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Need to vent, sorry, long and probably boring.

(46 Posts)
oneplusone Sun 17-Aug-08 21:11:54

I absolutely hate my DH. It's something that has been boiling under the surface for a while but i haven't dared admit it to myself or to anyone for that matter for fear of the consequences ie is it inevitable that we will get divorced unless my feelings about him change? At the moment i can't even think about divorce and what that will mean for my family, i am just focussed on my feelings.

I don't really know where to start. We have been married for 7 years and been together for 8. We probably got married far too quickly but of course we didn't think so at the time. Anyway, we have 2 DC's, DD age 5 and DS age 2.3 and sadly i think they are the cause of a lot of our problems. The main issue I have with DH right now is that he seems to think the DC's are 100% my responsibility and his responsibility is to bring home the bacon.

As far as i'm concerned it is not an equal division of responsibility but he seems to think it is. He think looking after the DC's is a job like any other and therefore he thinks we both have equivalent jobs and equal responsibilities. What he has no idea about is how the burden of looking after DC's is on my shoulders 24/7/365 and it is a far far far greater responsibility than his. If he messes up at work he could get fired. But then he'll get himself another job and on we'll go. If i mess up, it could affect my 2 childrens' lives forever even into adulthood. I see to all their needs, physical, mental and emotional all day every day pretty much on my own. We have NO help or support nearby in terms of parents etc. We are on our own. Or rather ^I* am on my own.

Right now DH has a couple of weeks off work and we are not going away but spending the time sorting out stuff around the house which has needed doing for years. So whilst he is lugging boxes and furniture around i am minding the DC's. I don't mind this to a point. But he seems to think that he has his job of lugging furniture etc and will not even chip in for 5 minutes to mind the DC's whilst i need to do something. This has happened twice already and it makes me MAD. He acts like a lodger instead of the other parent. He thinks he's doing me a favour if he helps out with the DC's even whilst he's at home on holiday. I honestly feel like walking out today. I have had enough of him and his stinking attitude. And if i ever do go out for the day does he look after the DC's on his own? NO WAY. He ALWAYS calls his parents round to help him out as he is useless with the DC's (but will never admit this). His pathetic excuse for not being alone with the DC's all day is that he needs to make sure he properly unwinds at the weekend so he is ready for work on Monday. He thinks he has got some high powered job and endures the sort of stress that no other DH could possibly have and therefore he needs to destress more than anyone else. What a pillock (sp?). Yes, i admit he does have a good job which i'm sure is stressful, but no more than anyone else's, but he seems to think he's a special case.

But this is some of the superficial stuff in a way. Far worse is that i have realised he has been quite abusive towards me in the past. It probably sounds weird to say i have only just realised he was abusing me, but at the time it was happening i had very very low self esteem and self confidence and somehow thought the abuse was my fault and that i'd provoked him. I realise now that it wasn't my fault, that he is responsible for his own behaviour both physical and verbal.

The trouble is whenever i try and talk to him he refuses to take responsibility for his actions in the past and instead says I should just be grateful that he has stuck by me all this time. There's a long story behind his comment and to a certain extent I am grateful that he has stuck by me through some very difficult times which were purely down to my personal issues to do with my childhood and my family which have caused me a lot of emotional and health problems.

But i don't think that means he is entitled to treat me like cr*p and i should just accept it and be grateful he hasn't walked out. I don't want him to stick around but inside be full of resentment towards me, i'd rather he just left. If he's sticking around it should be because he loves and appreciates me, not because he feels sorry for me or through some misguided sense of loyalty.

Anyway, i am having problems of how to deal with my feelings as a result of realise i was abused by him. He has abused me physically (hitting, holding me down, kicking) none of which actually hurt me greatly but were very threatening, intimidating, humiliating and now i realise just totally unacceptable. He has also verbally abused me, calling me nasty, disgusting names. He is not generally an 'angry' sort of person, he is quite placid, but he is very stubborn. I feel very angry at his abuse and also very hurt by his attitude at times. He always seems to jump to the worst conclusion about me even when he knows better and knows the real reason why i haven't done a particular thing i should have for eg.

I just don't know why we're together. When i don't feel like i hate him, i don't feel love, it's just kind of neutral.

I also totally and utterly hate his mother which is another thread altogther. And i think she is the one who has taught him to be judgemental, highly critical, uncompassionate. I just don't know if i can tolerate MIL and DH in my life when i dislike them so much.

DH does have his good points which i why i suppose i haven't left him already. But recently i find myself thinking about leaving more and more often which i'm sure is not a good sign. Talking to him seems to do no good whatsoever....not really surprised about that, but how else can we possibly move forward and overcome this without talking?

oneplusone Sun 17-Aug-08 21:15:29

sorry for all the typos, was just typing not really thinking

solidgoldbrass Sun 17-Aug-08 21:16:29

I don't think you can 'overcome' it. I think what you need to do is seek some sort of counselling for yourself so you can make the breakup as amicable as possible for your DCs sake.
Because you can't go on living with a man who thinks you are 'only a woman' basicaly: something that exists to obey him and make his life better, something that is not actually a human being at all. Men like this will not change.
Get in touch with Women's Aid who will advise you on the practical stuff and also give you the emotional support you need.

Dior Sun 17-Aug-08 21:16:46

Message withdrawn

ConstanceWearing Sun 17-Aug-08 21:20:24

OMG, you poor bugger. I had an Xh who thought i should be grateful to have him because I had 2 DD's already when he and I got together. Can't chat much. At DP's house but I will get back to you later.

Ponder on this, if he stopped being a tit, is there any way you might get back to liking/loving him?

lilyloo Sun 17-Aug-08 21:21:17

The abuse issues need addressing now. Agree contact womens aid.

oneplusone Sun 17-Aug-08 21:21:31

I do think we need a third party involved, something like relate, but have no idea whether he'll agree to go. Also, he's the sort of person that will just completely denigrate someone if they tell him he is/was in the wrong. So if we do go to relate and he is told by the counsellor that his has treated me badly, he will just say the counsellor hasn't got a clue and doesn't know what he/she's talking about and will basically ignore anything where he is being criticised.

I don't want to give up on our marriage without at least trying to talk to him, either myself or via a counsellor. Like I said if things were awful all the time i would have left already.

youcannotbeserious Sun 17-Aug-08 21:26:08

Why don't you consider getting a job of some description then you have some role outside of your DC and can (realistically) expect him to do more with your DC?

At the mo, my DH earns all the money and I do all the childcare 24/7/.

In our case, it's simply not an option to expect him to look after DS and it won't be unless I can earn money....

So that would be my suggestion unless you want to consider a split.

oneplusone Sun 17-Aug-08 21:27:27

I find the thought of splitting up quite scary tbh. I have NO family whatsoever who would support/help me if we did split up. I would be completely alone. Don't have that many friends either, not the sort i could rely on anyway. My health is very bad and i actually do depend on DH a lot at times when i simply physically cannot cope with the DC's. He will help out when I'm really ill, but not otherwise.

His attitude about women comes from his parents. His dad always goes on about how he never helped out with the kids and his mum did everything around the house and so this is what he has grown up with. I think it would be impossible to change such an ingrained attitude.

oneplusone Sun 17-Aug-08 21:30:39

If i got a job i know i would still do all the childcare so i don't see the point. What has made me so angry right now is that when he's working i don't really expect anything from him, but right now he is at home so i think he should help out/step in if i need his help for 5 minutes whilst he's around.

youcannotbeserious Sun 17-Aug-08 21:45:28

Maybe he thinks the same about bill paying.

Sorry, but you do more of one and he does more of another.

Currently, I do ALL childcare (even when DH home, he'd rarely if ever change a nappy) but I have to point out that I don't pay any bills, regardless of how many nappies I change.

If you aren't happy with the current situation, then talk to your DH and change it.

youcannotbeserious Sun 17-Aug-08 21:48:52

Marriage is a partnership.

Bills need paying and nappies need changing.

You can't (IMHO) expect your DH to go to work and pay 100% of bills and ensure you don't have to work but then expect him to do his share of childcare when he's at home.

Sorry, but I do think that's a bit unrealistic.

And, FWIW, I'm at home all week alone with a 3 month old baby and I still do the majority of childcare at a weekend (certainly nappies / crying etc)

ActingNormal Sun 17-Aug-08 21:53:20

I'm really sorry, OnePlusOne, I didn't realise (from your previous posts) how bad this situation really is! And I hope I didn't confuse you with the things I've said to you before.

Can you see your DH ever changing? That seems like the main important question.

To some extent my DH sees his job as bringing home the bacon and my job as childminding and housework, but he will do things with the children when he is at home because it is important for a father to have interaction with his children! He wouldn't see this so much as doing me a favour but as time connecting with his children.

He shows that he cares about how hard my job is I suppose by paying for DS to go to nursery two days per week and DD to go to holiday club two days per week in school summer holiday, so that I can have time off. And sometimes he will take both children to Tescos or to the park on his own at the weekend so I can have a bit of a break. If he looks after them all day he sometimes gets his parents to help.

In your case, you sound completely unappreciated though. It seems like he doesn't understand how hard your job is and isn't being emotionally supportive at all, or taking much of a role as a father but is quite distant from his children. Is he copying the way his parents did it? Is this also the way your parents did it, and you have ended up accidentally (subconsciously) falling into recreating their relationship? And now you are realising it isn't actually what you want! I wince as I type that as I feel you will not enjoy reading it, but that it would be an important realisation for you if it is true.

His abusive behaviour is not acceptable. Have you discussed this and do you feel he will or won't do it again? You said you felt it was your fault for driving him to it, but even if you have been difficult to live with, it is still wrong. Maybe you could stop him doing it again by changing yourself - and becoming more confident is an important thing for you to do for yourself - BUT you shouldn't have to do it to stop him abusing you! He shouldn't do it anyway, and it is HIS responsibility not to do it, not your responsibility to stop him.

I hope you get some advice/ideas on this thread which make you feel clearer about what you want to do x

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight Sun 17-Aug-08 21:58:19

Sorry I totally disagree with youcannotbeserious. That;s absurd. Does going to work 45 hours a week mean that he has to contrribute nothing the other 80odd he is at home? Fuck that. YCBS if you want to martyr yourself because you 'don't pay the bills' then good for you, but that's not a fair and equal situation, and the OP is not unreasonable in her complaints. She didn't have the children by herself, she's not responsible for them 100% just because she birthed them.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight Sun 17-Aug-08 22:00:08

PS what exactly should you be grateful for? Money? He will have to support you if you don't live with him, plus you may get tax credits etc, and you wouldn't have this millstone round your neck. Doesn't sound like taking the DCs away from their dad would be a great loss for them either.
What a cock.

youcannotbeserious Sun 17-Aug-08 22:09:47

Disagree completely, Kat.

It's unfair to expect 100% from one parent, but equally expect help on your job.

READ MY POST... IF the OP isn't happy with 100% of child care and her DH isn't happy with helping because he's earning then GET A JOB.

YOU CANNOT (And I don't care WHO I piss off with this) expect to stay home, expect someone else to pay the bills and then do 50% of the childcare (0r 20% or 10%) sorry, unrealistic

The reason I feel so strongly is that my DH actually works abroad, so it's simply not an option to help out during the week but I do believe he deserves a little time out and wouldn't expect him to change nappies etc when he's home at a weekend.

I'm not saying that the OP has to put up with it, not at all,,, but she has to be prepapred to give something to get something.

That's my point.

youcannotbeserious Sun 17-Aug-08 22:10:26

and, yes, I do believe that people should be grateful for money.

It doesn't bloody well grow on trees.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight Sun 17-Aug-08 22:13:38

YCBS
lololol
Glad I'm not in your marriage!

youcannotbeserious Sun 17-Aug-08 22:16:01

I'm glad you aren't either grin

I like it being just me and DH, plus the kids... and the dog! hmm

I still (FWIW) think the OP is being unrealistic.

youcannotbeserious Sun 17-Aug-08 22:18:02

Oh, and FWIW, I think having to hand your DC over to someone you (i) think can't / won't look after them and (ii) is a cock is STUPID.

Why would you do that? WHen, at the end of the day, you are still only getting the financial support you were getting before?

How is that a better deal?

Sound like a crock to me!

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight Sun 17-Aug-08 22:24:53

Well.....dads should learn how to take care of their kids from the beginning if you ask me. If I hated my DH I admit I'd be reluctant...but since I love him and trust him I think he should know how to change a nappy/bath/feed/play with our kids and should have the nous to look after them without haing his hand held.
I worked full time until maternity leave and so does he. Work is easier than looking after kids full time. Full time is also 40-50 hours a week - when he gets home he should be sharing. Not saying it's all his job when he walks in the door, but why should he get to put his feet up all evening while I'm still running around doing stuff? The cult of the breadwinner is bollocks IMO, maybe because I'm actually the main earner and so I don't worship my DH for bringing in the cash.

deeeja Mon 18-Aug-08 03:21:04

I am going to add my tuppence worth here. I think the op should expect some input from her h. It is disgusting that he talks to her in such an abusive manner, and has been physical towards her. He is her husband and should treat her like a queen, he is the father of those children and they deserve some of his time and attention. It is not about how the hours of childcare should be split, it is about love and respect, between husband and wife, and for the children.
Maybe if a day out could be organised, so that the h can see how much fun it is to actually be with the children, instead of being a chore, he might feel encouraged, hopefully.

youcannotbeserious Mon 18-Aug-08 06:29:29

Kat - Def. agree that a dad should know how to. I'm not, for a second, saying my DH doesn't know how to look after DS or that he doesn't occasionally do it, I'm just saying I don't expect it... It works for us... grin

I do also think Deeeja's point is valid... I might feel differently if I didn't feel loved, respected etc.,

ActingNormal Mon 18-Aug-08 10:32:29

OnePlusOne, how are you feeling today? Do you feel the same about it every day? Don't let YCBS make you feel even more crap. Looking after children is REALLY hard work and it isn't just full time like 40 hours per week it is ALL the time even when you are asleep! I must be listening out for mine in my sleep because the second they make a noise in the night I'm leaping out of bed like a reflex action and DH grabs me and restrains me to get me to try leaving them for a few minutes because they might just go back to sleep on their own. The odd break while DH takes over is NOT too much to ask! And like I said before, it would be really sad if the children's father hardly ever interacted with them!

Perhaps YCNBS is really pushing her point of view because she doesn't want to look at the possibility that the way they do it in their house could be wrong - I'm not saying it is wrong if they are all happy - are you truly happy with it YCNBS, not just convincing yourself you are?

youcannotbeserious Mon 18-Aug-08 12:40:50

Flippin' hell, Actingnormal - did you get out of the wrong side of the bed??? hmm

Yes, looking after kids is hard work, but it's also rewarding, wonderful, exciting and optional. Bill paying isn't, and having to go to a job every day isn't a bag of bloody laughs either.

Am I happy? Well, if I won the lottery, I wouldn't live like this... I don't always find it exceptionally easy to say goodbye to DH on a Monday morning and there are times I feel like a zombie when DS hasn't slept well.. but we are where we are and, I will tell you for nothing... I am happy to call DH my DH.

My life isn't always a bag of laughs (who's is??!) but, and this is my point, DH isn't off having an appreciably happier life. It's different, yes - I'll give you that, but happier????

He's away from Monday morning till late Friday night. He's generally home at weekends. This is the only time he has for hobbies, friends, kids etc., Excuse me if I feel it's not his responsibility to change shitty nappies. As long as he spends quality time with his kids, then I'm happy to pick up the slack.

I can promise you for nothing, he's not tooling round on the internet right now because DS is having a nap.....

One thing I am happy about is that my DH is a good father. He pays for his kids and he cares for them the way (IMO) a father should. He has two other children (My step kids) who he also has to provide for, and he provides for his ex, their kids, me and our child.

I'm married to a good man, a good husband and a great father... Not bloody superman.

I DO strongly believe that bill payers / breadwinners do deserve more appreciation. yes, raising kids isn't always a bundle of fun, but I'm bloody appreciative (and happy) to be able to be a SAHM and not have to worry about how I'm going to pay the gas bill or buy DS nappies.

As I said earlier, I know DH could step up if I needed him to, I just don't think it's his responsibility.

Now go back to bed and get out the other side! grin

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