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ANYONE IN A MIXED RACE RELATIONSHIP/MARRIAGE?

(10 Posts)
inneedofadvice Sun 17-Aug-08 20:17:47

Im very close to entering into a commited relationship/possible marriage with an Indian Hindu who I am deeply In love with and been seeing for 8 months. It has come to the point where this man has been pressurised to marry (either finding his own (indian) woman or entering into an arranged marriage)by his family. Obviously they dont know I exist atm and so he is going to speak with his bil asap to see the reaction. I have a feeling Im going to be "dumped" as I cant see his family accepting me as his match and I know my "friend" doesnt want to lose his family, but just incase we decide to go ahead and commit to each other Im looking for advice.

Just wondering how you get on with his family, are there issues? were u accepted? Are you happy? Do you have regrets?Do you get involved with the religious side of things? Whats it like being part of a family that dont always speak english?

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight Sun 17-Aug-08 20:43:01

Hey
my DH is from Morocco and is muslim. I'm atheist lol. TBH I think it's a very different culture as there is far less pressure on boys to marry muslims in Morocco (different for girls of course!)
We really don't have a problem. His family accepted me straight away and never mention that I'm not religious. They are a mixed race couple themselves although both muslim. They were great to my family and we are very happy.
In terms of our religious/cultural differences - he doesn't expect me to be like a muslim/Moroccan woman and I don't expect him to be like an english man. We very rarely have religious discussions (but we do discuss politics, culture etc) and he doesn't try to convert me!
Good luck, hopefully they will be reasonable people, and be happy their DS is happy xxx

angel1976 Sun 17-Aug-08 20:51:49

Hi inneedofadvice,

I'm Singaporean Chinese and my DH is British white. We are both atheists so no religious problems. And his parents accepted us straightaway while my parents took a while but now love DH to death!

Don't underestimate cultural differences though. I have been very lucky with DH, he has come to Singapore many times and embraced the culture with a passion and he just loves it. He has sometimes found it difficult that sometimes my friends and relatives speak Mandarin or dialect in front of him but I always make people switch back to English as I think it is rude to do so.

For me, I have found the British reserve quite difficult (i.e. my parents are very casual and we are free to do what we want in our house while my DH's parents expect to be asked if we want to have a snack etc etc) but that's a problem with the family, not DH. And with the birth of DS, it has gotten a bit more problematic as my MIL thinks DS should be raised a certain way (i.e. I think the southeast asian way of raising children is very AP while MIL thinks I should leave DS to CIO etc) while I want to raise DS a combination of both Western/Eastern cultures (taking the best from both!). BUT I love DH and DS very much and will NEVER EVER regret marrying DH! DS is totally gorgeous and I love it that he is such a perfect combination of DH and I. GL! grin

Ax

Justthe3ofus Mon 18-Aug-08 10:15:38

HI inneedofadvice, I hopefully have some words of support for you here! I have been married to my Indian Hindu husband for 7 years now and we have a ds, I am a white New Zealander.

My dh's family were very unsupportive of him when he said he was going to marry me they already had somebody lined up for him, all they had heard of white people is that everybody gets divorced and women even divorce their husbands for things like snoring! My Dh's extended family even came over and tried to convince him to leave me and that they would find him a nice Indian bride. A lot of it was to do with the fact that the family would get talked about and people might make fun of them. However, my dh is a bit of the black sheep of the family and he stuck it out, a lot of Indian men would give in for the sake of their family, but he didn't and I am happy because of that. I am hoping your "friend" is the same - once they get over the initial shock of seeing their ds with a white woman, they will come to accept you I am sure.

I did make the effort to go over to India and meet everyone, I know that might not be possible, but once they meet me dh's family were very kind to me, and they could see that I was serious about dh.

It all really depends on your "friend" - is he so attached to his family that he will let you go for them? Some will, some won't I guess. Is he hugely religious? My dh is not and this makes things easier, but mind you Hinduism is a very peaceful religion and the festivals and celebrations are actually a lot of fun. Probably because they involve a lot of eating smile!!

I have no regrets, I believe that my life is richer for having married someone from a different culture, and my ds is a lucky little boy with two cultures to explore. As for the language, I have made various efforts over the years to learn it and am only now seriously studying it. It is sometimes hard not speaking his language, especially when we go to India or we want to watch a Hindi film and I have to keep asking dh what everything means, but even if you don't wan't to learn the language it doesn't matter.

Looking back over this post I suppose there aren't many words of support here, but I hope my story has given you a bit of hope! Hope everything works out well...

inneedofadvice Mon 18-Aug-08 13:22:56

well hes spoken to his BIL and wants to talk to me...I know its not going to be the news I want to hear. I just know

angel1976 Mon 18-Aug-08 14:07:39

Hi inneedofadvice,

I second what Justthethreeofus said about how her DS is very lucky to have access to 2 different cultures! In fact I am really jealous of him...

However, you do need someone strong who will back you o matter what other people say and if he is going to listen to what is BIL says, then he might not be right for you? I always say to DH that I don't care what criticisms we get for raising DS the way we do as long as he backs me and so far, he has! GL! Let us know how it went... Lots of hugs and kisses and good luck vibes your way!

Ax

ChopsTheDuck Mon 18-Aug-08 14:24:15

I've been with my dp for 5 years now, we have 3 year old twins.
When we first met, I was also a secret, didn't really understand what I was letting myself into at all. Things came to a head for us when I fell pg unexpectedly. His family, sick of the increasing periods of time he was spending with me gave him an ultimatum and he chose me.

I still didn't meet them until 3 years ago. I was called all names under the sun. They felt as if I was stealing him away from them. They though white girls were tarts with no respect for family or culture.

It took a LONG time to prove otherwise. I met his brother first, then his family and they were outwardly welcoming, but there is still a slight distance really. They still would have prefered an indian match.

I've made a lot of effort. We are really a Hindu household, we don't eat beef, we have a mandir, we follow a hindu lifestyle really. Our children learn about both aspects of their culture but I explain to them that I've chosen to follow his, and it will be their choice when they are older.

I am very happy, we've even been on holiday with his family and spend most special occassions as a family. I'm not sure if things would have worked as well if I wasn't prepared to embrace his culture. Some aspects i don't agree with, but I've foudn with his family it's best to nod and smile then do as I please out of their sight. grin I'd recommend reading as much as possible about the culture. Even if he isn't particularly religious, it tends to be deeply ingrained.

The language thing, you do pick up bits. I don't speak it, but I can get the gist of a conversation and even family that don't speak any english I manage to get on with.

I do find it quite hard, sometimes quite stiffling the amount of involvement they want in our lives. DP speaks to them every day, they sulk if we dont go over there most weekends, etc. I think that aspect of the culture is definately the hardest, compared to my upbrining where I'm more independant and speak to my parents maybe once a week or so.

Whereabouts in India is he from? Some are more accepting than others.

scouserabroad Mon 18-Aug-08 14:59:22

I'm white European & Dh is Algerian muslim. We've been together 4 years & have two DDs.

Algerian culture is prob totally different to Indian so I don't have any real advice but IMO it's important to talk properly about everything before you make a commitment. Check what he expects his wife to be like, basically! I didn't do this and there are things I wish we'd sorted out before agreeing to get married. E.g. now it's difficult for me to wear "revealing" clothes, swimming costumes, go to pubs, be friends with other blokes etc.

candyfluff Mon 18-Aug-08 14:59:57

hi there me and my dh have been married 11 years this year im white british and he is muslim bangladeshi. we get on well most of the time my family like him but not as much as they probably would do if he had of been white!.im an atheist and he is a non praticing muslim although the only thing muslim like that he does is not eat pork.
he doesnt have any family in this country so we havent had to deal with that side of things but his family are happy that we are married and have no predujice about us being together. we have 3 kids

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight Mon 18-Aug-08 15:43:51

Agree with scouser - you must lay the ground rules before committing. DH and I did and while it's not perfect and we did hit a few patches where I was like shock at what he thought I made it clear that I am not the kind of woman to accept his views without challenge. We have compromised, eg I don't do dance performances anymore but then again he compromises as well. In the main he knew what I was like and doesn't expect to be allowed to dictate where I go, what I wear etc (but we don't have as huge a culture clash as some as he drinks, goes out, has female friends etc so doesn't have a problem with me doing the same)

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