful hmm

He does sounds like a knob, but it's not that easy to just up and leave with little ones.

MuthaHubbard Mon 18-Aug-08 09:23:47

Agree with freckle - a good dad doesn't treat the mother of his kids that way and surely you don't want your dc to grow up thinking this is how an adult relationship is?

He is trying to make you the excuse for his knobbish behaviour when he is the only one to blame. You are not responsible for his behaviour or his feelings.

Sorry but I do think you would be better off without him.

SpookyMadMummy Mon 18-Aug-08 09:58:46

Keep your self respect and get rid of him. Before he gives you an STD.

His behaviour is terrible and your DC;s will pick up that something is not right with Mummy and Daddy. What lesson is that for them??

mayorquimby Mon 18-Aug-08 10:27:44

i was expecting this to be about someone having and affair following months of enforcd cellebacy due to their op's loss of sex drive. and while i may not condone that i would have at least been sympathetic to some aspects of it.

tis however is completely different as he is just a twat. i don't buy the "i was young" argument as i know i nbever did anything that stupid because of my age.
fair enough he has every right to live in the building if he has a legal claim on the house, but that doesn't mean you have to get back with him.

theSuburbanDryad Mon 18-Aug-08 10:34:50

Have you slept with him since he used the prostitutes/was sleeping around?

If you have then the first thing you need to do is get yourself down to the GUM clinic and get tested for STD's. Him as well, although I doubt his emotional maturity extends that far.

The next thing you need to do is decide whether you actually want to salvage this relationship. If you do, then the two of you have to go to Relate, or some kind of couple's counselling, so you can get past this. If you don't, you need to go and see a solicitor who specialises in family law and find out how to go about getting him out of the house - or, failing that, how to get yourself set up in a house of your own with your dc.

You need to make some decisions with regard to how you want your life to go. He certainly isn't going to make those decisions as he's quite blatantly an enourmous cock on legs. And you can tell him from me that he didn't "need" to use prostitutes, or sleep around - he does have a right hand, presumably?

theressomethingaboutmarie Mon 18-Aug-08 10:40:05

OP, he is an immoral, disgusting, self-centred excuse for a man. What will happen if you don't give him enough sex? Will he go to prostitutes again or sleep with other women? He is an emotional blackmailer (and not a particularly sophisticated one at that). Get rid and get happy. Good luck to you - you sound like a decent person.

olympicsnotfederer Mon 18-Aug-08 10:51:01

My God, you are seriously considering this?

Get a grip.

I appreciate that throwing him out of the house may not be on the cards immediately for lots of practical reasons (I am still trying to understand that one).

If you sleep with him again you are opening yourself up to further manipulation if "he doesn't get it often enough", "blow-jobs not plentiful?", "putting the kids before him", all that fucking shit he can hang over your head like a diseased carrot.

The ONLY way I could consider this is if he found some way to demonstrate his profound regret at the way he has treated you and to show he CAN and WILL be faithful to you over an extended period of time BEFORE he comes anywhere near you.

He must face up to the fact that he has been a SHIT father and partner. Unless he does that, get rid.

TheHedgeWitch Mon 18-Aug-08 10:56:57

Message withdrawn

Allyawnedout Mon 18-Aug-08 12:12:34

Thanks for all messages.

It is not as easy as some might think to throw him out. Anyone ever tried to bodily remove a large, angry man physically from a home where he is the joint tenant. He won't go and legally I can't keep him out. Believe me I have looked into it.

I did get myself checked out after the first prostitute incident and so did he. All clear and we were going to try to make things work. Then came the text messages and the girls outside the house and we have not slept together since then. He has told me that he can't promise it won't happen again because he doesn't know what he is doing when he drinks. I have told him that he had to prove he could be faithful and that is what he said immediately followed up with "Well I am not getting it here am I" f*cking K*obhead that he is.

I am not a complete push over btw, I am fully aware of what a twat he is, the practicalities of getting rid though are enormous. It is not as easy as a lot of people seem to think to get rid of a man that just WILL NOT GO!

I seem to have run out of things to say when he comes out with the crap about not getting it at home. No matter how much I tell him he is lying and even bringing up examples of why it is not true he still keeps saying it. As though he can't deal with what he has done so has to turn it around on to me and make it my fault. I never thought I would be so bored by infidelity in my marriage.

Oh and whoever called me a prat - very blunt as requested but I was also hoping for constructive.

MrsMattie Mon 18-Aug-08 12:16:32

Blunt answer - he sounds like a nasty, weak, disrespectful little man and I genuinely think you would be better off without him. He is blaming you for his infidelity and general fuckwitted behaviour.... Not a very nice trait in a person.
I know it's not always easy as 'leave him now' when kids and money are involved, but seriously, this man sounds bad for your emotional health and you can't possibly maintain any self respect while staying with a man who sleeps with whores and blames you for it.

Mamazon Mon 18-Aug-08 12:16:37

If your relationship is effectivly over then i assume he is only still living with you for the practicality of it.

I would say that you both make a final end to the relationship and make it clear that you can see other people. put down guidelines to protect each other and teh children, like no one back at the house, if yoru staying out over night youmust leave a message etc etc

dollius Mon 18-Aug-08 12:19:37

This man has shown utter contempt for you and for women generally - by using prostitutes he is signalling that women are no more than mere commodities to be bought for his pleasure - which is more important to him than your feelings and health, or his children's wellbeing.

Sex once or twice per week when you have small children is a lot - most reasonable men would be delighted with that.

Please do not demean yourself so much as to agree to what he is suggesting. How could you even consider letting him have access to your body again after what he has done when he has shown no remorse at all? You are worth much more than that.

See a solicitor to see if there is any way you can get rid of him. If not, you may need to consider selling your house and moving on with your children alone. You do not need a man like this in your life, even if he needs to remain in your children's lives.

Your children do not need to see their mother being treated like this by anyone, least of all their father.

theSuburbanDryad Mon 18-Aug-08 12:20:03

Right, didn't realise you were a tennant - I assume you're renting privately?

You need to speak to your local Housing Association and get yourself on the housing register. If you're currently a council tenant then you need to speak to the Housing Officer and explain that you are splitting up with your partner and need alternative accommodation.

There are ways around it. I know it may seem insurmountable, but if you want to leave this man and get your independence back then you can. Or you could stay in the same house as him, while he sleeps with as many other women as he likes and let him get on with it. Your choice.

theSuburbanDryad Mon 18-Aug-08 12:20:06

Right, didn't realise you were a tenant - I assume you're renting privately?

You need to speak to your local Housing Association and get yourself on the housing register. If you're currently a council tenant then you need to speak to the Housing Officer and explain that you are splitting up with your partner and need alternative accommodation.

There are ways around it. I know it may seem insurmountable, but if you want to leave this man and get your independence back then you can. Or you could stay in the same house as him, while he sleeps with as many other women as he likes and let him get on with it. Your choice.

Mamazon Mon 18-Aug-08 12:20:30

oh and to add, why do you keep arguing over past events? no doubt youhave discussed tehprostitutes and the chatting up girls so don't keeop harping back to it.

if he asks for sex you say no. if he says why you say "you know why" when he says's but i only did it cos we weren't sleeping together yousay thats right, and we wont until you change.
if he says's that he can't then you say well we wont be sleeping together and walk away.

dont be drawn into an argument, remain calm and resolute.

there is no point getting ditressed time and time again over something that has been dealt with already. you aren't able to say anything new so whats the point.

move forward not back.

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