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Found DH looking at porn tonight, feel so angry and upset and unattractive

(120 Posts)
rubyblue Sat 16-Aug-08 21:10:28

I know I'm probably overreacting and that most men look at porn but can't believe that I found my DH doing it tonight, secretly and furtively in the bedroom whilst i was cooking dinner! He tried to lie to me but then quickly admitted that he looks at it sometimes and kept saying not often but how on earth am I supposed to know or believe him? I tried to be relaxed about it and not kick up a massive fuss but was quite upset.
And the more I've thought about it over the past couple of hours, the angrier I feel. I did tell him that I don't look like those women (especially not post baby - in all regions!) so it makes me feel crap to know that he gets off on that kind of thing. I'm only now just feeling a bit sexier (ds 7 months old, given up breastfeeding, lost some weight and finally enjoying sex again) but feel like any confidence I had in my body has been shattered again. I feel tearful now thinking about it and seeing those images of siliconed women with their legs open just makes me feel awful. How can men find that attractive?
Am I completely overreacting? I don't know what to say to DH. He's in the other room and I can't bear to sit with him. I feel like if I try and explain how I'm feeling he will think I'm being really repressed. But I now feel so insecure and the fact that he's lied about it. Oh god, please someone give me some advice. Has this happened to you?

Dior Sat 16-Aug-08 21:16:55

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TheHedgeWitch Sat 16-Aug-08 21:22:30

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Hassled Sat 16-Aug-08 21:23:18

It has happened to me and I reacted much as you did - was a few months post-baby and it just made me feel like crap. I didn't want him to see me naked again and it was a long time before I could think about sex again. We got past it - and yes, he probably still does it but I have sort of got my head around the fact it is actually not about me at all. I hate it, but there you go. I know a lot of women are very comfortable about porn but some just aren't, and never will be.

But this is something you can talk about and get past - give it time. I do understand how you're feeling.

domesticslattern Sat 16-Aug-08 21:23:37

Sorry, YABU. It's not such a big deal. It has happened to me (the walking in on him bit) and I just laughed it off. It is completely possible for your DH to look at porn, and to fancy you wildly, trust me.

Unless he's addicted or your own sex life is going off the boil, then try to take it in your stride if you possibly can.

lizinthesticks Sat 16-Aug-08 21:24:43

"all men look at it"

hmm

Rhonds Sat 16-Aug-08 21:28:30

I'm sure some of the things that you think about whilst wanking would make your partner feel insecure and if it were possible to catch you you'd probably lie about them.
Men are more visual and I've never heard of any of them wanking over the types of women that we, as women, find attractive.
Chillax

dittany Sat 16-Aug-08 21:30:56

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TheHedgeWitch Sat 16-Aug-08 21:31:41

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StarlightMcKenzie Sat 16-Aug-08 21:32:56

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NotAnOtter Sat 16-Aug-08 21:34:05

i would react the same way YANBU

KerryMum Sat 16-Aug-08 21:37:09

theoretically the concept of porn doesn't bother me but in all honesty if a partner was secretly looking at it as oppossed to part of our sexual lives I'd feel a bit threatened and upset.

JRocks Sat 16-Aug-08 21:37:17

I don't think you are being unreasonable to be upset, but maybe punishing yourself a bit too much. It's not very likely he's comparing you to those women (would you want to be??!), it's more of a quick fix. Probably very separate in his head, but obv can't speak for him. Perhaps he doesn't want to pester you and is just trying to take care of some urges?

You should talk to him and explain why you feel upset and unattractive

GrinningGorilla Sat 16-Aug-08 21:37:20

I look at it this way, when my partner looks at porn he is looking at plastic "fantasy" women. I would much rather he get his rocks off by doing that then jumping into bed with a plastic looking real woman.

Rubyblue had the subject of porn never come up with you and DP before? Did you just think it was something he didnt do?

AnnasBananas Sat 16-Aug-08 21:37:23

Yes, happened to me, too. I had been out for a pilates class came home and DH looking very sheepish had to confess the PC had crashed with a virus while he was looking at porn. I was gutted. DD2 was about 6 months old, I was starting to feel a bit more like myself physically and I come home to find this. What made me even angrier was that I had asked help with dinner and bathing the kids so I could get out to pilates on time and DH said he was too busy working on a presentation he had to do the next day...ha bloody ha. I made him take the PC to the PC repair place and confess to the techo geeks what he had done. It does still get to me (what happened then, not happened since although DH is currently in Afghan for six months and I know the lads mags get handed around, but it never bothered me in that context, just within the family home. I think it's fairly normal for guys to look at it even thought I'm not 100% happy about it, don't sweat the small stuff.

Dior Sat 16-Aug-08 21:38:31

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gagarin Sat 16-Aug-08 21:40:53

"I think this is more about your insecurities than anything else tbh."

But that is what the OP is saying.

She feels desperately insecure and wants to know how to deal with it.

If it were the other way round - women wanking to fit looking men in mags while their dh cooked tea feeling unattractive - I think that many men would change the "it's only looking" reply and would understand that it is about feeling insecure.

It's Ok to feel insecure - it's human!

lizinthesticks Sat 16-Aug-08 21:41:16

"they do liz, be it porn films, magazines, on-line, the daily star, the sun.. porn is eveywhere, be it soft or hardcore."

And how do you know this? Or is your definition of porn elastic and capacious enough to encompass certain advertising such as big massive hoardings for wonder bra, etc.

If the definition of porn is pictorial (or moving) images designed to arouse, then I guess you could include such stuff. But I don't think everyday advertising is designed primarily to arouse sexually, even if the ad people might like to think they'll get the odd frisson here and there, the occasional knob twitch.

Anyway, to say all men look at porn is just bloody stupid.

NotAnOtter Sat 16-Aug-08 21:41:26

thehedgewitch

not all the men i know

rubyblue Sat 16-Aug-08 21:42:56

Yeah, I know I should chill about it but is it unreasonable to feel threatened by this? I'm quite surprised at how upset I felt, maybe it was the lying that got to me and he knew it would upset me. I thought we had (have) a good sex life and we've watched porn together before and talk openly about fantasies. But now I'm wondering if all these years, he's actually getting a better time looking at porn than with me?

It feels like a setback in feeling better about my body. If he finds women with big tits and silcone boobs attractive, how can he find me with my saggy boobs and mangled vagina (with no hollywood wax going on) sexy?

NotAnOtter Sat 16-Aug-08 21:42:59

cross post liz!

Dior Sat 16-Aug-08 21:46:54

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JRocks Sat 16-Aug-08 21:48:50

If it helps, my DP says that the trashier the women in porn are, the better. Meaning that he wouldn't want that in reality. It's just different, maybe a bit like fantasizing about someone who you'd never consider as a partner. Men (some) seem to need things to be more visual than imaginative in my experience.

Surely he finds you sexy because you're real and warm and the amazing mother of his DC? That's always more exciting than a screen/magazine

LANDGIRL71 Sat 16-Aug-08 21:49:22

I know that my partner looks at porn and I haven't got a problem with it - I know that he doesn't view it in preference of time with me - just a poor substitute for when I'm too tired. It makes my life a lot easier sometimes!! I think that you need to explain your views and ask why he is looking at the porn. I could be wrong but I don't honestly think that a man would stop viewing porn just because his partner said she objected - I think he would just make sure that he wasn't found out.

gagarin Sat 16-Aug-08 21:50:05

"Why don't you talk to him about it and let HIM reassure you?"

Trouble is many men would find it hard to have a decent conversation about porn - IMO the majority would just mutter and then pretend it never happened - and get cross if asked for reassurance!

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